Well for the last month (and a bit beforehand) I've been massively fixated on birthday plans. Although what I originally wanted to happen didn't end up working. I've managed to cobble something together. Some things have fallen through which is disappointing but can't be helped, and some things have been really difficult to plan and was a really last minute cobbled plan.
Although I'm half that most things have been sorted.
I'm not writing this to speak about the face of the plans. But why ive been focusing so much on plans, as I'm writing this it's 1am on the eve of my 24th birthday (so less than 24 hrs to go (actually may still be longer due to the clocks going back but meh) I'm honestly feeling massively depressed, and I'm struggling alot. I'm struggling to take care of myself financially and physically. My flat is not in the best shape. I was withdrawn from uni this past year, I just feel like I've slid to where I was before I started uni. Although I have met some amazing people who are now some of my closest friends, which I'm grateful for. And some of the experiences I've had like my trip to Kos, which was amazing and needed. For the most part though I do struggle with feeling like myself and my life is a constant failure, and that I can't do anything right which is honestly why I am so insecure in my freindships and o fear that they could break at any moment. Which terrifies me. Ok that also linked to some deeper stuff too.
But yeah, due to all of this negative stuff I honestly wanted to have something to look forward to, with minimal stress and disappointment, which hasn't quite gone to plan. Although I am grateful for what has been planned and the freinds I've met and will be meeting with etc. And this isn't about making anyone feel bad. I'm just explaining why this all means so much.
Honestly I've been using it to distract myself that I'm another year older and things have just gone down hill massively. Emotionally and just my circumstances in general. Yes I know things could be worse. But honestly, I'm tired of of telling myself that as that doesn't make things easier. And nether does people telling me I need to do something to get help, and get over my depression, to volunteer or get a job of sorts, or go to something with what would essentially be a group of strangers (which I couldn't cope with atm) as everyone is busy and mostly I barely see anyone with a what can be a week to two week gap before i see anyone who isn't paid to see me. As I'm doing what I can and waiting for an appointment in early Nov which will hopefully start a path on helping my mental health.
Anyways I just wanted to plan a weekend or a few events around my birthday easily and stress free with no hithces, or disappointments because I wanted to have something to distract and give me focus, away from the difficult and honestly lonely existence I lead. I just wanted some sort of a break from it to make things over the next few months a little easier. And honestly to help me no to feel so worthless. Although I have had load of help from freinds. And I have good freinds who do their best to help. Honestly I do feel like a worthless failure who no matter how hard she tires, just cannot reach her goals in life. And honestly I'm just tired. Tired of it all.
And all of that is why I was trying to make this birthday special for me. Yes it's kinda selfish but I think after this year I kinda deserve to be, especially for my birthday.
I just hope that plans I have for the actual day goes well. Whilst I struggle through today, focusing on the hope of a small distraction from life tomorrow.
I know this is really dark and more self centered than normal. But I just thought I need to be honest with how I felt and what is driving me with my birthday plans. Not just so I'm honest with my freinds and everyone, but more importantly, so that I'm honest with myself as until now I hadn't been.
Also please don't think I'm not appreciative of those who have done things and will be doing things with me, as I really really am. I'm just explaining why these plans have been so important to me. And why I'm so focused on them right now.
Anyways I hope that your all well. And massive hugs to all.
Natalie xx
