Hey All,
Its been a while since I last wrote a proper update, which is largely due to a quiet summer. Which in some ways has been really good, but if any of you know Lampeter, you know why it can be taxing living here pretty much for a year with not really leaving it too much!
So as many of you will likely know, I'm now repeating my first year of university. Which considering the emotional disaster that was last year, well let me just say, it wasn't a surprise I failed. So one thing over the summer I knew I needed to do was to come up with plans to avoid making the same mistakes as I did last year. Which I have done my best to, however in doing so I did fall into something which is now really confusing me, as I'm not sure if its a mistake or not, but it really confuses and stresses me out.
Well firstly through the main person I'm writing about here, I met and became a part of a loose group of people, however its a really different dynamic than a group I was part of last year before I was ejected.
Tbh I'm not sure how to explain this current one. But that's not what I'm here to talk about.
The main person I referred to earlier, is the main topic and reason for my general confusion right now. Which on the flip side the also contribute a lot to when my moods are good.
Now to explain, said person can and has massively tested my patience and mood, last night for instance, we were meant to meet for dinner (which I had made (a pie, which they requested)) at 8.30, however she over booked herself, and ended up being over an hour and a half late, which in normal circumstance, id find really difficult to deal with, but that with the fact that we had plans, and that had made food, and a main that she had requested, to say I was annoyed and upset was an understatement.
To clarify this individual has a habit of being late (to be fair I'm not always the best with it either but for different reasons) almost constantly, which is something I struggle with anyway. As I know this is weird, but it links into my abandonment issues, where I start to worry are they going to be here, why haven't they been in touch, or why are hey keep delaying? Do they actually want to come? Or are they doing this to annoy me? And the list of thoughts go on, which ends up making me really anxious and nervous, and quite honestly, can drive me to tears. As I just feel helpless in those situations. Which isn't something I can control unfortunately. Especially considering the roots of where those emotions stem from. I just cant help it unfortunately.
So it isn't specifically the lateness that gets to me, its that which sets off a whole loads of different complex emotions and thoughts, which I cant deal with. So generally people who are like this individual I would have normally cut them out of my life by now, as I just cant cope with how that leaves me to feel (also I do feel really bad when I'm late or miss things with other too tbf). Although for some inexplicable reason this person instead of wanting to see less and less of them, I cant to see them fairly regularly still. And that quite honestly confuses me, as it seems to go against the nature of emotional preservation ive built around myself. But there is just something about her that make me not able to cut ties with her. However much her lateness and other things infuriates me. As so far this year, this has been the main cause of my exhaustion (both physical and emotional), stress etc is her lateness.
The problem is, I cant just take things fluidly in meeting with people, ok if I'm free and someone pops up as says do you want to you something, ill likely say yes (depending on what it is). Where my problem lies is that I still need to plan to meet people, and when I do I don't like if things don't go to plan, ok if its down to illness or something I completely understand that. But if its late with no really reason then I struggle. So that's why I tend to try to plan things as much as possible, and to keep to them as best as I can. As it isn't about trying to control the other person, but its about protecting my emotional state, it is something I need to do, to stay in an ok mood, and to not be driven insane by what is basically paranoid ramblings in my mind, guessing as to what is happening. Which along side the emotional side of taking me back to times where I do get abandoned. I struggle with. (Also (unless it is illness related) I hate it when people say that they can do something on one day, which they came up with, then ended up coming back and say that oh no they cant do that for other commitments, that is something else I struggle with)
Anyway so if I appear in a weird mood around lateness, or if plans are fuzzy is they half made but also going on at that time, then hopefully this can give an understanding why I'm in the weird mood I'm in. As its not exactly personal.
Anyway if you have questions or want things clarified feel free to ask
I hope your all well anyway
Hugs
Natalie :D Xxxx
(P.S I'm hoping to update some of my old posts soon, and to post a proper update in the next month or two :D ) Xxx
