Well its been a while since my last proper blog post, but that is mainly because not much has changed since then. Besides accepting the unconditional offer to the University of Wales Trinity Saint David's, Lampeter Campus and I'm starting preparations for that, such as my student finance application which is confusing but I'm getting there. So right now I'm just in limbo waiting for the exam I need to resit in the summer then just until I can do more things preparing myself for university.
Despite the future looking positive as my life is moving forwards, I find myself still battling with depression and issues with not being able to live as a woman as I really want and need to be, which is really effecting myself. and im sick of both the depression and being restricted in being myself. its crushing and draining me. On top of these issues my cousin has completely rejected the fact that I am now preparing to become and live full time as a woman, and he threatened me for the next time I see him, and basically he had just rejected me.
And im not even sure where my Dad stands on this. Besides my younger Sister, and my Nan, I'm honestly not sure that I want to have contact with my family, as I feel like I'm imposing on my dad when I've gone to visit, and I'm just not getting anywhere in rebuilding a relationship with him, although I understand that he is busy, and he has a new family and things are difficult with that from as far as I can tell, but still, I'm his eldest child, I think he should make more of an effort to have more contact, once a fortnight would be better than once every few months. I just find it really difficult to find anything to talk about with Dad, as I just don't know him as I did as a child, and im not in a place where im able to keep trying to build one. So I'm thinking just cutting all ties with them. But at the same time I want to be in touch with my family, despite mostly it seems like that's a one way thing. Which really upsets me. So im really not sure what to do here.
Then there is having nothing to do on a day to day basis, which is actually making everything worse, but at the same time, im really not able to cope with doing much which I hate. So between now an September is going to be a slow and painful waiting game hoping that I don't deteriorate in my mood to such a level that I wont be able to cope with being at university, which im doing alli can to avoid this, like trying to see a doctor, (the had to re arrange my last appointment) and just trying to find something, anything to distract me each day, but that is becoming more and more difficult now. So im just not sure what to do.
So I find myself in a situation where most of the time im torn between hopeful for the future and really struggling with my limited support system and emotional difficulties that im facing, most of the time, I just don't know how to feel, and quote often either just feel down, or hollow inside and im just feeling drain by it all, as life passes me by.....
