So it’s been a while since I have done a blog post so I thought I’d write an update with how things are currently (this is adapted from a rant I sent to a freind, and thought I may aswell adapt it for my blog and give everyone who’s interested an update)
I’ve honestly been feeling more exhausted than usual recently and no obvious reason why. Which isn’t fun. But I expect some of it is down to added emotional stuff that’s been happening. And the emotional drain of it.
First of all I’m honestly really struggling and really fucking frustrated by how long the NHS is taking in transitioning. And it’s not like I can do it privately as that’ll cost more than I have. But it’s really fucking hard having to wait so long when I’m becoming increasingly uncomfortable with body. I’m probably going to speak with my support worker about chasing things up with the doctor soon. I want to make some progress this year as that’ll also help with other feelings I’m having too.
But yeah it kills me that it’s taking to long, and the effect that is having with everything else, all of which I’ve talked about before. I’m not saying I expected it to be over by now. But I definitely wanted more progress by now and it’s disheartening that it hasn’t yet. But I do know that it will one day. But it still doesn’t help with how difficult it is now.
I’ve also been feeling stuck emotionally recently with no clear way forward, and been feeling like more of a failure recently (more so than ever before tbh) for lack of progress with my depression and how that has caused so much destruction since it fully emerged. And I just want it to be gone so I can move forward in my life. Especially as although I have made a little progress with a couple of things, I’m far behind where I want to be and where I should be by now and recently that has been massively bothering me tbh. And I hate it. As honestly I usually don’t think about it. But with the new year and people sharing stuff about their last decade, it bought it up. And although I know its not something that I could have helped much. Also I know that I’m not a failure, I can’t help feeling it atm and that bothers me.
Also I have been and will continue to make take steps to get help with this and will continue too, it’s just taking a while and has been difficult and complicated so far.
Also I know I have friends. And I love and appreciate them. They’re often busy and some of them I don’t hear from that often (from a few days to what could be weeks or months although I can’t say I’m always the most reliable on replying either so I realised this is a bit hypocritical) (Also with one in particular I am worried about damage I might have caused by something stupid I did earlier this year, it doesn’t seem like it but I’m not sure and my anxiety isn’t helping with wondering there) it has all been difficult. And they also have things going on too which I always do my best to respect, it’s just not always easy especially when my depression etc is really bad) Also this is not a criticism of them, not in the least, it’s just a rant about my internal thoughts and part paranoia, and I massively love and appreciate all my friends)
Now I don’t expect them to be available 24/7 but I honestly thought I had enough friends that I could at least meet up with someone for a bit most days. But as it is, there is 3 days a week where I see people in person, the rest of the time I’m isolated in my flat so tbh my own thoughts and occasional messaging which most of my friends struggle with. Especially prolonged conversations. Which I don’t hold against them, I just find it difficult (also doesn’t help that I’m not the best at them either)
Also I am baffled about why they’re friends with me in the first place but that’s a different insecurity to deal with.
And due to anxiety I massively struggle to meet new people so I won’t go to new things especially alone. Which is why I don’t venture out to new events. And try to find new friends. It’s hard especially as I struggle to trust new people.
But I do wish I didn’t feel so alone, helpless and vulnerable all the time.
Also one thing I’ve been thinking about is that I want to find someone to have a relationship with. However I’m also not sure I’m ready for that, also more fundamentally I can’t imagine finding someone that I like that would be reciprocal, as it’s not something I have any real experience with tbh. And it is something I do massively struggle with. And honestly makes other decisions I have to make harder tbh. Especially as one thing I want is biological children one day, but they’re is so many problems with that. And something I’d never do alone. Or could ever do alone. But I also want to go through the surgeries as soon as possible. I know I could store stuff, but it really isn’t cheap and I can’t afford that, also it would only last 5 years and that won’t give enough time. So it’s something I honestly don’t know what to think on. As it’s extremely fucking difficult and I’ve no clue what to do about it.
But with that aside I still want to meet someone as although I know it won’t be easy, or even answer many questions, I do think it’ll help too. And is something I really want. But again I don’t see how that’ll happen, especially in the next few years but meh. Also dating sites are useless tbh, and kinda make you feel worse. But meh.
I just wish things were easier and clearer and that I didn’t have to deal with even half the stuff I do. As honestly I still have childhood issues to sort it or at least learn to live with and minimise the effects. Especially when it comes to feelings of abandonment and all the issues around that (especially with self confidence) and I need to learn how to reconnect with emotions properly tbh. Especially with the impact that has on me and my friendships (and any future relationships (which is why despite wanting one I don’t think I’m ready, it’s frustrating and confusing))
There is a lot I need to do mental health wise too.
There is just a lot and dealing with it all (even just what’s in this snapshot) is frustrating, and recently especially around Christmas and New Years (which also made certain things worse tbh (also made me miss being part of a family more than usual tbh) has been massively difficult, and yesterday things intensified even more than usual, and aren’t that great now. And it’s frustrating tbh. Not to say I didn’t have good things happen and I appreciate the friends I saw and was with over Christmas and New Years and that’s massively helped and is very much appreciated, but that doesn’t mean I find the period easy, and this is a rant about why and just general things I’ve been struggling with
Sorry for the long and difficult rant tbh. I don’t really expect so much to come out tbh. And I know I need professional help for most of this. I’m just l ranting about the main issues.
Massive hugs, and a massive thanks for all who read this. (I don’t understand why you would tbh but meh) thanks it’s appreciated massively. And sorry for how depressing this is, and how long.
Hugs and thanks for reading. And hope that your all doing well and feel free to post comments and ask any questions.
Hugs.
Also one good thing that I am happy about last year, is that I changed my LEGAL name and gender last year (and have the ID to match too, which I am happy and relieved about.
Hugs to all
Natalie xxxx
