My current musings

So, here I am again writing another blog post. Not much has changed since my last blog post, I'm still deeply struggling emotionally, with all the same issues which I have already said in this blog, and one other. Which is something which I've slowly been realising but not really ever spoken about until recently. Which is having a support network, which at the moment, I just don't have right now. I have a few friends which I can speak to and trust, and I find it difficult to be able to trust people, but its weird how.

But still, I dont really have anyone who I can call at any time day or night, to rely on to be there when I need them, most people have family to rely on in this capacity, however my Dad wont accept me for who I am, and doesn't treat me like im his child, I barely speak to my mum, the closes person I have in my family is my younger sister, but even with her, I feel distant from, as I dont know her that well. And besides from my younger sister, who I actually do genuinely care about as a person, as well as her being my sister, the rest of my family in all honesty, are just strangers, and yes I care about them, and I know that they are my blood relatives, however at the same time I dont know them, and not having those family bonds which most people have, honestly, I find that really difficult at times and it hurts.

One thing I feel I need right now is that bond, however its impossible, especially now, and it makes me such an annoying and almost desperate friend to have, and im surprised about how many I do have, however, as ive said, I pressure those friends I do have so much it probably drives them away like it has so many others, which tbh still hurts. And right now, I cant do anything to chance that, as half of the time im both wanting to speak to people yet wanting to be alone at the same time, and that is a weird and annoying struggle to have. And it doesnt help that most of my time, I just dont have anyhting to do, nor can I afford to do anything, especially as half of the things id love to do, is either unlikely right now, or just too expensive and in all honesty it just makes everything more difficult, and the other half I just dont feel comfortable doing alone atm, so either way I feel trapped in my situation.

Yes, in September ill be starting at university, which im really looking forward to, and im hoping that it will really help my mood and outlook on life for so many different reasons. But that doesn't help my position now. Also there is no guarantee that university will help. Which im also taking into consideration.

One thing im doing to help distract myself is watching a lot of tv series and films, but most often than not, they just remind me of things im desperately seeking and what im missing in my life. And just makes me feel worse, id love to do some reading but im honestly not sure what to read, and I really don't feel comfortable with going to the library alone, so I just dont go, it just makes me feel to anxious.

On the note of being anxious, I actually feel anxious about going out in public right now, as one one side id love to be living as myself, but quite honestly cant afford it right now, also things with church and my home group also make things complex there, so I feel anxious when I do go out as myself because of that, but also I hate living as someone who im not, and that makes me anxious as I feel that despite coming public with my decision which is round about a year now, I havent made any progress with it, so I feel weird going out then as I feel that people will think that I made the whole thing up, when I havent, and as soon as im in uni and can afford to, I will start living as myself full time. But until then both ways I just feel weird about it.

Anyway here is an update of my current mood and how things are im my life. I know its gloomy and not interesting which im sorry about, but I hope it helps those who know me to understand why I behave as I do.

I hope that you are all well, and thanks for reading. And sorry again

Natalie

Xxx

Open Letter to Political Leaders about the Care System

An Open letter to all Political party leaders

To all political leaders in the UK,

As you all know the election is just around the corner, yet the election is extremely difficult to predict, and due to this political tensions on divisive issues are set to cause further divisions and debates on the political battle field.

However in this, we loose what is truly important, not winning votes, but what is best for the British people. Especially those who do not have a voice, or are extremely under represented in society, such as the elderly, disabled, and the group I will be writing on, Children in care and Care leavers.

I remember a news article from 11^th March 2015 based on a report given by Members of Parliament stating that “Children in care failed by government” and “get a raw deal”, which having been through the care system, I completely agree with. It is not fair or right that a child in care, has to fight for months just to get support from mental health professionals which is often minimal and doesn't truly help the individual. Nor is it right that the system is based on on a “tick box” bureaucratic nightmare, which means that the social worker assigned to the individual is unable to spend as much time with the individuals as they should as they spend a hefty chunk of their time filling out unnecessary paperwork that does not reflect the needs of the individual. Which I find is one of the biggest failings of the care system.

If social workers had less paper work to do, it would free up a lot more time which could cut costs on the social workers time, but more importantly give social workers the time to meet an individuals needs and helps them to flourish into the people they could become, rather than the failures which sadly most of them become, as when I last checked the number of people who had been in care and was homeless at some point in their lives, in and out of prison, on benefits most of their lives, etc is over (these are only rough figures) 90% with only round about 30% attaining GCSE's and then only 6% going to university out of around 57,000 Children in care, which is a huge failing on the governments part.

The State through the courts have taken these children into their care as they were either neglected and abused by their parents (or both) and then they move from children homes to foster cares, and sometimes into temporary accommodation such as bed and breakfasts throughout their time in care, and most do not receive the emotional and psychological support they desperately need which makes them more likely to go into prison, with over 1/3 of all prisoners having been in care, and nearly 50% of under 21 year old's in prison being from a care background, bearing in mind that out of the adult population only 1 or 2% of all adults go to prison. This further shows the state failings of children in care, if this was a child of parents in the uk, they would ironically, but likely, end up in the care system that is supposedly supposed to take these children away from such a harsh upbringing and fate.

All of these concerns, and so much more, desperately need to looked at and fixed in the next Parliament, as this is neglect on part of the Government to fail to provide the care needed to help the majority of children in care, and care leavers to flourish.

So my Questions to all Party Leaders follow:-

1) What are your plans to help to reform the care system so that most people who leave care can have a happy and successful future which many currently lack?

2) Will you pledge more funds to Social services and make this a protected area in terms of cuts? As further cuts to this sector could cause its collapse of an already failing system.

This is a vital service to this country however the service is currently neglected by parliament and seldom talked about, which is damaging to the system itself.

I hope that you consider these issues and commit to building a care system that creates a positive and bright future for all those who has been taken into care.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Random Musings and thoughts

Well its been a while since my last proper blog post, but that is mainly because not much has changed since then. Besides accepting the unconditional offer to the University of Wales Trinity Saint David's, Lampeter Campus and I'm starting preparations for that, such as my student finance application which is confusing but I'm getting there. So right now I'm just in limbo waiting for the exam I need to resit in the summer then just until I can do more things preparing myself for university.

Despite the future looking positive as my life is moving forwards, I find myself still battling with depression and issues with not being able to live as a woman as I really want and need to be, which is really effecting myself. and im sick of both the depression and being restricted in being myself. its crushing and draining me. On top of these issues my cousin has completely rejected the fact that I am now preparing to become and live full time as a woman, and he threatened me for the next time I see him, and basically he had just rejected me.

And im not even sure where my Dad stands on this. Besides my younger Sister, and my Nan, I'm honestly not sure that I want to have contact with my family, as I feel like I'm imposing on my dad when I've gone to visit, and I'm just not getting anywhere in rebuilding a relationship with him, although I understand that he is busy, and he has a new family and things are difficult with that from as far as I can tell, but still, I'm his eldest child, I think he should make more of an effort to have more contact, once a fortnight would be better than once every few months. I just find it really difficult to find anything to talk about with Dad, as I just don't know him as I did as a child, and im not in a place where im able to keep trying to build one. So I'm thinking just cutting all ties with them. But at the same time I want to be in touch with my family, despite mostly it seems like that's a one way thing. Which really upsets me. So im really not sure what to do here.

Then there is having nothing to do on a day to day basis, which is actually making everything worse, but at the same time, im really not able to cope with doing much which I hate. So between now an September is going to be a slow and painful waiting game hoping that I don't deteriorate in my mood to such a level that I wont be able to cope with being at university, which im doing alli can to avoid this, like trying to see a doctor, (the had to re arrange my last appointment) and just trying to find something, anything to distract me each day, but that is becoming more and more difficult now. So im just not sure what to do.

So I find myself in a situation where most of the time im torn between hopeful for the future and really struggling with my limited support system and emotional difficulties that im facing, most of the time, I just don't know how to feel, and quote often either just feel down, or hollow inside and im just feeling drain by it all, as life passes me by.....

My Life Story! (updated Nov 2021)

Hey this is a brief story of my life,

From the day I was born social services knew of me, for my Mum has been under investigation from the service since 1985, and she really didn't care about being a mother, hence she wasn't good at it. Mum left my older brother and sister to look after us, and whilst I lived there there's two main things i remember, one was that my mum trapped one of my fingers in the door and she left it in there a least 5-10 minutes before it was released, also whilst I was with mum i remember her boyfriend chasing me up the stairs with a belt, i cant remember what happened next. Their isn't actually that much else I remember from living with Mum, although there is more, I wont include them to keep this as short as possible.

 

When I was 5, I was living with my mum when my dad came and taken me and my younger brother and sister to live with him,and I've never lived with anyone longer than I had lived with my Mum. After I left Mum's It was 11 years until I next saw her, and I have not seen my older brother since and my older sister rarely, and now we are completely out of touch now.

 

I lived with dad from when i was 5-8 years old and that was full of difficult events that I shouldn't have been around, I had to put up with my Nan and Dad fighting all the time, and one day my uncle came to the house and put a knife to Nan's neck (his mum) I'm just thankful she was OK after,but I was terrified at the time, and the police were round a lot, i got warned by them a couple of times for prank calling them which I now regret, and destroying a car with my cousin, and we weren't supposed to, but i didn't understand it was wrong at the time due to not having rules until I was 5, so my Dad had a difficult time in raising me and my younger brother and sister

Oddly enough through all this, i started to hear about Jesus and believed it at the time due to going to a Roman Catholic primary school, but i couldn't build on my faith, because i was unable, as none of my family were religious.

 

Then in January 2001, it was a Friday after school, I went back home to my Nan's flat, and the moment we walked through the door, she said to dad "I'm taking the kids for a walk" and I never lived there with them again, that was the worst day of my life as I was abandoned to the care system, (and I'm still dealing with the effects of being abandoned), I cried for hours that day. My younger brother and sister didn't seem to understand what was going on, but I could tell something was wrong.

 

Whilst I've been in care I've been with 12 different foster carers, on rest bite, short term and long term care. the first one I didn't get on with, nor the second, but the third ones i was with for 2 years, and they were the best foster carers ive eve been with, they helped me so much.

Then i went to another set, Christina and Ahmet Kemal. which is when I started growing in my faith and drawing closer to God, and near the end of the placement, things were rocky with me and Christina, and she wasn't sure whether she could put up with me, because i obviously needed help (and still do) with my anger which nearly broke sown the placement, and then when we were on holiday in Egypt, she passed away, in hospital over there, and this bought me closer to God, her and Ahmet had split up before we went to Egypt and were going through a nasty divorce. When i was 10/11 yrs old, my foster brother at the time, introduced me to some of the porn magazines, which is wrong of him, and I've been slowly getting more addicted to it since, its been both an addiction, but also, despite not realising this at the time, a longing to become a female started then.

 

Then i went to live with with another set of foster carers who i didn't get on with and where really strict, and were not understanding even though i was just experiencing grief from the loss of a foster carer at the time. I moved from there after a month, then i went to another couple who were nice, i stayed their for about 5 months,

 

Then i went to another foster carer, who i was with for 3 and a bit years, and for the first year it was fine, then Christmas 2008, my foster carers broke up and nearly messed the placement up, and even the mental stability of my foster carer, but i really did my best to help them. Also around this time I finally got back in touch with my Dad and his side of the family, which at the time I was so happy about, although nervous, and cautious, as I found it difficult to trust them (and still do).

 

But then in November, of that year all my life's emotions at once, and during the two years of trying to deal with that and asking for help for it, which i didn't, and this broke down my placement and drove me to the edge of suicide. Also at this placement I started to experiment with my foster sisters clothes, which I did in secret and was deeply ashamed of at the time, however at the same time I couldn't stop myself and even when I got caught taking clothes I couldn't bring up why I was to the foster carers, as I couldn't even admit it to myself at the time. But ever since then, the desire to wear female clothes and become a woman started to grow. Which I couldn't understand at the time, and struggled with for years.

 

In august 2009, i went to a camp called soul survivor, where God really helped with my the depression I was dealing with at the time. Then when i came back (this was to another set of foster cares i was with from some of August until the 21st September) a load more stuff came to me, and then i was forced back to Birmingham, and that time i absolutely felt i couldn't cope, and i saw no end and help in my situation and at times I desperately wanted to end my own life but I just wasn't able to, then all of a sudden (after 5 months of neglect) God bought me back to Wales, where i class as my home. The foster placement I went to didn't work out because I was still struggling with my anger problem, which consistently ruined things.

 

After leaving this placement I went to stay in bed and breakfasts whilst I prepared for my GCSE's whist having most of the years work to catch up on, and do all the coursework necessary in 2 weeks, which I managed, but the effort drained me of the last of the emotional strength I had left.

 

Just before my leavers day, I moved to a supported housing, I say supported lightly, as I really didn't feel that my needs were being met there and I was drawing deeper ad deeper into emotional turmoil which led to another breakdown and my time at this accommodation only lasted from May - November 2010 and by this point I just ended up isolating myself from the world, and was really struggling with life, and being forcibly shipped to another children's home in Birmingham just made this worse. this time I was in Birmingham from November 2010 - August 2011, in which time I did improve a bit emotionally, but also, to my confusion even to this day, my ps3 and one of my laptops got stolen, which I was really annoyed about at the time, and actually made me want to go back to Wales evermore as I just had enough, which led, in hindsight to an ill-conceived move on my part.

 

This move I mentioned, was to move back with an old foster carer, which I thought would go really well, and I could recover and get my A levels then, I was really wrong. I went under the assumption that he would be rebuilding the house and that until then we would be living in a caravan on his farm. However what ended up happening was that we ended up pretty much living above his shop for a year, when I was supposed to be at 6th form trying to get my A levels, but I was still struggling with depression and I felt pressured into looking after his shop from 9-5 with no breaks or food or being paid for it, and he was out talking to his friends and basically enjoying himself. I was also paying him per fortnight towards bills and food, and what I got was just one meal per day from him.

There then came a point where I wasn't able to pay him one fortnight as I had to pay three money, so I told him I couldn't pay him (and this was just after telling my social worker about the food issue, which he talked his way out of, and then said he wanted me to buy my own food from then on, which I would have done the fortnight after this) and only was able to pay him £10 as a gesture, despite that being all I had left and what he said in reply was “what is this going to get?” so I had no choice but to use his card machine to do a refund payment into my account, (which I did twice and really hated and regretted doing even at the time but I had to so I could survive for the next fortnight) However then he got a call from his bank saying that one of the payments went overdrawn, and he didn't recognise that this had be done so he told the bank this, so they reported it as a fraud, and he got really mad at me about this, even though it was his fault in the first place. But still, what came of this was that as the bank had reported this to the police he convinced me to hand myself in as he thought it would be better like that, and of this I was arrested and given a caution for the offence. And I really wish I didn't have to do that.

 

Then after this, he dumped me down in his caravan to live from August – December 2013, and in this time I started at college to do as levels (which I ended up not doing yet again which I'll explain in due course) and was trying to arrange for me to live somewhere else, where I didn't have to live with, and pay most of the little money I was getting each week to him. (I was living on £12 a fortnight until I repaid the money back). And throughout this time it was becoming increasingly difficult to live there, and by December I had a chest infection from the damp caravan (as I had no mains water or electricity there so it was really difficult). And due to this, social services moved me into a bed and breakfast where I ended up staying until April 2013, and in this time I really fell deeper into depression and started to self-harm (which I stopped in September 2013) and was just struggling to cope so I ended up dropping out of college until the following September.

 

In April 2012 I moved into Emergency accommodation, until October 2014. In this time I went back to college and finally got my AS levels (although I only passed one due to difficulties in coping, and my Great Grandma's passing). And then in the first week of September I went on the first holiday I have been on in years which was to Tenerife, which I enjoyed. However I quickly went back into a pit of depression (which im still currently suffering with). Also in this time I started to buy women's clothing and start experimenting more with being a woman, and I found that I was more and more comfortable as a woman, and I reached the decision consciously that I wanted to become one, and that I will do all I can to get there. Also in this time I started college again this time to try to finally get my full A levels.

 

In October 2014 I moved into a flat on a project in Aberystwyth which I've lived on before, which has staff that supports you. Which has been really helpful so far, however due to depression I was unable to make myself attend college so they withdrawn me from the college. But advised me to apply to university, which I have done and I received an unconditional offer from the University of Wales Trinity Saint David which I accepted a couple of weeks ago, so I know that I'll be at university in September, which is a huge relief. However, I am still dealing with depression, and feeling lonely a lot, but I still go to Church as much as possible and a Church home group, which has helped especially as my faith in God is the only reason I have got this far in life. Also, soon I will be seeing a doctor about the depression. So that's everything, I'm currently just starting to plan for university, and I also plan on getting everything I need to be able to live as myself at university as soon as I'm able to in September, which I'm looking forward to.

 

 

So that’s where I left things in 2015, and my word, a lot but not a lot has happened since then, fist off, in hindsight, for what should have been predictable reasons, I failed university due to ongoing mental heal struggles (which are still here 6 years later), but when I was there, I met some amazing people, and some of those are amongst those I consider my closest friends to this day.

So in feb 2017, I was officially withdrawn from university, where a few months later I moved off site (just after easter 2017) but not long before, my Dad basically told me he couldn’t accept who I am (a trans woman), called me a faggot, that he didn’t need another daughter, after I said that if he wanted a relationship with myself, he needed to accept me as me, but as he couldn’t, I cut off contact, and haven’t spoken to him since.

A lot happened in June that year, I lost one of the people I considered a close friend at the time, as apparently my friendship was having an adverse effect on them, which tbh I understand, and I am sorry that it did, and ultimately, although it massively triggered my abandonment issues at the time, but thankfully was just before going away to Kos, with a friend I made from uni, which was a much needed and welcome holiday.

Then later that month, I needed to rush (with little support) to move to a new place (as was in emergency accommodation at the time), where I have lived since moving here.

 

Unfortunately, I have had issues with my neighbours, and it isn’t the best place for me to be living, but don’t have much in terms of options.

So from 2017-2020 not a lot happened, mostly trying and failing to get help that helps, and pushing for help with transitioning, which taken a long time (and only had an appointment with the Welsh gender service last year), I had a few cool trips to London with some friends, but not much besides that.

Last year, I lost my support workers which were attached to my landlord, for not engaging, which I was engaging as much as I could considering we were in a global PANDEMIC, but still.

I also managed to go to Finland in march 2020, to see a friend living out there, and a few days after returning, the first lockdown happened. And without that trip, lockdown would have been much harder.

Dec 2020, I had an appointment with the Welsh Gender service, where things started progressing more, im still waiting on some things to happen, and have my second appointment with them next month (Dec 2021) to go over things again. There are things I need to make progress on, but the pandemic and mental health has impeded that (such as losing weight) but I need to start on soon.

Also, living alone in a pandemic, is awful, and such an isolating experience, and has had a negative impact on my mental health, and still trying to get some sort of help, but that isn’t easy.

So im currently in a state of limbo, waiting on things to progress, so I can get to stage where im more able to take control over things, and not feel overwhelmed and frozen by things, and lack of progression. I hope that improves soon, but its likely to take at least another year, but likely longer.

I could have gone into more detail, but a lot of blog stuff covers it, also, as I said, not a lot happened so thought these highlights would do.

So now, we wait, and hopefully in the next update, things will be more optimistic. 

So that my life so far. Thanks for reading this. Im sorry about the length of this, and I hope that you found this useful to read. And I hope your all well :D

Thanks and God bless.

*Massive Hugs*
Natalie :D Xxxxx

{Insert interesting title here}

Hello everyone, its been a while, mainly because I wasn't sure what to write about. but I thought that I may as well write an update for you guys who still read my blog :)

Well in terms of my emotional health and transition, not much has changed there unfortunately and I desperately need to see a doctor soon, but due to feeling really worn out, and being scared, although I know I shouldn't be, I find it difficult to force myself to make and go to an appointment.

However I do actually bring good news for a change! (which feels strange), despite being withdrawn from college in October due to poor attendance from being depressed and ill, I applied to university and I have already been offered an unconditional place at The University of Wales, Trinity Saint Davids, Lampeter, to study theology and religious studies this September, which is amazing, although im still waiting for responses from other universities, Its a huge relief to know that in September ill finally be at university, which is long overdue. and it is such a relief that im finally moving on with my life. I cant tell you how much it means to me.

Another few things which are helping me get through my depression is, one of my best friends being able to talk to me every day (albeit only the one message) which I really appreciate even though I might not show it to her, she means a lot to me.
Also watching streams on Twitch.tv, mainly the streams of Kungfufruitcup and Mssnowhite, which have been such a huge help with my depression and just helping to pick up my mood and  to cope through the day, which is a massive help, and I cant describe how much their streams help me, even if I have had to adjust my sleeping schedule to watch them, as it really helps me just to get through the day, as they are both super friendly and welcoming, and its just amazing to be a part of their chats and make me feel so loved and welcomed in their streams, it really does help me just cope. They are just so amazing, and I am so lucky to have found their channels so I can have some human contact almost daily and just be a small part of their awesome streams and lives. I cant over state how much they help, just being able to watch their gaming streams and to chat with them and other people on their chat. I just cant express it.

Also the church and God is helping me cope too, I know I still need to see a doctor about this, all of what im getting is actually keeping me from the worst of wht I could be going through, which I am grateful for every day. And I thank God for leading me to all these thing that do help me cipe, from church, and my homegroup and the friends ive made their, to my best friend, and the streams, it all just means the world to me that I have access to them all. Its an incredible blessing, although things are still tough they all just make the darkness just that bit brighter! :)

*massive hug*

Thanks for reading

Natalie
Xxx