Future Uncertain

Life around seems strange and distant,

Like im on the outside looking in

Darkness looms, Pain grows

As depression and anxiety grows

 

With the future gaining fast

Panic sets in

As I ask myself

Am I ready for this?

 

I have decided to press on

As I can’t turn back,

There is only one direction to go

This time I hope it works.

 

So many thoughts swirling

What if I fail?

What if I fall?

Will loneliness overcome?

 

Amongst all this

A strange feeling grows

A looming crush

One unexpected

 

With so much on the line

Is this something I want right now?

Or even can deal with this?

I don’t think it’s the time

But I cannot decide

Decide where my heart will lead

 

What will happen now

Only time will tell

The next year is full of Hope

Hope and opportunity

Or will it end with all my dreams,

My dreams shattered on the ground?

My Thoughts on the current state of American Politics

I am not an American, I am a British citizen, which is something I am glad to say. However, affairs and politics of America has far reaching effects, not just I American borders, but worldwide. As it is one of the worlds superpowers, and one which the world looks to. alongside its allies such as us in the UK and other countries around the world, to help keep relative peace in the world today which, I can’t say the US, the UK or any country has acted perfectly, as none have. However, the US and its allies has always kept world peace at its core since the end of the second world war. Often with mixed results but the desire for peace is one shared with people across the world, and is one of, by my understanding, the key principles in the United States.

 

There are many issues in America which as a British citizen, I just can’t understand or agree with due to ideological differences, especially on the right to bear arms which is something that seems to be a big issue in the US. Which is something I cannot personally understand how Americans feel safe with weapons that can kill in an instant being so easily and readily available, however just because I disagree with many things in American policies, on both sides of the isle, doesn’t mean that they’re aren’t things I admire about the American people, and the country, such as its determination, willpower and one of its founding values of everyone being created equal.

 

Due to these values, I am bewildered about what is happening in American politics right now. With the nomination of Donald Trump as the Republican Presidential Candidate, his hate speech against Muslims, Mexicans, Women, amongst so many others, and seems to be sowing seeds of division in the United States between its people, and the US and its allies. Which is highly dangerous with a world which is already growing in violence, with water shortages, food shortages, climate change and growing tensions across the middle east and the world, the very last thing the world needs is a divisive, hot headed and ignorant President of the USA. I strongly believe, and am afraid that if Trump becomes President, it will not just cripple America, but lead the world on a path to war which we can and must not follow. As the next world war will likely be out last world war and will drastically change life as we know it, if any of us even survive it, as it is likely that nuclear weapons will be involved.  

 

Another worry about Donald Trump which I have, is the complete lack of understanding of issues, and lack of plans on how to implement any of his “ideas” so even if he is elected, I can’t see how he will press forward with his agenda unless he intends to talk lots of hot air, as he has done in his acceptance speech and his whole campaign, and bore congress to death until they pass what he wishes, I can’t see how he will get anything which he has promised delivered. So I fail to see how he is so popular and how he was allowed to get so far in the race to the White House. I heard a lot of repetition and waffling in Trumps speech at the Republican Convention, but it had no substance besides division and hate. Unless that is his plan, maybe this is his plan for his greatest plan to scam America, and profit from its losses, and potentially profit off of war, besides that I fail to see what Trump hopes to achieve.

 

This is in stark contrast to the hope, longing for the spread of love, peace and unity which I saw so much in the Democratic convention, and yes there are things due to major ideological differences with UK and American politics, that I disagreed with however, the democratic platform is definitely, in my opinion a push in the right direction for America. As instead of hate, discrimination and racial tensions, the Democrats in America are trying to foster a spirit of unity and inclusiveness in their party and country which is something to be admired, and for me the greatest show of this is that the Hilary and Bernie campaigns came together to come up with the democratic platform which is surprising based of the tough campaign they fought against each other, that is a real show of putting differences aside to work for the greater good. Something people everywhere, not just in America, should admire, despite whatever personal reservations you might have.

 

I’m not saying Hilary, nor the Democratic party is perfect, however from what I can see, they are representing the majority of the diverse and rich cultures and identities which exist within the US, and are vocalising their belief that they should all be able to exist in unity, and share in the prosperity of America. Which is something I can’t say I saw in the Republican Convention, which just seemed like a rich men’s club fighting to maintain the status quo of the rich staying rich whilst the poor suffer.

 

I’m not writing this to try to persuade anyone to vote in any particular way, as people in America need to choose what they believe is right, nor am I saying that one party is better than the other. I’m just offering my thoughts and views as an outsider, looking in. I am writing this as a concerned human being who has to live on this earth and feel the effects that this election results however they may go, not directly as many Americans will, but it will have an effect globally.

 

 What I’ve I’ve seen whilst watching both party’s conventions is one party of hate, and one trying to be one of unity. I know which one I’d prefer to be leading the US, not for any other reason that I would be afraid to live anywhere on this earth if hate was given one of the biggest and most powerful platforms on the world stage, which will destabilise the fragile peace the world exists in, and will have far reaching consequences within American borders and across the globe. However, it is up to America to decide its own fate.

My Latest Poem

The Unwelcome distraction

 

Darkness surrounds,

Anxiety rises,

Moods fade,

The spark of hope is almost gone.

 

Nothing can help,

Nowhere can I hide,

From the darkness swelling,

Swelling in my chest,

 

Tears threaten to spill,

The pain of the darkness,

The pain ever increases,

How can I make this flee?

 

I do not know how to go on,

I do not know how to cope,

So a distraction is what I need,

Need just to get through.

 

But what? I ask

Everything ive tried,

Al idea’s ive had,

Does not keep the darkness at bay.

 

In a fit of desperation,

Into the dark hallways I creep,

Tiptoeing down the stairs,

And into the kitchen!

 

Once im there I grab a knife,

This will do I think,

So back upstairs I creep,

With the knife in my hand.

 

Once secured in my room,

The knife glides across my arm,

And glides, and glides.

Yet it doesn’t even break the skin.

 

So back down the stairs I go,

To find a sharper knife,

I find one which may do,

And I return to my room.

 

So again I try,

In desperation,

To create a distraction,

A distraction of physical pain.

 

Though even with this new knife,

Blood is not drawn,

My skin intact (I think),

The distraction has worked,

For a time.

 

The stinging from my arm,

From the efforts of the knife,

Refocuses my mind,

My mind off the emotional pain.

 

Though fear starts,

As I think,

What if this happens again?

What will this take to end?

 

So here I am,

Lonely,

Afraid and annoyed,

Whist the stinging arm just laughs at me!

Another Venting post

Ever since I was abandoned when I was 7/8 years old all I did from that point was survive. I stopped living, and I lost touch with myself, and withdrawn so deep in myself, I just feel hollow, and pain. Which is something I still struggle with today. Yes I am starting to find myself again, especially through starting to live as myself, but in that im finding myself which in all honesty, makes me feel completely lost, as due to what happened years ago, I have lost so many years of my life, and I think due to this I end up sabotaging myself to fail, not by conscience decisions but sub consciously, and this isn’t helped with also suffering with depression.

 

One particular things I massively struggle with is feeling completely alone in the world, yes I have my faith, as has been shown in this blog, but I still feel that I have no base, no security, family (that I can depend on), that I am utterly alone, and that is my biggest struggle, what makes this worse is through my depression i push people away, along with my insecurities and deepest fears of being abandoned again, as im so afraid of feeling that, and of rejection. And all of that has played an impact on my failings in my first year at uni, which at this point im most likely going to have to re do.

 

There is one thing which I struggle to come to terms with, my loss of childhood, which plays a massive part on my failings, and what doesn’t help is my failed relationship with my Dad, as he just couldn’t understand my needing to change gender, also my depression, he just acted like a stranger and kept me at arm’s length, which crushed me, because I remember how close we used to be, and now that’s just a memory, and all hopes of a new relationship with him and pretty more all of my family (besides one sister) is something I just have no hope for. I just watched an episode of glee where Rachel meets her mother for the first time, and that just bought it back, that failed relationship. It kinda helped me to see how it might have been difficult for my Dad, but still, I just wish thigs had worked out there, and that it didn’t and the last conversation I had with him, honestly still hurts.

 

There is just so much inside which I don’t talk about, not events themselves, but their impact on me, and tbh that’s because I don’t understand it myself. There is just so much im having to go through and deal with all at one, and yes I am engaging with people to get the help I need, but still, none of that is going to ever fully heal some of the root causes of the abandonment etc. I am just going to have to live with it, which frightens me. Especially as it will likely cause to to drive many people away and not let myself become close to people, and its not because I don’t want to, its because I just don’t know how to anymore, especially amongst everything im having to juggle inside right now, I just don’t know how I can manage it, especially with not having anyone I can fully count on, there is so much I need to do and figure out, and doing it practically alone (itll feel like that even with professional help as that only covers one aspect of support) and that scares me. I just don’t know how to do it, but I know that I need help, but at the same time, ive no idea who to turn to. Mostly as im afraid to drive people away…..

 

(P.S this is just me venting out my thoughts and emotions and not targeted to anyone in any way, and is just something I needed to write, to get this out into the open)

 

Sorry about all the negativity in this post

 

I hope you are all well anyway

 

Natalie Xxx

My current musings

So, here I am again writing another blog post. Not much has changed since my last blog post, I'm still deeply struggling emotionally, with all the same issues which I have already said in this blog, and one other. Which is something which I've slowly been realising but not really ever spoken about until recently. Which is having a support network, which at the moment, I just don't have right now. I have a few friends which I can speak to and trust, and I find it difficult to be able to trust people, but its weird how.

But still, I dont really have anyone who I can call at any time day or night, to rely on to be there when I need them, most people have family to rely on in this capacity, however my Dad wont accept me for who I am, and doesn't treat me like im his child, I barely speak to my mum, the closes person I have in my family is my younger sister, but even with her, I feel distant from, as I dont know her that well. And besides from my younger sister, who I actually do genuinely care about as a person, as well as her being my sister, the rest of my family in all honesty, are just strangers, and yes I care about them, and I know that they are my blood relatives, however at the same time I dont know them, and not having those family bonds which most people have, honestly, I find that really difficult at times and it hurts.

One thing I feel I need right now is that bond, however its impossible, especially now, and it makes me such an annoying and almost desperate friend to have, and im surprised about how many I do have, however, as ive said, I pressure those friends I do have so much it probably drives them away like it has so many others, which tbh still hurts. And right now, I cant do anything to chance that, as half of the time im both wanting to speak to people yet wanting to be alone at the same time, and that is a weird and annoying struggle to have. And it doesnt help that most of my time, I just dont have anyhting to do, nor can I afford to do anything, especially as half of the things id love to do, is either unlikely right now, or just too expensive and in all honesty it just makes everything more difficult, and the other half I just dont feel comfortable doing alone atm, so either way I feel trapped in my situation.

Yes, in September ill be starting at university, which im really looking forward to, and im hoping that it will really help my mood and outlook on life for so many different reasons. But that doesn't help my position now. Also there is no guarantee that university will help. Which im also taking into consideration.

One thing im doing to help distract myself is watching a lot of tv series and films, but most often than not, they just remind me of things im desperately seeking and what im missing in my life. And just makes me feel worse, id love to do some reading but im honestly not sure what to read, and I really don't feel comfortable with going to the library alone, so I just dont go, it just makes me feel to anxious.

On the note of being anxious, I actually feel anxious about going out in public right now, as one one side id love to be living as myself, but quite honestly cant afford it right now, also things with church and my home group also make things complex there, so I feel anxious when I do go out as myself because of that, but also I hate living as someone who im not, and that makes me anxious as I feel that despite coming public with my decision which is round about a year now, I havent made any progress with it, so I feel weird going out then as I feel that people will think that I made the whole thing up, when I havent, and as soon as im in uni and can afford to, I will start living as myself full time. But until then both ways I just feel weird about it.

Anyway here is an update of my current mood and how things are im my life. I know its gloomy and not interesting which im sorry about, but I hope it helps those who know me to understand why I behave as I do.

I hope that you are all well, and thanks for reading. And sorry again

Natalie

Xxx

Open Letter to Political Leaders about the Care System

An Open letter to all Political party leaders

To all political leaders in the UK,

As you all know the election is just around the corner, yet the election is extremely difficult to predict, and due to this political tensions on divisive issues are set to cause further divisions and debates on the political battle field.

However in this, we loose what is truly important, not winning votes, but what is best for the British people. Especially those who do not have a voice, or are extremely under represented in society, such as the elderly, disabled, and the group I will be writing on, Children in care and Care leavers.

I remember a news article from 11^th March 2015 based on a report given by Members of Parliament stating that “Children in care failed by government” and “get a raw deal”, which having been through the care system, I completely agree with. It is not fair or right that a child in care, has to fight for months just to get support from mental health professionals which is often minimal and doesn't truly help the individual. Nor is it right that the system is based on on a “tick box” bureaucratic nightmare, which means that the social worker assigned to the individual is unable to spend as much time with the individuals as they should as they spend a hefty chunk of their time filling out unnecessary paperwork that does not reflect the needs of the individual. Which I find is one of the biggest failings of the care system.

If social workers had less paper work to do, it would free up a lot more time which could cut costs on the social workers time, but more importantly give social workers the time to meet an individuals needs and helps them to flourish into the people they could become, rather than the failures which sadly most of them become, as when I last checked the number of people who had been in care and was homeless at some point in their lives, in and out of prison, on benefits most of their lives, etc is over (these are only rough figures) 90% with only round about 30% attaining GCSE's and then only 6% going to university out of around 57,000 Children in care, which is a huge failing on the governments part.

The State through the courts have taken these children into their care as they were either neglected and abused by their parents (or both) and then they move from children homes to foster cares, and sometimes into temporary accommodation such as bed and breakfasts throughout their time in care, and most do not receive the emotional and psychological support they desperately need which makes them more likely to go into prison, with over 1/3 of all prisoners having been in care, and nearly 50% of under 21 year old's in prison being from a care background, bearing in mind that out of the adult population only 1 or 2% of all adults go to prison. This further shows the state failings of children in care, if this was a child of parents in the uk, they would ironically, but likely, end up in the care system that is supposedly supposed to take these children away from such a harsh upbringing and fate.

All of these concerns, and so much more, desperately need to looked at and fixed in the next Parliament, as this is neglect on part of the Government to fail to provide the care needed to help the majority of children in care, and care leavers to flourish.

So my Questions to all Party Leaders follow:-

1) What are your plans to help to reform the care system so that most people who leave care can have a happy and successful future which many currently lack?

2) Will you pledge more funds to Social services and make this a protected area in terms of cuts? As further cuts to this sector could cause its collapse of an already failing system.

This is a vital service to this country however the service is currently neglected by parliament and seldom talked about, which is damaging to the system itself.

I hope that you consider these issues and commit to building a care system that creates a positive and bright future for all those who has been taken into care.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Random Musings and thoughts

Well its been a while since my last proper blog post, but that is mainly because not much has changed since then. Besides accepting the unconditional offer to the University of Wales Trinity Saint David's, Lampeter Campus and I'm starting preparations for that, such as my student finance application which is confusing but I'm getting there. So right now I'm just in limbo waiting for the exam I need to resit in the summer then just until I can do more things preparing myself for university.

Despite the future looking positive as my life is moving forwards, I find myself still battling with depression and issues with not being able to live as a woman as I really want and need to be, which is really effecting myself. and im sick of both the depression and being restricted in being myself. its crushing and draining me. On top of these issues my cousin has completely rejected the fact that I am now preparing to become and live full time as a woman, and he threatened me for the next time I see him, and basically he had just rejected me.

And im not even sure where my Dad stands on this. Besides my younger Sister, and my Nan, I'm honestly not sure that I want to have contact with my family, as I feel like I'm imposing on my dad when I've gone to visit, and I'm just not getting anywhere in rebuilding a relationship with him, although I understand that he is busy, and he has a new family and things are difficult with that from as far as I can tell, but still, I'm his eldest child, I think he should make more of an effort to have more contact, once a fortnight would be better than once every few months. I just find it really difficult to find anything to talk about with Dad, as I just don't know him as I did as a child, and im not in a place where im able to keep trying to build one. So I'm thinking just cutting all ties with them. But at the same time I want to be in touch with my family, despite mostly it seems like that's a one way thing. Which really upsets me. So im really not sure what to do here.

Then there is having nothing to do on a day to day basis, which is actually making everything worse, but at the same time, im really not able to cope with doing much which I hate. So between now an September is going to be a slow and painful waiting game hoping that I don't deteriorate in my mood to such a level that I wont be able to cope with being at university, which im doing alli can to avoid this, like trying to see a doctor, (the had to re arrange my last appointment) and just trying to find something, anything to distract me each day, but that is becoming more and more difficult now. So im just not sure what to do.

So I find myself in a situation where most of the time im torn between hopeful for the future and really struggling with my limited support system and emotional difficulties that im facing, most of the time, I just don't know how to feel, and quote often either just feel down, or hollow inside and im just feeling drain by it all, as life passes me by.....