Ever since I was abandoned when I was 7/8 years old all I did
from that point was survive. I stopped living, and I lost touch with myself,
and withdrawn so deep in myself, I just feel hollow, and pain. Which is something
I still struggle with today. Yes I am starting to find myself again, especially
through starting to live as myself, but in that im finding myself which in all
honesty, makes me feel completely lost, as due to what happened years ago, I have
lost so many years of my life, and I think due to this I end up sabotaging
myself to fail, not by conscience decisions but sub consciously, and this isn’t
helped with also suffering with depression.
One particular things I massively struggle with is feeling completely
alone in the world, yes I have my faith, as has been shown in this blog, but I still
feel that I have no base, no security, family (that I can depend on), that I am
utterly alone, and that is my biggest struggle, what makes this worse is
through my depression i push people away, along with my insecurities and
deepest fears of being abandoned again, as im so afraid of feeling that, and of
rejection. And all of that has played an impact on my failings in my first year
at uni, which at this point im most likely going to have to re do.
There is one thing which I struggle to come to terms with,
my loss of childhood, which plays a massive part on my failings, and what doesn’t
help is my failed relationship with my Dad, as he just couldn’t understand my
needing to change gender, also my depression, he just acted like a stranger and
kept me at arm’s length, which crushed me, because I remember how close we used
to be, and now that’s just a memory, and all hopes of a new relationship with
him and pretty more all of my family (besides one sister) is something I just
have no hope for. I just watched an episode of glee where Rachel meets her
mother for the first time, and that just bought it back, that failed
relationship. It kinda helped me to see how it might have been difficult for my
Dad, but still, I just wish thigs had worked out there, and that it didn’t and
the last conversation I had with him, honestly still hurts.
There is just so much inside which I don’t talk about, not
events themselves, but their impact on me, and tbh that’s because I don’t understand
it myself. There is just so much im having to go through and deal with all at
one, and yes I am engaging with people to get the help I need, but still, none
of that is going to ever fully heal some of the root causes of the abandonment
etc. I am just going to have to live with it, which frightens me. Especially as
it will likely cause to to drive many people away and not let myself become close
to people, and its not because I don’t want to, its because I just don’t know
how to anymore, especially amongst everything im having to juggle inside right
now, I just don’t know how I can manage it, especially with not having anyone I
can fully count on, there is so much I need to do and figure out, and doing it
practically alone (itll feel like that even with professional help as that only
covers one aspect of support) and that scares me. I just don’t know how to do
it, but I know that I need help, but at the same time, ive no idea who to turn
to. Mostly as im afraid to drive people away…..
(P.S this is just me venting out my thoughts and emotions
and not targeted to anyone in any way, and is just something I needed to write,
to get this out into the open)
Sorry about all the negativity in this post
I hope you are all well anyway
Natalie Xxx
