A few more poems I've written (Which haven't been published yet)

Fragile Hope, Looming Fear

My life grows still,

In a restless calm,

With a storm raging,

Raging on the horizon,

Yet always out of reach,

And never seems to hit.

When that storm finally hits,

This fragile calm,

Will be shattered,

And chaos will ensue.

How I do not know,

Nor do I know how soon,

With little to distract me,

Distract me from my thoughts,

With nothing to plan for,

Nothing to strive for,

I fear it may come soon.

The few things that do linger,

As some small possible defences,

Could also turn against me.

One being trying to plan,

Plan for Christmas this year,

Although this year,

I have less certainty than usual,

Apart from that it will be likely,

Likely to be spent,

As I have for at least,

Least 5 years straight,

Ill likely be alone.

Not that I mind,

Per say, that I’ll be alone,

What I mind is,

Is the lack of people,

People nearby,

That I could potentially,

Potentially spend it with.

With friends moving away,

The already small group,

Group of friends I had near,

Near at the start of the year,

Is growing ever smaller,

And those voids,

Voids will be hard to fill.

The last distraction,

Is feelings,

Feeling I can neither,

Share, nor confront,

As I’m afraid to do either,

In whatever way,

As to do so,

Would leave me betting,

Something which,

Which I cannot afford to lose.

So with all of this happening,

All of this, and so much more,

With my depression, Anxiety,

And ghosts of my past,

I feel drained,

And so worn down,

Worried I could snap in the wind,

When the storm,

Storm finally hits.

But with no choice but to,

To move forward,

My big question is,

What will be round the next corner of my life?

The answer brings,

Brings a fragile hope,

And a looming fear,

As I step further into the unknown,

Further into the darkness,

That my life has become.

So I wait and stumble,

Into the corner,

In search of what to focus,

Focus on in the next,

Next chapter of my life.

Hidden Thoughts, Forever Repressed

Why, oh why can’t,

Can’t I get you off my mind?

No matter what other thoughts,

Thoughts that may plague me,

That harass and torment me,

You are one of the most persistent.

For months now,

Thoughts of you,

Have flowered in my mind,

And for months,

I’ve been running from them,

Scared.

There are so many reasons,

That I should not,

Be falling for,

Of all people,

You.

Once there was a time,

A time where these thoughts,

Would never have been entertained,

Entertained in my mind,

But then things changed,

And now…

Now I can scarcely go a day,

A day without thoughts of you.

Even though we haven’t spoken all that much,

Of late,

Our friendship is still there,

And I miss hearing, and seeing you,

More and more each day,

But yet there is something more,

More, that I cannot show,

Cannot let on, Cannot tell,

As I cannot, and will not,

Will not risk,

Losing you as a friend.

Besides the many reasons,

And all the complications,

That revealing my thoughts could bring,

The thing I fear most,

What I fear,

Is that if I do tell you,

Firstly that,

That you won’t be ready/interested,

And second, that I lose your friendship,

And your friendship,

Is one I hope to never lose.

So I must go on,

And wait,

Wait for either these feelings to potentially fade,

Or by some chance,

You come to me with something similar first.

Unless either happens,

These thoughts, feelings and emotions,

Along with many others,

Must be,

Always repressed.

As I cannot tell you, as I cannot lose you,

I respect, trust and care,

Care about you to much,

To put you in such position,

To turn me away,

And forever push me from your life.  

So forever, silent, I shall have to be.

Battles of Trust, Brain, and Heart.

Suddenly, a few months ago,

My thoughts ever more saturated grows,

With the thoughts of you,

Conflicted, Uncertain, Messy,

But of you.

These thoughts I know are in vein,

As nothing, could or would ever,

Ever be mentioned to you by me,

Let alone acted upon.

For so, so many reasons.

First, I wouldn’t even know where to start,

My brain in screaming,

Screaming that nothing can come from,

From these thoughts,

Yet my heart ignores this.

Despite being conflicted itself.

But as time goes on,

The more it weighs on my mind.

And the less it can be ignored,

The more I want to be able,

Be able to these thoughts, ignore.

The main reason why,

Besides being conflicted,

Conflicted within myself,

I will not say a word to you,

Is that I’m afraid to do so,

Would break your trust,

And ruin our friendship,

That, and that and some other things,

Things I cannot mention here,

Is why I cannot tell you,

Even my conflicting feelings,

As then the friendship.

In ruins could lie.

So now I’ll wait,

And hope these feelings pass,

Especially as they are not,

Not exactly welcome,

And could have impact untold if spoken.

Yet, making me think of you differently,

Than I ever did before.

With all that has happened,

In the time since our friendship began,

That we have helped each other through,

And how much I still treasure those,

Those bonds we share as friends,

I just cannot to bear to lose that.

To many times in the past I have lost those,

Those I care about the most,

And I don’t want to add yet another,

To that failed number,

That ever haunts me.

So to protect myself and you,

And not to put this,

This (confusing) friendship at risk,

Unless you feel for me, and then speaks out,

My mouth on this,

Shall now, and forever,

Be Closed.

Drifting on Hope

Ever drifting, Ever distant,

Since that fateful day,

Is all I have ever known.

Shut of emotions,

Emotions big and small,

Blanking out all but hollow pain.

Happiness, Sadness,

In full, I have never fully known,

As even by myself,

I don’t trust enough to,

To let myself feel.

Feel anything below,

Below the surface of my emotions.

Each day becomes harder,

Each day more withdrawn,

Not knowing how to deal,

Deal with my past emotions,

Or any real emotion at all.

This causes overcompensation.

Which has driven many away,

Which just ties into the fear,

Fear of the past,

Fear of abandonment.

Which when im faced with it,

No matter what form,

I withdraw, and regress,

Into the child,

That was left,

Left behind on that,

That darkest of my days,

So many years ago.

This has, is and will continue,

Continue to cause fear,

Cause pain,

And drain my capacity to fully trust,

Trust in even myself,

For the rest of my days.

Limit it though,

I will do my best to do,

Despite the hold,

Despite the fear,

Despite the pain,

I will NOT let it forever,

Forever hold me back.

How at this time,

I do not know.

But in the depths,

Depths of my being,

Depths of my Soul,

Despite the deep,

Deep pain and turmoil,

The past has caused,

I Cannot, and Will not,

Let it hold be back forevermore.

Help is being attained,

To help me learn,

To help me grow,

So I know how to deal,

Deal with the emotions,

That my past has caused.

But even with this,

The scars that remain,

Will never fully heal,

And will always run deep.

But I hope,

It will ease my detachment,

Detachment to people,

Detachment to emotion,

And Detachment to life,

That this has caused.

Most of all,

I Hope,

And I Pray,

That at last I will learn,

Learn to trust again,

Learn to relate,

Learn to grown,

And above it all,

Just learn to be happy,

As right now,

It remains a forgotten,

Forgotten Memory,

In the depths of my mind.

And afraid to become,

Become that vulnerable,

To let me feel,

Feel happiness again.

But all I can do right now,

Is to continue,

Continue to keep drifting,

Drifting on Hope.

All Poems written by myself, Natalie Summers