My ramblings on lateness and issues around it

Hey All,

Its been a while since I last wrote a proper update, which is largely due to a quiet summer. Which in some ways has been really good, but if any of you know Lampeter, you know why it can be taxing living here pretty much for a year with not really leaving it too much!

So as many of you will likely know, I'm now repeating my first year of university. Which considering the emotional disaster that was last year, well let me just say, it wasn't a surprise I failed. So one thing over the summer I knew I needed to do was to come up with plans to avoid making the same mistakes as I did last year. Which I have done my best to, however in doing so I did fall into something which is now really confusing me, as I'm not sure if its a mistake or not, but it really confuses and stresses me out.

Well firstly through the main person I'm writing about here, I met and became a part of a loose group of people, however its a really different dynamic than a group I was part of last year before I was ejected.
Tbh I'm not sure how to explain this current one. But that's not what I'm here to talk about.
The main person I referred to earlier, is the main topic and reason for my general confusion right now. Which on the flip side the also contribute a lot to when my moods are good.

Now to explain, said person can and has massively tested my patience and mood, last night for instance, we were meant to meet for dinner (which I had made (a pie, which they requested)) at 8.30, however she over booked herself, and ended up being over an hour and a half late, which in normal circumstance, id find really difficult to deal with, but that with the fact that we had plans, and that  had made food, and a main that she had requested, to say I was annoyed and upset was an understatement.

To clarify this individual has a habit of being late (to be fair I'm not always the best with it either but for different reasons) almost constantly, which is something I struggle with anyway. As I know this is weird, but it links into my abandonment issues, where I start to worry are they going to be here, why haven't they been in touch, or why are hey keep delaying? Do they actually want to come? Or are they doing this to annoy me? And the list of thoughts go on, which ends up making me really anxious and nervous, and quite honestly, can drive me to tears. As I just feel helpless in those situations. Which isn't something I can control unfortunately. Especially considering the roots of where those emotions stem from. I just cant help it unfortunately.

So it isn't specifically the lateness that gets to me, its that which sets off a whole loads of different complex emotions and thoughts, which I cant deal with. So generally people who are like this individual I would have normally cut them out of my life by now, as I just cant cope with how that leaves me to feel (also I do feel really bad when I'm late or miss things with other too tbf). Although for some inexplicable reason this person instead of wanting to see less and less of them, I cant to see them fairly regularly still. And that quite honestly confuses me, as it seems to go against the nature of emotional preservation ive built around myself. But there is just something about her that make me not able to cut ties with her. However much her lateness and other things infuriates me. As so far this year, this has been the main cause of my exhaustion (both physical and emotional), stress etc is her lateness.

The problem is, I cant just take things fluidly in meeting with people, ok if I'm free and someone pops up as says do you want to you something, ill likely say yes (depending on what it is). Where my problem lies is that I still need to plan to meet people, and when I do I don't like if things don't go to plan, ok if its down to illness or something I completely understand that. But if its late with no really reason then I struggle. So that's why I tend to try to plan things as much as possible, and to keep to them as best as I can. As it isn't about trying to control the other person, but its about protecting my emotional state, it is something I need to do, to stay in an ok mood, and to not be driven insane by what is basically paranoid ramblings in my mind, guessing as to what is happening. Which along side the emotional side of taking me back to times where I do get abandoned. I struggle with. (Also (unless it is illness related) I hate it when people say that they can do something on one day, which they came up with, then ended up coming back and say that oh no they cant do that for other commitments, that is something else I struggle with)

Anyway so if I appear in a weird mood around lateness, or if plans are fuzzy is they half made but also going on at that time, then hopefully this can give an understanding why I'm in the weird mood I'm in. As its not exactly personal.

Anyway if you have questions or want things clarified feel free to ask

I hope your all well anyway

Hugs

Natalie :D Xxxx

(P.S I'm hoping to update some of my old posts soon, and to post a proper update in the next month or two :D ) Xxx

Another couple of poems

What to do about you?

Conflict rises,

Emotions stir,

What do I want?

Where so I stand?


The more time I spend

Spend with you,

The less time

Time I want to spend apart


My life brightens when

When you are near,

When you pop up,

My heart swells.


Yet ready for this,

I certainly am not,

Neither are you,

Yet my thoughts are

Are always of you.


The more time we spend,

The more I learn,

The more I want to learn

The more I want to spend.


Yet. Off-putting this may be,

My insecurities stir,

As I realise,

Realise how fast I'm falling for you.


Worst timing there couldn't be

When it comes to this

When all I was seeking

Was someone to be a friend.


So now I face such a challenge,

To read your mind,

To hear your heart,

Whilst comparing it to my own

This is where the challenge lies.


I hope I do not mess it up

Push you away

For fear of getting close,

Or rejected by you.


All I know is that,

In this time,

You hold,

Hold a special place in my heart.

Whilst I,

Figure out,

What to do about you?









Quiet Beauty


When I first saw you,

Something stirred,

My intrigue started,

Desire grew


Desire to know more of you,

To get inside your head

To learn about your life

And see where things lead


A conscious decision

This may not have fully been,

Yet the more I learn,

The more I want to know


Shy yet open

With such a quirky air

Mixed with

With quiet beauty within


Whenever you show,

My heart skips

Excitement grows

Just to have a glimpse


The more I get to know,

Know your quirkish charm,

The more I think

The more I ask,

Is this the one for me?


A budding Crush looms

This now I cannot deny

Though is this what I want,

Is this something in ready for?


What if this is one sided?

What if my hopes are crushed?

My world upturned

Should I speak my thoughts.


For now

Now I am content

With just siting and

And waiting

To see where this path leads.


Though this path

Path frightens me

For of three possible outcomes,

Risks I cannot take,

If heartache I wish to keep at bay


So now I must pretend

Pretend that when I see you

When you message me

My heart fills not with glee

As my world in an instant,

Melts all around.


For now I wait

Wait and see

Where this path

Path my heart has chosen

Chosen for me will end.


Will my feeling grow?

Can they even be returned?

So much I don't know,

And so much I want to learn!

Future Uncertain

Life around seems strange and distant,

Like im on the outside looking in

Darkness looms, Pain grows

As depression and anxiety grows

 

With the future gaining fast

Panic sets in

As I ask myself

Am I ready for this?

 

I have decided to press on

As I can’t turn back,

There is only one direction to go

This time I hope it works.

 

So many thoughts swirling

What if I fail?

What if I fall?

Will loneliness overcome?

 

Amongst all this

A strange feeling grows

A looming crush

One unexpected

 

With so much on the line

Is this something I want right now?

Or even can deal with this?

I don’t think it’s the time

But I cannot decide

Decide where my heart will lead

 

What will happen now

Only time will tell

The next year is full of Hope

Hope and opportunity

Or will it end with all my dreams,

My dreams shattered on the ground?

My Thoughts on the current state of American Politics

I am not an American, I am a British citizen, which is something I am glad to say. However, affairs and politics of America has far reaching effects, not just I American borders, but worldwide. As it is one of the worlds superpowers, and one which the world looks to. alongside its allies such as us in the UK and other countries around the world, to help keep relative peace in the world today which, I can’t say the US, the UK or any country has acted perfectly, as none have. However, the US and its allies has always kept world peace at its core since the end of the second world war. Often with mixed results but the desire for peace is one shared with people across the world, and is one of, by my understanding, the key principles in the United States.

 

There are many issues in America which as a British citizen, I just can’t understand or agree with due to ideological differences, especially on the right to bear arms which is something that seems to be a big issue in the US. Which is something I cannot personally understand how Americans feel safe with weapons that can kill in an instant being so easily and readily available, however just because I disagree with many things in American policies, on both sides of the isle, doesn’t mean that they’re aren’t things I admire about the American people, and the country, such as its determination, willpower and one of its founding values of everyone being created equal.

 

Due to these values, I am bewildered about what is happening in American politics right now. With the nomination of Donald Trump as the Republican Presidential Candidate, his hate speech against Muslims, Mexicans, Women, amongst so many others, and seems to be sowing seeds of division in the United States between its people, and the US and its allies. Which is highly dangerous with a world which is already growing in violence, with water shortages, food shortages, climate change and growing tensions across the middle east and the world, the very last thing the world needs is a divisive, hot headed and ignorant President of the USA. I strongly believe, and am afraid that if Trump becomes President, it will not just cripple America, but lead the world on a path to war which we can and must not follow. As the next world war will likely be out last world war and will drastically change life as we know it, if any of us even survive it, as it is likely that nuclear weapons will be involved.  

 

Another worry about Donald Trump which I have, is the complete lack of understanding of issues, and lack of plans on how to implement any of his “ideas” so even if he is elected, I can’t see how he will press forward with his agenda unless he intends to talk lots of hot air, as he has done in his acceptance speech and his whole campaign, and bore congress to death until they pass what he wishes, I can’t see how he will get anything which he has promised delivered. So I fail to see how he is so popular and how he was allowed to get so far in the race to the White House. I heard a lot of repetition and waffling in Trumps speech at the Republican Convention, but it had no substance besides division and hate. Unless that is his plan, maybe this is his plan for his greatest plan to scam America, and profit from its losses, and potentially profit off of war, besides that I fail to see what Trump hopes to achieve.

 

This is in stark contrast to the hope, longing for the spread of love, peace and unity which I saw so much in the Democratic convention, and yes there are things due to major ideological differences with UK and American politics, that I disagreed with however, the democratic platform is definitely, in my opinion a push in the right direction for America. As instead of hate, discrimination and racial tensions, the Democrats in America are trying to foster a spirit of unity and inclusiveness in their party and country which is something to be admired, and for me the greatest show of this is that the Hilary and Bernie campaigns came together to come up with the democratic platform which is surprising based of the tough campaign they fought against each other, that is a real show of putting differences aside to work for the greater good. Something people everywhere, not just in America, should admire, despite whatever personal reservations you might have.

 

I’m not saying Hilary, nor the Democratic party is perfect, however from what I can see, they are representing the majority of the diverse and rich cultures and identities which exist within the US, and are vocalising their belief that they should all be able to exist in unity, and share in the prosperity of America. Which is something I can’t say I saw in the Republican Convention, which just seemed like a rich men’s club fighting to maintain the status quo of the rich staying rich whilst the poor suffer.

 

I’m not writing this to try to persuade anyone to vote in any particular way, as people in America need to choose what they believe is right, nor am I saying that one party is better than the other. I’m just offering my thoughts and views as an outsider, looking in. I am writing this as a concerned human being who has to live on this earth and feel the effects that this election results however they may go, not directly as many Americans will, but it will have an effect globally.

 

 What I’ve I’ve seen whilst watching both party’s conventions is one party of hate, and one trying to be one of unity. I know which one I’d prefer to be leading the US, not for any other reason that I would be afraid to live anywhere on this earth if hate was given one of the biggest and most powerful platforms on the world stage, which will destabilise the fragile peace the world exists in, and will have far reaching consequences within American borders and across the globe. However, it is up to America to decide its own fate.

My Latest Poem

The Unwelcome distraction

 

Darkness surrounds,

Anxiety rises,

Moods fade,

The spark of hope is almost gone.

 

Nothing can help,

Nowhere can I hide,

From the darkness swelling,

Swelling in my chest,

 

Tears threaten to spill,

The pain of the darkness,

The pain ever increases,

How can I make this flee?

 

I do not know how to go on,

I do not know how to cope,

So a distraction is what I need,

Need just to get through.

 

But what? I ask

Everything ive tried,

Al idea’s ive had,

Does not keep the darkness at bay.

 

In a fit of desperation,

Into the dark hallways I creep,

Tiptoeing down the stairs,

And into the kitchen!

 

Once im there I grab a knife,

This will do I think,

So back upstairs I creep,

With the knife in my hand.

 

Once secured in my room,

The knife glides across my arm,

And glides, and glides.

Yet it doesn’t even break the skin.

 

So back down the stairs I go,

To find a sharper knife,

I find one which may do,

And I return to my room.

 

So again I try,

In desperation,

To create a distraction,

A distraction of physical pain.

 

Though even with this new knife,

Blood is not drawn,

My skin intact (I think),

The distraction has worked,

For a time.

 

The stinging from my arm,

From the efforts of the knife,

Refocuses my mind,

My mind off the emotional pain.

 

Though fear starts,

As I think,

What if this happens again?

What will this take to end?

 

So here I am,

Lonely,

Afraid and annoyed,

Whist the stinging arm just laughs at me!

Another Venting post

Ever since I was abandoned when I was 7/8 years old all I did from that point was survive. I stopped living, and I lost touch with myself, and withdrawn so deep in myself, I just feel hollow, and pain. Which is something I still struggle with today. Yes I am starting to find myself again, especially through starting to live as myself, but in that im finding myself which in all honesty, makes me feel completely lost, as due to what happened years ago, I have lost so many years of my life, and I think due to this I end up sabotaging myself to fail, not by conscience decisions but sub consciously, and this isn’t helped with also suffering with depression.

 

One particular things I massively struggle with is feeling completely alone in the world, yes I have my faith, as has been shown in this blog, but I still feel that I have no base, no security, family (that I can depend on), that I am utterly alone, and that is my biggest struggle, what makes this worse is through my depression i push people away, along with my insecurities and deepest fears of being abandoned again, as im so afraid of feeling that, and of rejection. And all of that has played an impact on my failings in my first year at uni, which at this point im most likely going to have to re do.

 

There is one thing which I struggle to come to terms with, my loss of childhood, which plays a massive part on my failings, and what doesn’t help is my failed relationship with my Dad, as he just couldn’t understand my needing to change gender, also my depression, he just acted like a stranger and kept me at arm’s length, which crushed me, because I remember how close we used to be, and now that’s just a memory, and all hopes of a new relationship with him and pretty more all of my family (besides one sister) is something I just have no hope for. I just watched an episode of glee where Rachel meets her mother for the first time, and that just bought it back, that failed relationship. It kinda helped me to see how it might have been difficult for my Dad, but still, I just wish thigs had worked out there, and that it didn’t and the last conversation I had with him, honestly still hurts.

 

There is just so much inside which I don’t talk about, not events themselves, but their impact on me, and tbh that’s because I don’t understand it myself. There is just so much im having to go through and deal with all at one, and yes I am engaging with people to get the help I need, but still, none of that is going to ever fully heal some of the root causes of the abandonment etc. I am just going to have to live with it, which frightens me. Especially as it will likely cause to to drive many people away and not let myself become close to people, and its not because I don’t want to, its because I just don’t know how to anymore, especially amongst everything im having to juggle inside right now, I just don’t know how I can manage it, especially with not having anyone I can fully count on, there is so much I need to do and figure out, and doing it practically alone (itll feel like that even with professional help as that only covers one aspect of support) and that scares me. I just don’t know how to do it, but I know that I need help, but at the same time, ive no idea who to turn to. Mostly as im afraid to drive people away…..

 

(P.S this is just me venting out my thoughts and emotions and not targeted to anyone in any way, and is just something I needed to write, to get this out into the open)

 

Sorry about all the negativity in this post

 

I hope you are all well anyway

 

Natalie Xxx