My mood of
late had honestly been declining and declining, with even good things which
have happened failing to stall the downward spiral for long. Although I’m not
all that surprised, and not a lot seems to help nowadays.
There are
many reasons why this could be happening, but I think there are main three
causes which are the main factors that are speeding up the spiral downwards (to
the point where I’m barely holding back from crying (and kinda failing))
One of the
biggest issues of the three I think is the general lack of progress with transitioning,
and not knowing what is happening with the process, and due to my anxieties, I am
not able to just make an appointment and go (by myself) to chase things up, so I’m
having to struggle along, with not knowing how long it will take to start
moving things forwards. And honestly the longer this drags on for, the harder
it gets to cope with it. The biggest thing I want right now (of which is
actually possible) is for progress to happen, although I also just wish I came
to terms with my identity much earlier and started this all much earlier too. But
that aside, the limbo I’m in, the lack of progress, and in increasing discomfort
I feel due to dysphoria is getting increasingly difficult to be patient with
and put aside for other issues. Which is something I have been doing, as there isn’t
a huge amount I can do at this point in all honest. But now, it’s something I need
to try to fight for more, but honestly, with this and other issues I’m to bring
up later, are all feeding into the depth of my depression, which is just making
just coping and surviving hard enough, and that takes up most of my energy, and
I honestly don’t know how to find enough to be able to start fighting for more
progress on top of my other issues.
It also doesn’t
help that changing your name isn’t the cheapest thing to do (for passport and
bank purposes) nor is it easy. And from what I have seen of the process, is not
an easy thing for transgender individuals to do. Especially with it being such
a public process. I’m planning to still do this in January, as that is the earliest
that I’d be able to for many reasons. I’m looking forward to doing so, but
doing that and then all the chasing up with other institutions will be a
further drain to my ever-dwindling energy pool. But a yet another hurdle I need
to jump over. It’s honestly frustrating how little energy for things I have because
of so much is being drained to just keep my head above the water.
I just hope
that things progress with all of the above soon.
The second cause
of difficulties is even harder to do anything about, as it is just how life
goes, but still, with how things are and have been it isn’t easy.
Its that a
big part of my social group has slowly move away from Aber over the last year, due
to different reasons, all of which I understand. However, with a lack of an ability
to insecurities and anxieties about meeting new people being such a big issue, I
haven’t been able to bolster the numbers locally as that would mean meeting new
people, which I can barely cope with the idea of, let alone actually doing
that.
Although I do
greatly appreciate the friends in Aber I do still have, the fact that people
have leaving, and being busier and less able to talk to me much (generally) has
caused a big hole, in an already scares area, and now I’m at the point that a
short 5-10 min convo on fb is the most communication id have in a day (and with
only one person),
I have been
meeting up regularly with one friend, which is nice and appreciated. However,
variety helps, and it isn’t good to lean too much on one friend and isn’t guaranteed
to last. And still doesn’t solve or put much of a dent into the fact that most
of my time is being consumed with a crippling loneliness which most of my week
consists of. I’ve largely tried to shrug it off, but recently it had been much,
much harder. Especially as one friend has moved abroad, haven’t been able to
see one in months, and the others aren’t (like myself) consistent with keeping
up with messaging. So, I have incredibly limited options.
Though saying
all of this, I am still grateful to the friends I do have, and the time I have
with them.
The third
contributing factor to my declining mood, is a strange one, but this year
Christmas has honestly just been dropping my mood a large amount. Largely due
to two factors, one is the fact that this will be the 5th or 6th
year in a row that I have spent it alone, and with the things I have mentioned
earlier, especially the increase in loneliness, it has become something I’m
honestly dreading, and due to anxieties around people I don’t know I wont be
able to go to any town group things, as my anxiety won’t be something I’d be
able to overcome to even go to one of these things. So, my main option is to distract
myself on the day which leads into the second factor; Cost.
The way I distract
myself is to go all out on the Christmas food, and spend most of the day
cooking, which is the plan again this year, but it isn’t cheap, and honestly
takes money away from areas I honestly need it more, however I can’t not do so,
as if I don’t have cooking to distract me, I just wouldn’t be able to cope with
yet another Christmas alone, especially with my other issues this year.
So, all of
this is just making life, and my depression and usual issues, worse and worse, which makes me
worry more, which then just makes me feel worse. Which has led to me feeling
the worst I’ve felt in a long time this evening, which is why I have written
this post this evening. As I just needed to vent about it all.
I do hope
that one day things will be easier, but I know it won’t be anytime soon.
Anyway, hugs
and love to all,
Natalie
Xxxxx
