So, here I am again
writing another blog post. Not much has changed since my last blog
post, I'm still deeply struggling emotionally, with all the same
issues which I have already said in this blog, and one other. Which
is something which I've slowly been realising but not really ever
spoken about until recently. Which is having a support network, which
at the moment, I just don't have right now. I have a few friends
which I can speak to and trust, and I find it difficult to be able to
trust people, but its weird how.
But still, I dont really have anyone who I can call at any time day or night, to rely on to be there when I need them, most people have family to rely on in this capacity, however my Dad wont accept me for who I am, and doesn't treat me like im his child, I barely speak to my mum, the closes person I have in my family is my younger sister, but even with her, I feel distant from, as I dont know her that well. And besides from my younger sister, who I actually do genuinely care about as a person, as well as her being my sister, the rest of my family in all honesty, are just strangers, and yes I care about them, and I know that they are my blood relatives, however at the same time I dont know them, and not having those family bonds which most people have, honestly, I find that really difficult at times and it hurts.
One thing I feel I need right now is that bond, however its impossible, especially now, and it makes me such an annoying and almost desperate friend to have, and im surprised about how many I do have, however, as ive said, I pressure those friends I do have so much it probably drives them away like it has so many others, which tbh still hurts. And right now, I cant do anything to chance that, as half of the time im both wanting to speak to people yet wanting to be alone at the same time, and that is a weird and annoying struggle to have. And it doesnt help that most of my time, I just dont have anyhting to do, nor can I afford to do anything, especially as half of the things id love to do, is either unlikely right now, or just too expensive and in all honesty it just makes everything more difficult, and the other half I just dont feel comfortable doing alone atm, so either way I feel trapped in my situation.
Yes, in September ill be starting at university, which im really looking forward to, and im hoping that it will really help my mood and outlook on life for so many different reasons. But that doesn't help my position now. Also there is no guarantee that university will help. Which im also taking into consideration.
One thing im doing to help distract myself is watching a lot of tv series and films, but most often than not, they just remind me of things im desperately seeking and what im missing in my life. And just makes me feel worse, id love to do some reading but im honestly not sure what to read, and I really don't feel comfortable with going to the library alone, so I just dont go, it just makes me feel to anxious.
On the note of being anxious, I actually feel anxious about going out in public right now, as one one side id love to be living as myself, but quite honestly cant afford it right now, also things with church and my home group also make things complex there, so I feel anxious when I do go out as myself because of that, but also I hate living as someone who im not, and that makes me anxious as I feel that despite coming public with my decision which is round about a year now, I havent made any progress with it, so I feel weird going out then as I feel that people will think that I made the whole thing up, when I havent, and as soon as im in uni and can afford to, I will start living as myself full time. But until then both ways I just feel weird about it.
Anyway here is an update of my current mood and how things are im my life. I know its gloomy and not interesting which im sorry about, but I hope it helps those who know me to understand why I behave as I do.
I hope that you are all well, and thanks for reading. And sorry again
Natalie
Xxx
