Hey this is a brief story of my life,
From the day I was born social services knew of me, for my
Mum has been under investigation from the service since 1985, and she really
didn't care about being a mother, hence she wasn't good at it. Mum left my
older brother and sister to look after us, and whilst I lived there there's two
main things i remember, one was that my mum trapped one of my fingers in the
door and she left it in there a least 5-10 minutes before it was released, also
whilst I was with mum i remember her boyfriend chasing me up the stairs with a
belt, i cant remember what happened next. Their isn't actually that much else I
remember from living with Mum, although there is more, I wont include them to
keep this as short as possible.
When I was 5, I was living with my mum when my dad came and
taken me and my younger brother and sister to live with him,and I've never
lived with anyone longer than I had lived with my Mum. After I left Mum's It
was 11 years until I next saw her, and I have not seen my older brother since
and my older sister rarely, and now we are completely out of touch now.
I lived with dad from when i was 5-8 years old and that was
full of difficult events that I shouldn't have been around, I had to put up
with my Nan and Dad fighting all the time, and one day my uncle came to the
house and put a knife to Nan's neck (his mum) I'm just thankful she was OK
after,but I was terrified at the time, and the police were round a lot, i got
warned by them a couple of times for prank calling them which I now regret, and
destroying a car with my cousin, and we weren't supposed to, but i didn't
understand it was wrong at the time due to not having rules until I was 5, so
my Dad had a difficult time in raising me and my younger brother and sister
Oddly enough through all this, i started to hear about Jesus
and believed it at the time due to going to a Roman Catholic primary school,
but i couldn't build on my faith, because i was unable, as none of my family
were religious.
Then in January 2001, it was a Friday after school, I went
back home to my Nan's flat, and the moment we walked through the door, she said
to dad "I'm taking the kids for a walk" and I never lived there with
them again, that was the worst day of my life as I was abandoned to the care
system, (and I'm still dealing with the effects of being abandoned), I cried
for hours that day. My younger brother and sister didn't seem to understand
what was going on, but I could tell something was wrong.
Whilst I've been in care I've been with 12 different foster
carers, on rest bite, short term and long term care. the first one I didn't get
on with, nor the second, but the third ones i was with for 2 years, and they
were the best foster carers ive eve been with, they helped me so much.
Then i went to another set, Christina and Ahmet Kemal. which
is when I started growing in my faith and drawing closer to God, and near the
end of the placement, things were rocky with me and Christina, and she wasn't
sure whether she could put up with me, because i obviously needed help (and
still do) with my anger which nearly broke sown the placement, and then when we
were on holiday in Egypt, she passed away, in hospital over there, and this
bought me closer to God, her and Ahmet had split up before we went to Egypt and
were going through a nasty divorce. When i was 10/11 yrs old, my foster brother
at the time, introduced me to some of the porn magazines, which is wrong of
him, and I've been slowly getting more addicted to it since, its been both an addiction,
but also, despite not realising this at the time, a longing to become a female
started then.
Then i went to live with with another set of foster carers
who i didn't get on with and where really strict, and were not understanding
even though i was just experiencing grief from the loss of a foster carer at
the time. I moved from there after a month, then i went to another couple who
were nice, i stayed their for about 5 months,
Then i went to another foster carer, who i was with for 3
and a bit years, and for the first year it was fine, then Christmas 2008, my
foster carers broke up and nearly messed the placement up, and even the mental
stability of my foster carer, but i really did my best to help them. Also
around this time I finally got back in touch with my Dad and his side of the
family, which at the time I was so happy about, although nervous, and cautious,
as I found it difficult to trust them (and still do).
But then in November, of that year all my life's emotions at
once, and during the two years of trying to deal with that and asking for help
for it, which i didn't, and this broke down my placement and drove me to the
edge of suicide. Also at this placement I started to experiment with my foster
sisters clothes, which I did in secret and was deeply ashamed of at the time,
however at the same time I couldn't stop myself and even when I got caught
taking clothes I couldn't bring up why I was to the foster carers, as I
couldn't even admit it to myself at the time. But ever since then, the desire
to wear female clothes and become a woman started to grow. Which I couldn't
understand at the time, and struggled with for years.
In august 2009, i went to a camp called soul survivor, where
God really helped with my the depression I was dealing with at the time. Then
when i came back (this was to another set of foster cares i was with from some
of August until the 21st September) a load more stuff came to me, and then i
was forced back to Birmingham, and that time i absolutely felt i couldn't cope,
and i saw no end and help in my situation and at times I desperately wanted to
end my own life but I just wasn't able to, then all of a sudden (after 5 months
of neglect) God bought me back to Wales, where i class as my home. The foster
placement I went to didn't work out because I was still struggling with my
anger problem, which consistently ruined things.
After leaving this placement I went to stay in bed and
breakfasts whilst I prepared for my GCSE's whist having most of the years work
to catch up on, and do all the coursework necessary in 2 weeks, which I
managed, but the effort drained me of the last of the emotional strength I had
left.
Just before my leavers day, I moved to a supported housing,
I say supported lightly, as I really didn't feel that my needs were being met
there and I was drawing deeper ad deeper into emotional turmoil which led to
another breakdown and my time at this accommodation only lasted from May -
November 2010 and by this point I just ended up isolating myself from the world,
and was really struggling with life, and being forcibly shipped to another
children's home in Birmingham just made this worse. this time I was in
Birmingham from November 2010 - August 2011, in which time I did improve a bit
emotionally, but also, to my confusion even to this day, my ps3 and one of my
laptops got stolen, which I was really annoyed about at the time, and actually
made me want to go back to Wales evermore as I just had enough, which led, in
hindsight to an ill-conceived move on my part.
This move I mentioned, was to move back with an old foster
carer, which I thought would go really well, and I could recover and get my A
levels then, I was really wrong. I went under the assumption that he would be
rebuilding the house and that until then we would be living in a caravan on his
farm. However what ended up happening was that we ended up pretty much living
above his shop for a year, when I was supposed to be at 6th form trying to get
my A levels, but I was still struggling with depression and I felt pressured
into looking after his shop from 9-5 with no breaks or food or being paid for
it, and he was out talking to his friends and basically enjoying himself. I was
also paying him per fortnight towards bills and food, and what I got was just
one meal per day from him.
There then came a point where I wasn't able to pay him one
fortnight as I had to pay three money, so I told him I couldn't pay him (and
this was just after telling my social worker about the food issue, which he
talked his way out of, and then said he wanted me to buy my own food from then
on, which I would have done the fortnight after this) and only was able to pay
him £10 as a gesture, despite that being all I had left and what he said in
reply was “what is this going to get?” so I had no choice but to use his card
machine to do a refund payment into my account, (which I did twice and really
hated and regretted doing even at the time but I had to so I could survive for
the next fortnight) However then he got a call from his bank saying that one of
the payments went overdrawn, and he didn't recognise that this had be done so
he told the bank this, so they reported it as a fraud, and he got really mad at
me about this, even though it was his fault in the first place. But still, what
came of this was that as the bank had reported this to the police he convinced
me to hand myself in as he thought it would be better like that, and of this I
was arrested and given a caution for the offence. And I really wish I didn't
have to do that.
Then after this, he dumped me down in his caravan to live
from August – December 2013, and in this time I started at college to do as
levels (which I ended up not doing yet again which I'll explain in due course)
and was trying to arrange for me to live somewhere else, where I didn't have to
live with, and pay most of the little money I was getting each week to him. (I
was living on £12 a fortnight until I repaid the money back). And throughout
this time it was becoming increasingly difficult to live there, and by December
I had a chest infection from the damp caravan (as I had no mains water or
electricity there so it was really difficult). And due to this, social services
moved me into a bed and breakfast where I ended up staying until April 2013,
and in this time I really fell deeper into depression and started to self-harm
(which I stopped in September 2013) and was just struggling to cope so I ended
up dropping out of college until the following September.
In April 2012 I moved into Emergency accommodation, until
October 2014. In this time I went back to college and finally got my AS levels
(although I only passed one due to difficulties in coping, and my Great
Grandma's passing). And then in the first week of September I went on the first
holiday I have been on in years which was to Tenerife, which I enjoyed. However
I quickly went back into a pit of depression (which im still currently
suffering with). Also in this time I started to buy women's clothing and start
experimenting more with being a woman, and I found that I was more and more
comfortable as a woman, and I reached the decision consciously that I wanted to
become one, and that I will do all I can to get there. Also in this time I
started college again this time to try to finally get my full A levels.
In October 2014 I moved into a flat on a project in
Aberystwyth which I've lived on before, which has staff that supports you.
Which has been really helpful so far, however due to depression I was unable to
make myself attend college so they withdrawn me from the college. But advised
me to apply to university, which I have done and I received an unconditional
offer from the University of Wales Trinity Saint David which I accepted a
couple of weeks ago, so I know that I'll be at university in September, which
is a huge relief. However, I am still dealing with depression, and feeling
lonely a lot, but I still go to Church as much as possible and a Church home
group, which has helped especially as my faith in God is the only reason I have
got this far in life. Also, soon I will be seeing a doctor about the
depression. So that's everything, I'm currently just starting to plan for
university, and I also plan on getting everything I need to be able to live as
myself at university as soon as I'm able to in September, which I'm looking
forward to.
So that’s where I left things in 2015, and my word, a lot but
not a lot has happened since then, fist off, in hindsight, for what should have
been predictable reasons, I failed university due to ongoing mental heal struggles
(which are still here 6 years later), but when I was there, I met some amazing
people, and some of those are amongst those I consider my closest friends to
this day.
So in feb 2017, I was officially withdrawn from university,
where a few months later I moved off site (just after easter 2017) but not long
before, my Dad basically told me he couldn’t accept who I am (a trans woman), called
me a faggot, that he didn’t need another daughter, after I said that if he
wanted a relationship with myself, he needed to accept me as me, but as he couldn’t,
I cut off contact, and haven’t spoken to him since.
A lot happened in June that year, I lost one of the people I
considered a close friend at the time, as apparently my friendship was having
an adverse effect on them, which tbh I understand, and I am sorry that it did,
and ultimately, although it massively triggered my abandonment issues at the
time, but thankfully was just before going away to Kos, with a friend I made
from uni, which was a much needed and welcome holiday.
Then later that month, I needed to rush (with little
support) to move to a new place (as was in emergency accommodation at the time),
where I have lived since moving here.
Unfortunately, I have had issues with my neighbours, and it isn’t the best place for me to be living, but don’t have much in terms of options.
So from 2017-2020 not a lot happened, mostly trying and
failing to get help that helps, and pushing for help with transitioning, which
taken a long time (and only had an appointment with the Welsh gender service
last year), I had a few cool trips to London with some friends, but not much
besides that.
Last year, I lost my support workers which were attached to
my landlord, for not engaging, which I was engaging as much as I could
considering we were in a global PANDEMIC, but still.
I also managed to go to Finland in march 2020, to see a
friend living out there, and a few days after returning, the first lockdown
happened. And without that trip, lockdown would have been much harder.
Dec 2020, I had an appointment with the Welsh Gender
service, where things started progressing more, im still waiting on some things
to happen, and have my second appointment with them next month (Dec 2021) to go
over things again. There are things I need to make progress on, but the
pandemic and mental health has impeded that (such as losing weight) but I need
to start on soon.
Also, living alone in a pandemic, is awful, and such an isolating
experience, and has had a negative impact on my mental health, and still trying
to get some sort of help, but that isn’t easy.
So im currently in a state of limbo, waiting on things to
progress, so I can get to stage where im more able to take control over things,
and not feel overwhelmed and frozen by things, and lack of progression. I hope
that improves soon, but its likely to take at least another year, but likely
longer.
I could have gone into more detail, but a lot of blog stuff
covers it, also, as I said, not a lot happened so thought these highlights
would do.
So now, we wait, and hopefully in the next update, things
will be more optimistic.
So that my life so far. Thanks for reading this. Im sorry about the length of this, and I hope that you found this useful to read. And I hope your all well :D
Thanks and God bless.
Natalie :D Xxxxx
