The Church and the problem of "Sin"

One thing I have observed, which is weighing on my mind more and more each day, is how far the Church, as a whole, has blinded itself. Not just to the world, which is harmful enough, but more importantly how the Church is blinding itself to God. I do not say this lightly, and I do not use “Church” to describe the true universal Church, but the Institutionalised from the Church has become on earth.

So How is the Church blinding itself to God you might ask? Which I myself might have asked in my youth. The answer is surprisingly clear, it is how the different forms of Church across the world, focuses, no, Fixates on one focus, one word from the bible, to justify discrimination, bigotry, hate, and so much more. This word is simple, but complex, the word is Sin.

The word “Sin” from the Hebrew origins, simply means “To miss the mark”, which in a focus of faith, and our walk with God, in simple terms means to just fall out of step with God, and his plan for us. But from this simple truth, we, the Church, has distorted it to essentially discriminate all who think differently to us. Thankfully the Church in the UK is slowly moving in the right direction on this, but we have a long, long way to go to be where God wants his Church, not just in the UK, but across the world to be.

The best example I can think of to show how the Church has used this to turn from God and became trapped in the trappings of Sin to realise that the Church in how it misses the mark in its walk in God, is the treatment of the LGBTQ+ community across the world, this is especially the case with those who just identify as Homosexual, or Transgender (I am at least the latter as a Transgender Woman). Across the world, people in the Church take issue with at least one of these groups. Based on their belief that by just being who they are, who God made them to be, that they are living in “Sin” as they believe.

This is wrong in so many ways, but most of all, the worst possible thing, is the people in the church who hold to this view assume to position of Judge, Jury, and Executioner, which completely stands in the face of the principle in our faith that only God and God alone can judge if we are living in “Sin”.

In this those who claim to be doing this to the LGBTQ+ communities, as they claim the way they live them attacks their religious beliefs, so shun them, discriminate, and perform hate crimes against, are ignoring the very principle that Jesus Christ lain his life down for us for. Which is ALL are to be loved and welcomed into Gods graces, as who they are. Not what those who object to the LGBTQ+ community expect everyone to be and conform to.

Most importantly is, not just what I have mentioned above, but something else, which demonstrates how they have fallen into the trappings of Sin in their hatred of things which don’t conform to their world view and idea of faith and reject all those who differ from it. They ignore these passages from Matthew Chapter 22 36-40 (NIV)

““Teacher, what is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it “LOVE your NEIGHBOUR as yourself” All the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments” “

As you can see, although I cannot vouch for the hearts of those who hold to the way of thinking that those who are LGBTQ+ live in Sin and deserve to be shunned and outcast. I can say this, those same people who shun these people due to it “being in conflict with their religious beliefs” have missed the point of what it means to be a Christian, and directly contradicts the two commandments which Jesus spoke about in Matthew, as is mentioned above.

Due to this, arguably, they miss the whole point of what our faith is about, what our Church is built on. Not the discrimination, hatred, belittling of others based on whether they believe someone is in Sin or not.

Our faith in its pure form, is about Love, the love in our relationship with us and God, which then spreads into the transforming love from God, which flows from us in our relationship with Him.

It is not about whether we conform to what out church expects us to be, or how many we try to “correct” from their life of so called “Sin”. But it IS about how much love, compassion, and God grace we pass on and show to others, and how inclusive, loving and accepting we are of all.

Our faith is not strictly confined in what we find in the pages of the bible, as the bible is only a guide to our faith, and something to draw inspiration from God from. But out faith is so much bigger and defies the constraints of the Bible which was written a long time ago, by the hand of man, which yes may have been inspired by God, but it is still written by man.

So our faith has to outstrip the confines of the Bible, as God’s essence and abilities, standards and tools, cannot be confined purely but the Bible.

Our faith and relationship with God, is only confined by our own ability to love ourselves, but more importantly God, and our ability to love and accept others no matter what, just as God has done for us, when Jesus dies for us on that Cross 2000 or so years ago.

Another trapping of Sin we have as a Church, isn’t just how we treat others as outlined. But also, our fixation on eternal punishment and rewards for either following God or not.

But in my reading of what scripture says, especially in revelation, but also just the whole of the Bible, is that life isn’t about punishment or reward. As if it was, why would God have sent his son to die for us ALL?

It’s because it isn’t about that. Life is a simple choice. It is where we Choose to have that relationship with God, by our own free will, without pressure, without strings, to dive into the relationship with God, and the eternal love he has for is. Which is why I believe, that our God does offer us eternal life, not as a reward for following him. But as a result of how much he loves us, God loves us so much he wants us to be with him, as we love him, and he loves us, for eternity, as that is the Power of Gods love for us, and this is what I believe the Riches God promises to us are, not vague treasure in New Jerusalem described in revelations, but to share in the deep love of God, and our relationship with him THAT is our reward, and it is more than we need.

And because of this, I cannot simply believe that God would just idly sit by and watch people he loves and cares for so deeply, suffer for eternity in “Hell” as so many Christians believe and spout.

As the bible does not speak of a God that is so full of hate, that he would let those he created, those he loves to suffer for eternity. But he offers them a choice, life, in a relationship in him to share in his love forevermore. Or to simply not. Those who do not choose God, he honours their wish, by giving them a true death, where they are no longer in creation, they become nothing. As where in Gods creation can Gods love not reach? That would be nowhere. As Gods love flows through all of creation.

So, the second death described in revelation, is not an eternal punishment as many believe. But is just God granting the wishes of those who have chosen to reject him.

So, the framing that the “Sinful” shall burn forever in hell unless they repent is another, and massively harmful rhetoric of the Church. And unless we fall out of this trapping collectively, and the ones already mentioned, all we will do is just further and further be a divisive force in the world and destructive. As the message of the church should NEVER be one of hate, but one of love, ALWAYS of Love.

Also, we must be ready to admit, that we, as Christians, do not know everything and do get things wrong. That is ok, and honestly, will gain us much more respect, understanding and patience of those who are not yet ready to believe. As we are only human after all, and due to this we do not, and more importantly cannot know everything. And to fall into this is yet another trapping of sin we must fight against. Yes, we can tell people what we believe to be the case, but we cannot objectively state it as fact, and we must be able to admit we may be wrong in something, and in this we can humble ourselves before other and God, and in this God can share more of the truth through us.

Also, we must remember that we are only meant to share our beliefs with others and pray for God to do the rest. It is not our job to give life to the seeds God wants us to plant in others, as only God knows how, if and when the right time for him to grow those seeds in others. We are just his sowers.

So, pray that we, as individuals, and as a body, the Church can escape the trappings of Sin, and find our place on our walk with God, so we may follow him, and trust in the love that God has for us and the path he has placed in front of us. And that we can eradicate the hate that comes from the Church and replace is with a love so powerful, it can, has and will continue to shape the world into the world God wants it to be. Through Gods love, all of us are saved, and it is only through love, not hate we can draw more people to know of the love that God has for us, and to truly live the life God has planned for us. 

The way to fight against hate and hurt, is never about fighting back with more hate and hurtful behaviour that pushes away those who would come to the church in need, but the way to fight it is in the love which we find in God.

So, pray that we, the church can find this love again and live in it, and let Gods love work through us, and in this we can escape the trappings of sin, and to live in love which God has given to all!

Also pray that we can humble ourselves, admit we are not always right in what we believe, before others and before God, be ready for God to work in us and through is in this, and that in this we can more effectively sow the seeds that might one day grow into faith.

And finally pray that we do not focus on what we can get from out faith, or what punishments we might face, as this is not what is important, but to focus and live in the love and life which God grants us, and think of that as our reward, and how we can share this reward with as many people as God places in our path to do so.

I hope that in some way this has been helpful to you, and feel free to comment on this post with questions or anything you wish to say (which is not hateful) and I will do my best to reply.

May God bless and protect and share his love with you all.

Blessing and love

Natalie

Xxx

Fleeting Hope

Life all around me flow,
Leaving me behind,
To watch the currents flow,
And wallow in my patch of darkness.

Seeing posts of peoples happiness,
Happiness, accomplishments and just good times,
Whilst often being happy for them,
Also tears me up inside.

Thoughts of my own failings,
Failings, fears and loneliness dwell,
Along side much, much more,
Escape from it all I cannot do.

Fleeing is no option either,
As the pain lies deep within,
Then what can I do?
To soothe the wounds within?

That I do not know,
Nor do I know,
Why, oh why.
Do I drive so many away?

Both of those questions,
And one more (that I cannot tell)
Lay deep on my heart today,
Like an all consuming fire in my mind.

All the time my mood,
Mood only fluctuates from,
Being not so great to,
To being torn up inside,
With only the rarest gleams of hope.

However the hope, and happiness,
Are often to fleeting to grasp,
So whilst I’m waiting for the help I seek,
All my strength is fighting the battles within.

But that strength is failing,
So only time will tell which,
Which will win out,
But from where I stand now,
I cannot tell.

Nor can I tell what failure might,
Might resemble.
So I fear, fear I may be trapped,
Trapped in this battle,
Battle without end.

But I hope that an end will come,
And that my loneliness lifts,
My depression fades,
And old wounds heal,

But until that day,
Forever trapped,
With little yet crucial help,
From those I hold dear,
I just hope it is enough.

So now all I can do,
Is wait and wait,
With my pain,
With my loneliness,
With my past,

Until the day,
That one way or another,
It all fades away,
All I hope, is that hope wins out

Written by

Natalie xxx

What’s always on my mind of late (beyond the usual)

Ok so welcome to another blog where I rant about how life is right now. So if this doesn’t interest you then feel free to click off this post.

Since the beg  of this year there has been 4 main things which have been on my mind constantly, all switching between who has the most air time, but all are on my mind in different amounts. Some of my friends already know this and I’ve talked about it to an extent with them.

These four things are (I’ll expand on them as we go along) the worst day of my life and how what happened then became my worst fear and how that effects my life now. The second is the constant worry and questioning if there is something wrong with me? The third is one of the confusing and misleading or disingenuous people I’ve known, for whatever their reasons might’ve been (I still don’t know that).
And the final one is something I’m honestly worried about putting into the blog but it does tie into the other things, but is it’s own thing as well, where I’ve started developing unwelcome feelings for someone which is causing massive conflict and tension in my head, also it’s all for nothing as I cannot and will not ever tell this person as honestly, it’s causing to much conflict in me, they mean to much as a friend, amongst other things which I cannot and will not go into here.
And this is on top on my depression and anxiety which is a constant undercurrent.

So the first of these is my worst fear, which is my fear of abandonment, which honestly I’d be surprised if that shocked anyone, especially those who know me, as I know first hand what that feels like (and many types) especially when it ties to the worst day of my life (not that I would change that as despite how things have been since, knowing what my dad is like now. I think we dodged a bullet, but hat doesn’t erase past hurts), it was when I was abandoned to social services (mentioned in my life story post) by my Nan and My dad on the same day (ok my dad left us there after a quick visit (which he didn’t remember) but I didn’t know he was prevented from taking us back at the time, only found that out later)

This experience is a major player in my relationships with people now, especially in how they form and that, no matter what, there will always be an in build insecurity in any friendship etc I will have and currently have due to that, hopefully in time I’ll learn to manage it better but for now I just can’t.
So for now this effect me. And makes it very difficult to trust people, and make me constantly afraid of people abandoning friendships for whatever reason (which has happened and it never gets easier and often just adds to the fear) and this ties right into the next thing that plays on my mind.

Due to so many friendships etc failing for often confusing, unknown or just unfortunate circumstances, and just how difficult I find it to make friends (and those I do make all seem to be similar to me in different ways, which isn’t necessarily a good thing tbh) and I constantly live in fear of driving them away from messaging too much, saying something or just doing something that might (unknowing to me) drive them away and make them withdraw before ending the friendship or just suddenly stopping. And with every disappointment and further abandonment (especially when it’s by someone I consider one of my close friends, as I don’t have many of those) it make it even harder to overcome my depression, anxiety and fear to go and meet others and try new things. To safeguard myself, as it’s just rubbing salt in a deep wound which has never healed, and that with other insecurities I have about myself, it’s just a massive struggle.
And due to my insecurities (especially when it come to how insecure I am about my current state of transition (and can’t wait until I have fully transition)) amongst other things), and honestly how often this has occurred, I wonder is there something fundamentally wrong with me which eventually drives people away? As if there is I don’t have a clue what it would be and wish someone would give insight  there , and if there isn’t then why the fucking hell does it keep happening? I’m sick and tired of it all. But I can’t do a thing about it.

The third thing always playing on my mind is one of those closest to me who suddenly and abruptly just ended the relationship that we were in and just went bitter and horrible (long distance) and that isn’t something I can explain and something that now they apparently don’t remember now. And it didn’t have a trigger I can remember, and honestly someone I was massively falling hard for and I thought they were too, but obviously they wasn’t. And if they were playing me then it was cruel, but it isn’t something I’ll ever find out the reasons behind what happened etc. But it has been on my mind a lot recently, which I honestly hate myself for, but what I hate most is despite the fact even if I ever had the chance of another relationship with them I’ll never take it, I do have a certain soft spot for them, which I think shows that I really do have an inability to let things go especially that which I once or still care about.
But yeah I hate that it’s been on my mind a lot, but once they were important to me. Like many others (in different ways) that I’ve been close to and then abandoned me (for various reasons across the board) and it has just been tying into all the other things.

Now the one I’m not even sure how to approach as it isn’t something I want to give much away about as I don’t want to tip off the person as I don’t want them to know. As despite how I feel. It is something I’m conflicted by and as I said there are other reasons so just can’t go into. And it isn’t someone I thought it would happen with, for many reasons and someone I definitely shouldn’t have, and that is something I hate and it adds to the conflict. And it isn’t something that even if the feelings did continue, (as they have been slowly growing for a while now until they hit this point and started major conflict) and I talked to them about it, I definitely don’t see this person being interested (especially in me, I’m not exactly great girlfriend material). And there could be a lot of problems. But this is going down a path I don’t want to think about as, I’m never going to to tell them, a honestly I value them too much as a friend, I don’t want to put them in an awkward situation most of all, and I don’t want to loose their friendship, and I can’t afford to loose another friend. So my thoughts and feelings about this person isn’t something I want to talk to the person about for the reasons already mentioned, despite  how much I care about them (and even when I get short messages from them, it often even just slightly, lifts my mood just a bit (which is a difficult task atm)) I cant tell them as it’s just to complicated, messy, inappropriate and as I said, their not a friend that I would risk losing. Ever.

So that’s what’s been on my mind constantly for the first half of the year so far.
Also a weird thing happened whilst writing the above paragraph, I was listening to a Spotify playing which includes a person I’ve been wanting to listen to atm, but you know how those playlists work, so a random song came up “absolutely simitten” by Dodie came up. Which I just thought was awkward but also a really weird coincidence considering what I was writing about.

But on a positive note, I have been maki steps to get help with both my mental health and transition (although it’s taking a long time) and this blog was just a way to get the thoughts outfits my head, even if it’s just on paper as it, even just momentarily helps.
Also I am also making plans for later this year to spend 4 nights in London and seeing the Harry Potter studio tour (hopefully with some friends) which I’m looking forward to, and the planning of that and just planning things. Especially trips in general is one of my main coping mechanisms atm as it means I’m not focusing on now.
Also one thing I hate is when people tell me how strong I am, as honestly I don’t feel strong, I feel low, weak and exhausted with no idea how to get out of this long dark tunnel I’m in, as I can’t right now see an end in sight.

But one thing I would not do is to give in. As the only option for that I would never take, as it would effect those I care about too much, and honestly I’m just to stubborn to let this ultimately defeat me. At the moment it has the upper hand yes. But it won’t forever (even if it doesn’t feel like it, even as I’m writing this, where I’m doing all I can not to break down in tears as if I do, I won’t be able to finish the post)
And I will get out of it, and achieve my life goals, just later than planned.

Also another note, to those reading this who I know, if I send you messages of “hey how are you?” (And various ways of) I’m doing so as a way of reaching out, which honestly is my something I find easy. And often goes against my instincts, like writing this blog post does, j do so as it is something I feel the need to do, even if I haven’t spoken to you in a while, it is something I’m doing in the hope of having a conversation to just take my mind of things just for a little bit.
And I’m not saying that I want to be free to engage in this all the time, but one thing I do ask is if your not wanting to talk please don’t ignore me, as often that makes me feel worse and plays into some of the things I’ve mentioned here today. And I’m not saying this to make people feel guilty just to help them understand. And all I ask if your not wanting to or unable to talk, just send a message to say so, if understand that a lot more than just being ignored and whatnot. But yeah that’s what I’d ask, also if I take ages to reply, it isn’t because I’m ignoring you, it could be that I forgot you sent a reply, or that I’m not upto reply at the time due to my mental health but I will when I can (Also if your similar and want to be in contact then let me know as then that is something I’d understand. Especially compared to being ignored)

Anyways sorry for the depressing tone to this and perhaps accusing tone at the end, which I must stress isn’t intend  but just occurred to be that it would be taken that way. And if you do I’m sorry and it was not my intention.

Anyways feel free to comment on this post and interact with it here. Or in other ways if you have  the means to do so.

I hope you are all well, and hopefully my next blog will be lest rantish, and more positive, or at the least we sooner than this was to the last one (the next post might be a poem if I can)

Until next time,

Massive hugs to all,

Natalie xxxxx

Thoughts and Reflections

This past year for me has been really difficult, for various reasons I’m about to go into. I’ve also had this constant struggle battling to just keep my head above the water. To keep myself from drowning, but honestly, I feel like I’m failing.

Yes, there has been good points this year which I massively appreciate. Such as the amazing holiday in Kos with one of my closest friends. And then just the support I have had from my friends overall, I have really appreciated. Despite having some frustration with certain things which ill cover later in this post.

The purpose of writing this, is to help me to explain above all, to myself, and those who care to read this, certain things I’m feeling and to try to better understand how I’ve been affected by things. It may come across as massively self-centred, and ungrateful, but that is not my intent.

Recently, over and over one of my biggest fears have been playing on my mind, and has been making me even more self-conscience and anxious than normal. And that is of being alone, in many ways. But the main one is that I’ll be abandoned by all of my current friends, or even just some of them, as right now, I’m not sure that is something I could cope with. Honestly, I’m barely coping with things as they stand. But if I end up driving another friend away due to not knowing how to handle my anxiety and depression (which doesn’t just affect my social life, but all aspects) then that would set off a dangerous chain reaction. Especially as in the past few years I’ve already lost so, so many people I cared about a lot, including some people I have considered to be my closest friends.

I think that because of this I have placed a high value on trying (and seeming, to me, failing) at keeping the friends I have, and trying to maintain, and see as many friends as I can regularly. But that hasn’t worked, due to various reasons, so I go from periods where I see different friends 3-4 days of a week, then I could have gaps of almost three weeks, with barely any contact with anyone, and that’s just through messages, let alone meeting up with people.

And I place a value on that, as yes, I have lost a lot of close people the last few years, but also as I just need to have regular meet ups with friends, just to keep my head above water whilst I wait for professional help. And to just help me my giving me a distraction and to bring some stability in my life that doesn’t depend on me spend most of my waking moments staring at a screen just hoping that someone messages or texts me.

Some have suggested to go to different things and to meet new people. But that just isn’t something I feel capable of, mostly down to my anxiety. But also, that I’m afraid of meeting new people that could potentially end up walking away from me, like so many other friends, and Family members. I just can’t make myself meet new people to make myself vulnerable to them, especially as I can’t even do that properly with myself, let alone my current friends, as I’m both afraid to be, and I’ve shut myself away for so long, I just don’t know how, things are slowly coming out, but even then, it takes time before I can understand things, let alone admit them to myself, and others.

Which I think is one of the reasons it taken me so long to come out as Natalie, as myself.

So, I’ve been juggling finding myself as Natalie (which is becoming increasingly difficult as I haven’t exactly been able to experiment as much as I’d like, especially with stuff like clothing, where I’m barely able to afford to replace clothes I have which are way beyond use, let alone expand on what I have), trying to organise professional help, my finances and just my life in general. Along with trying to deal with my mental heath in such a way that it doesn’t burden my friends too much (although it does, massively which I hate, especially with my constant complaining, low moods, poor hygiene, not keeping my flat great so I can’t invite people over, which might make things easier ect ect.) Also then there is trying to keep some regular social life which I’m able to cope with and handle, and that others aren’t to busy for (which has been a failure, with a mixture of my depression and then people just being to busy to regularly meet (even just on a weekly basis, some can but most can’t)).

Trying to juggle all of this is something which I feel like I’m drowning in, like I’m failing, myself and my friends. And I’m afraid that Ill be abandoned once again, like I have been by so many people, including my Nan, my Dad (3 times, most recently this year), and countless friends, which I constantly think about and miss, especially two particular ones (for different reasons) which is pointless, but something that I can’t help. I can’t control it. But all of this as a whole is really affecting things right now. And it just isn’t something I know how to deal with. Especially as, no matter how much I think otherwise, I’m just not over being abandoned by them all. With 4 that affect me the most.  The 4 people which were the closest to me, and that I cared the most about.

So what I do most of the time, as I just don’t know how to deal with is, is shut myself off, just so I can survive, and just barely deal with things, barely even function, and not letting myself, or anyone else, get close to me, to even some of my middling emotions most of the time, let alone my deepest ones. Which I don’t even trust myself with, obviously, so as I’m going through the motions, I’m not living, I’m barely surviving, frozen, not knowing what to do, as if I’m trapped. Which doesn’t just sum up this year, but probably my life since I was abandoned to the Care system when I was 7/8 ish.

That doesn’t mean that I’m not grateful for the friends, support and things I have right now, as I am. But that doesn’t still mean that I’m not lost in myself.

Anyways sorry for how dark this is, I just needed to work through this (and its barely scratched the surface) and just write it down.

I hope everyone is well.

Natalie xx

An incoherent rant of my current thoughts and state of mind xx

Well for the last month (and a bit beforehand) I've been massively fixated on birthday plans. Although what I originally wanted to happen didn't end up working. I've managed to cobble something together. Some things have fallen through which is disappointing but can't be helped, and some things have been really difficult to plan and was a really last minute cobbled plan.
Although I'm half that most things have been sorted.

I'm not writing this to speak about the face of the plans. But why ive been focusing so much on plans, as I'm writing this it's 1am on the eve of my 24th birthday (so less than 24 hrs to go (actually may still be longer due to the clocks going back but meh) I'm honestly feeling massively depressed, and I'm struggling alot. I'm struggling to take care of myself financially and physically. My flat is not in the best shape. I was withdrawn from uni this past year, I just feel like I've slid to where I was before I started uni. Although I have met some amazing people who are now some of my closest friends, which I'm grateful for. And some of the experiences I've had like my trip to Kos, which was amazing and needed. For the most part though I do struggle with feeling like myself and my life is a constant failure, and that I can't do anything right which is honestly why I am so insecure in my freindships and o fear that they could break at any moment. Which terrifies me. Ok that also linked to some deeper stuff too.

But yeah, due to all of this negative stuff I honestly wanted to have something to look forward to, with minimal stress and disappointment, which hasn't quite gone to plan. Although I am grateful for what has been planned and the freinds I've met and will be meeting with etc. And this isn't about making anyone feel bad. I'm just explaining why this all means so much.
Honestly I've been using it to distract myself that I'm another year older and things have just gone down hill massively. Emotionally and just my circumstances in general. Yes I know things could be worse. But honestly, I'm tired of of telling myself that as that doesn't make things easier. And nether does people telling me I need to do something to get help, and get over my depression, to volunteer or get a job of sorts, or go to something with what would essentially be a group of strangers (which I couldn't cope with atm) as everyone is busy and mostly I barely see anyone with a what can be a week to two week gap before i see anyone who isn't paid to see me. As I'm doing what I can and waiting for an appointment in early Nov which will hopefully start a path on helping my mental health.

Anyways I just wanted to plan a weekend or a few events around my birthday easily and stress free with no hithces, or disappointments because I wanted to have something to distract and give me focus, away from the difficult and honestly lonely existence I lead. I just wanted some sort of a break from it to make things over the next few months a little easier. And honestly to help me no to feel so worthless. Although I have had load of help from freinds. And I have good freinds who do their best to help. Honestly I do feel like a worthless failure who no matter how hard she tires, just cannot reach her goals in life. And honestly I'm just tired. Tired of it all.

And all of that is why I was trying to make this birthday special for me. Yes it's kinda selfish but I think after this year I kinda deserve to be, especially for my birthday.
I just hope that plans I have for the actual day goes well. Whilst I struggle through today, focusing on the hope of a small distraction from life tomorrow.

I know this is really dark and more self centered than normal. But I just thought I need to be honest with how I felt and what is driving me with my birthday plans. Not just so I'm honest with my freinds and everyone, but more importantly, so that I'm honest with myself as until now I hadn't been.

Also please don't think I'm not appreciative of those who have done things and will be doing things with me, as I really really am. I'm just explaining why these plans have been so important to me. And why I'm so focused on them right now.

Anyways I hope that your all well. And massive hugs to all.

Natalie xx

How?

Lonliness crushing my heart like a vice,
Joined with depression and anxiety too,
No matter how hard I try,
I cannot keep the pain inside,

Pain from abandonment,
From many different times,
Pain from the gaping,
Gaping failure that is my life,
Pain from reminders of,
Of everything I've lost.
I can't hold it in much longer.

Even now as tears fall,
As my cries escape,
I try to keep it all inside,
All bottled up,
Not only out of fear,
But because if I don't,
I don't know how I'd move on from it,
Not with my life as it is now.

Isolation is creeping in,
Some accidental,
Some not my fault,
And some just my depression
Depressession getting in the way.

And now,
Seeing post in Facebook,
About the start of uni,
Honestly,
That makes things harder still,
And makes my failures,
Failure over keeping
Keeping the pain at bay,
And letting the depressession win.

All this crushes me,
Deeper that I can express,
Deeper than I know.
Whilst I sit in the dark and alone,
I ask myself,
How can I move on from this?
How can I be free from my past?
How can I be free of this pain?

I do not wish to erase the past,
But just to stop it's influence,
Influence on my life now,
And with little support,
Little hope,
How to achieve this,
I just don't know how.

I just don't know how....

Crushed by Fear

Life moves slowly by,
As I'm frozen,
Trapped in my own fear,
Whilst life just passes me by.

Failure upon Failure,
Rejection on Rejection,
My hope is dwindling,
That I can engage once again.

But fear,
Fear traps me,
Unable to engage,
With myself or others.

Afraid of my emotions,
Emotions and connections,
I don't know how to,
How to connect with my emotions,

Few things of which I am sure,
My past ever haunts me,
As much as I try,
I don't know how to deal.

My inability to deal,
Has ruined opportunities,
Opportunities and freindships,
Which is why I keep,
Keep a distance from both.

So due to all this,
Lonliness is ever present,
With Anxiety and depression,
Which is crushing,
Crushing me from the inside out.

Being crushed along with other big changes,
And all my emotional baggage,
Is rooting me in place,
Leave me afraid,
Afraid of losing freinds,
Aswell as being afraid of myself.

How to overcome this,
I do not know,
But help I am seeking,
And the freinds I do have,
I am ever grateful to have,
Even though I'm afraid,
Afraid my fear might drive them away.

My biggest fear,
Besides being abandoned by,
By those closest to me,
Is that I will never get over this fear,
Which will leave me,
Forever trapped.

My family as all but left me,
My freinds are all I have,
But if I can't be fully open,
Open with my self,
And engage with my problems,
Then how can I do it,
To those freinds,
Who mean so much to me?

As but not doing so,
My fear is,
If I remain distant to my freinds,
Is the question,
Will I be left,
Left alone in the darkness of my fear?

Written by
Natalie
Xxx