Why I think you need to read "Undivided: Coming out, becoming whole and living free from shame" By Vivky Beeching

I have spent the last 3 hours reading “Undivided” by Vicky Beeching. (before writing this which taken about 1hr and a half)  And just Wow, this is the most brilliant and amazing memoir I have ever read. Although the book is obviously deeply faith centric, and I strongly felt God working in and through Vicky’s life and story, there is so much in this book, not just for those who are in the Church.

I myself identify with a fair amount of issues raised in the book, especially when it comes to repressing parts of yourself, for whatever reason, and I know from my own experience how harmful it is. I identify as a Transgender Woman, and a Christian myself. So, I know how hard it is to come to terms something that is a part of who you are (which I have already somewhat written about on this blog already (not this blog post but the blog in general)).

With myself though it has cost me one of my closest friends at the time, and  any chance of a relationship with my Dad and a large part of my family. After telling my Dad in order to have a relationship with me, he has to accept me as me, and not to pressure me, this was his reply “You protect yourself. Sorry. I have two daughters already. Dont need other fake one. If thats how you feel then its goodbye. I have not time for misconceptions of personality. Faggott”

And that will be the last thing I’ll ever hear from him (especially after all the damage he did BEFORE that (as my Nan and them he abandoned me to social services (literally, when I was 7/8))

And I only bring this up, as I know that many people will be easily be able to relate to Vicky’s story and relate to similar experiences in their own lives. Especially those who are a part of the Church, but even those beyond can read this, and know that they are not alone in their struggles, and it is good, healthy and right to talk about them, and to accept, and love who you are. Which can be a long process but it will be worth it and better in the end.

One thing I was constantly thinking whilst reading Undivided was that this book is going to make waves, and have a huge impact, and is part of the groundwork, that Vicky, and others are essentially working towards. Which is a major shift in Theology. Which I’m excited about, especially as it is a field I want to one day enter into myself (academically). And in this divide between the Church and the LGBTQ+ community can and hopefully will, be broken.

Also, I think another thing Undivided captures, in essence, is how painful and stifling to both Individuals, and the Church as a whole, the drive to conform to beliefs and tradition, without and open mind or heart. As by doing so, you don’t allow God to come in, break, and remake you, which is an essential part of being a Christian. Not to be rigid in your beliefs, as that is something that causes experiences that Vicky has described in her book.

But more importantly I strongly believe in by being so rigid, and inflexible to change, you are shutting off the great potential God has for you, and in this you are shutting off the flow of his love and grace, which often flows through you and into those around you. And therefore, being rigid can help to suffocate a church, and lead it astray from the calling God has for you and the church you are a part of.

The most important message which I took from the book (which I’m not exactly sure was fully intended) goes beyond what the church needs to do, but what the Church and society needs to do. Especially in this day and age.  This is to become “Undivided” to look past our own preconceptions, our fears, our ignorance, pride, or whatever else it could be that can stop you from seeing, instead of the label of what makes them different to you, to see the person that stands in front of you, with the same wants and needs we all have, as we are all Human.

But in order to be able to get to the point where we can do this, we need to find a place where we are, in Vicky’s words,

“Freed from shame and fear, we are finally able to live, and love, from a place of wholeness. We find peace. We become complete. We become people who we are, at our deepest core, undivided”. If we can make the steps to do this individually in our own lives, then hopefully, person by person, it idea, will not just be something for own individual lives, which is crucial. But hopefully can be transferred to something we can do to help transform out society so it too can be undivided.

I know that this may be a strange way to write and go about a book review (as it wasnt exactly a review, but meh). However this is what I got from, an amazing, and inspiring book, from a person I admire greatly, from her old music career to her coming out story, and now this book, and someone I look forward to seeing what they have in store for the future in Theology.

And I just wanted to write and share, what I got most of all (which is only scratching the surface) and most of all, I encourage you to go on amazon, or see if “Undivided” is in your local book store, and pick up a copy and read it, whether you are a Christian or not. As I strongly believe that the book, and Vicky’s story is well worth reading as there is so much you can take away from this brilliant book. And I just can’t recommend it enough, it’s just amazing.

And I just want to thank Vicky for being strong, courageous and willing to share her story, for us all to draw from. Which is why i believe that sharing personal stories like this, in and out of Church, is becoming more and more important, as even just having this conversation, and these stories being out is helping to erode the barriers which have been up for far too long.

Thanks again to Vicky for her book, and I recommend you all to pick up a copy and read it for yourselves, it is something you definitely wont regret doing.

Hope you have found this post somewhat interesting. (and really doesn’t reflect how good the book is)

Hugs to all,

Natalie Xxxx

Emotion v Head on my freindships

Why do I always find myself in a position of most of my friends (especially the ones closest to me; in terms of distance) are always just so busy? I go through spats of seeing people regularly, then things just fall off a cliff, and I find it difficult to even hear from them as they say they just haven’t had the time.

The worst thing about this, is that all of them have other people they can could rely on if needed and have options for support (especially their families) and have a support network. I don’t have such a thing, just a limited number of friends, where even a small conversation through a phone is hard to get, that when it happens it feels like a victory.

Everyone keeps telling me, to get help, or to do things, like volunteering. But I’m already TRYING to get help, it’s just taking ages to make progress there (and I have suspicions that somewhere it might have been messed up, accidentally or not, I don’t know). And in terms of getting out there and doing more. If I felt in a position where I was fucking able to, I bloody well would be! But I’m not, and when people do say that, I just feel frustrated, with myself and my situation, about the fact that at the moment, I’m not able to do this. So, I just feel trapped in my own fear and anxiety and no way of knowing how to escape it. Which is why I’m pushing as much as I can to get professional help.

Also, I should note, that when I do want contact, especially talking, and trying to meet up with friends. It isn’t about trying to have them as anything but a friend, that I want to enjoy conversations with (though due to difficulties in getting in touch and their short time its really hard to do, so they tend to be more updating each other than a conversation) and when I meet up with them, just to hang out, and have fun, and honestly distract myself from things which have been going on, which would be easier if I saw people more often, it would just be catching things up with them, then times up, and go separate way. (and more often would be ideally one a week, or once a fortnight, for each individual friend, and preferably on different days to another)

But this just doesn’t seem to be possible.

So, most of the time I just feel lonely, and frustrated etc when alone in my flat. And that is being made harder by my neighbour shouting abuse through the floor for minor things. But that isn’t the point of this post.

 Really do love and appreciate the friends I have, I just find it frustrating at times as I honestly feel like they think that I’m not worth much of their time, and that’s why I barely hear, let alone see people. It doesn’t help that one friend I haven’t seen for almost 4 months now.

I do understand that (and generally even why) my friends are busy, and everyone has their own lives and own problems. But Its getting to the point where I think largely (with a couple of exceptions) I feel like I’m just being left behind by people, and that’s one of the reasons I struggle with it so much. Not because I barely see or hear from people.

But it’s my thoughts and anxieties and past events intensifying said thoughts and anxieties (like they don’t care about me or they have forgotten about me etc etc) Which leads to more attempts to contact them, but I’m also afraid that might push people away, and this all plays into deep routed fears I have from past traumatic events, which is honestly makes finding a resolution harder and things are already clouded to much by what’s been mentioned above.

So, I’m not sure what can, if anything can be done, and I want people to speak and see me because they want to. But at the same time, so little social contact with people is just making my anxieties etc worse. And at the lest I could use more just as a distraction, and enjoy their company, conversation and friendship. Rather than just feel like a burden on people, and the lack of contact just at large making me feel even more depressed, anxious, and worthless than I already feel. Which is why I try to make progress with this, however seem to be failing.

Also, please don’t take this as commenting on that I’m annoyed at my friends or that I’m trying to call them out or be negative about it (as that is the last thing I’d want to do). I mentioned certain things, not to call them out, but to help explain how it effects my thoughts and emotions in the way that it does. As this post isn’t about that, but is about how their (understandable, business; although collectively increasing) is affecting myself and therefore how that is in turn effecting my actions.

I’m not happy with how it effects my actions, so I wrote this to partially vent, but also explain this to my friends etc, so they can hopefully gain more of an insight into why I behave as I do (which also gets worse/more intense then I am more anxious and depressed) I’m not sure I’ve done it all that well, but it’s the best I can do atm, and needed to get this out now tbh. As it was bothering me too much at the time of writing this, that I needed to get it out of my head, and into the open. I do honestly wish this was different And that my freinds were less busy, or more importaintly, i was in a better position to handle the much less contact I'm receiving (and will likely continue and worsen) nowdays. 

Sorry for another depressing rant, but this is just an inner battle that is fighting in me (one of them) and I’m getting more and more worried that it might cause something that will make things worse, and I want to try to prevent that, and I’m hoping that this, in one way or another, helps.

Massive hugs to all

Natalie Xxx

The day my life went dark

I have mentioned this in various forms and places, but this is the most accurate and descriptive version I ever have and likely ever will write, and it is about the day I went into care (Which i wrote for a creative writing group).

Many years ago, when I was a small child, and still living with my Dad, and Nan, and at the time, I wasn’t aware that it would soon come to an end.

In January 2001 I believe (I cannot recall exactly it may have been 2000), on an overcast Friday afternoon (typical of the time of year), school has just ended, and I was exited for the weekend, although I loved school, and had some friends, I was still bullied. So, I was looking forward to not having to deal with the bullies, and just spend time with my family, especially my Dad.

I remember my Nan walking myself (and my little brother I think, my memory of the time is a little hazy on some details) home, which was at the top of a tall block of flats. The flat had a beautiful view over the City of Birmingham (or so I used to think at the time, especially on one occasion, where it was just me and Dad one New Year’s Eve, as I went back in there from my Aunts, next door, as it was dark and I wanted to watch the fireworks, so my Dad decided to join me, and this of all the memories of my Dad I have, is my favourite)

But I digress, as the day I am recounting is unfortunately not a happy one, far from it, it was honestly the worst day of my life.

So, when we finally got home from school, I remember my Dad in the kitchen and a pot of Chicken curry on the stove, which after a long day at school, and my love of curry, I was looking forward to eating it (although for some reason, my Dad does not remember this, but it isn’t something I’m likely to forget). However, just 10 minutes into being back in, having only just having my coat and shores off, I was being told to put them back on, as my Nan was telling me, and my younger brother and sister to put them on, as she shouted to Dad “Tony, I’m taking the kids for a walk” which I don’t remember hearing a reply to, and quickly after this we were shooed out the flat, and down the stairs.

The “walk” was a very short one, which taken us across a very busy main road (near the old Rover factory in Birmingham) to the Social Services building across the road (although I didn’t know what the building was, and barely noticed it before that day, but not it isn’t a place which I’m likely to forget).

Once we had reach the paved area outside of the Social services office, my Nan quickly walked ahead of us, looking back this was odd behaviour for her, and she did seem more anxious and stressed than usual, but at the time I did not pick up on it, at least not consciously.

When she got to the door of the building, (she told us to stay back a bit) she spoke into a strange shiny metal box, which I thought was curious, although now I know it is an intercom system, I didn’t know this at the time.

What she spoke into the is something that did not stick in my mind, so I can’t recount this. However, the next part I recall perfectly, and will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Once Nan spoke into the intercom, she walked past us, and quickly turned around and shouted to “Stay there, and don’t follow me” as she then turned around and walked back across the road, as she shouted again, “Don’t follow me”. It taken a few moments, after the shock of it before I just burst into tears, not knowing what was happening at the time, but I could tell it wasn’t right, it wasn’t normal, and I was confused, terrified, and deeply, deeply upset and hurt by what Nan had just did and said. Of course, I didn’t know all of this fully at the time, it’s taken a lot of time to figure out.

All that 7/8-year-old you me knew, was that nothing was right.

As I stood their crying, I remember that my brother and sister was just standing there, not sure what to do, but noticeably not in tears. But obviously not knowing what was occurring, and neither did I at the time, not really.

But now I do know, this is how my Nan, one of the people I love, trusted and cared about most in the world, broke my heart, and ability to ever fully trust, not even myself, abandoned us on the doorsteps of Social services, this. This moment, is where my childhood died.

So, we were left standing outside the social services building, next to a busy road, on a Friday afternoon, where anything could’ve happened before we were admitted into the building, which seemed like an eternity. But I think was about 10-15 minutes, to meet our fate.

Once we had been admitted into the building, the social workers lead us to a room at the back which the obviously had set up for Children, although at the time of entering the hallway outside the room, I looked in their as little as possible, as I chose to sit with my back against the wall, staring down the (at least to a young child in that state) the long hallway, which grew ever darker, and refusing to join my brother and sister, despite the efforts of the social workers, all the while I was still crying, and wanting one thing, and one thing only. And this was my Dad.

So, for at least a couple of hours I just sat there, alone, In the hallway, crying, until finally my Dad, came, for the first time since we were abandoned there, I felt some hope, a spark of happiness.

So, for about 15 mins (all the time social services would allow; again my Dad didn’t remember this either oddly, but I cannot forget this moment) my Dad was reassuring me, telling me everything was going to be ok, and that he would take care of, which I thought he would, and that we would be home soon. But then soon enough a social worker called Dad away, and I was again left watching the person I loved most out of all my family at the time, who I trusted the most, walk away, at the social and this one, cut an already wide open, deep and fresh wound, into an even wider and deeper fresher wound, which has never fully healed.

Watching my Nan walk away was one thing, but my Dad, that killed the spark of hope, the glimmer of happiness seeing him leave, as I somehow knew, despite my Dad, even when leaving, was saying, “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it” I knew, I just knew he wouldn’t.

So, I was just left sitting there, the worst I’ve ever felt, broken, and felt all alone, as my whole world had fallen apart. So, as I watched Dad walk away my short reprieve from my tear flow, had ended, and they poured out again, for at least 20 mins after he left.

Then I noticed for the first time there, my brother and sister I the room next to where I was sitting. For the first while when there I noticed that they were laughing and playing. In that moment, not consciously (otherwise I would never have done it) to protect them and myself, I cut off the events from the emotions, and just ignored the emotions that came from that, for such a long time (until 2008 when my depression broke that wall down, in a period where my life had settled down for a bit, the depression hit, and upturned it, but that’s another story).

So that night, I pushed away the emotions I was too young, and too unable to cope with those emotions (and most of the main emotional difficulties since), I just pushed them aside, locked deep inside, until they burst out on their own.

But I did this, (pushed my emotions aside) I realised later, to first help myself be able to somewhat deal with what was in front of me. But more importantly, as I am the eldest of us all there, in my subconscious, I realised I needed to at least appear strong for them, and I couldn’t do that and have my emotions present. So that was replaced with a deep dullness, just so I could manage. To get by. Which worked to a point. But in hindsight wasn’t the healthiest thing to do, but honestly, I’m not sure what could have been done differently, that would have allowed me to make it as far as I did with as minimal impact to day to day life to what I did. But it wasn’t easy, and was still a fight, but it was made easier by just dealing with the events.

Anyway, I was side tracked again. So, in this new state, I went to join my siblings, and at this point the social workers got dinner for us all (including them, and they actually ate with us, I think they knew that this wasn’t easy for us, and needed this, although they were also busy trying to find us a place to stay temporally). I remember that the food was Fish, Chips, and Curry Sauce, which is probably why, that although I can and will eat it, it isn’t exactly a dish I’m overly fond of now.

After this the social workers found us a place to stay, a place obviously set up for this type of situation, which has no warmth or character. But was a bed to sleep in. And that night I resigned myself to the fact that life wouldn’t be the same again, just little did I know, that at least for myself, that this was just the beginning of the long struggle that lay ahead, but of course I didn’t know how things would go, so after the traumatic events of that evening, I fell into a dreamless sleep, and so has every sleep been since.

And there ends the darkest moment of my life.

Hugs to all
Natalie Xxx

The Church and the problem of "Sin"

One thing I have observed, which is weighing on my mind more and more each day, is how far the Church, as a whole, has blinded itself. Not just to the world, which is harmful enough, but more importantly how the Church is blinding itself to God. I do not say this lightly, and I do not use “Church” to describe the true universal Church, but the Institutionalised from the Church has become on earth.

So How is the Church blinding itself to God you might ask? Which I myself might have asked in my youth. The answer is surprisingly clear, it is how the different forms of Church across the world, focuses, no, Fixates on one focus, one word from the bible, to justify discrimination, bigotry, hate, and so much more. This word is simple, but complex, the word is Sin.

The word “Sin” from the Hebrew origins, simply means “To miss the mark”, which in a focus of faith, and our walk with God, in simple terms means to just fall out of step with God, and his plan for us. But from this simple truth, we, the Church, has distorted it to essentially discriminate all who think differently to us. Thankfully the Church in the UK is slowly moving in the right direction on this, but we have a long, long way to go to be where God wants his Church, not just in the UK, but across the world to be.

The best example I can think of to show how the Church has used this to turn from God and became trapped in the trappings of Sin to realise that the Church in how it misses the mark in its walk in God, is the treatment of the LGBTQ+ community across the world, this is especially the case with those who just identify as Homosexual, or Transgender (I am at least the latter as a Transgender Woman). Across the world, people in the Church take issue with at least one of these groups. Based on their belief that by just being who they are, who God made them to be, that they are living in “Sin” as they believe.

This is wrong in so many ways, but most of all, the worst possible thing, is the people in the church who hold to this view assume to position of Judge, Jury, and Executioner, which completely stands in the face of the principle in our faith that only God and God alone can judge if we are living in “Sin”.

In this those who claim to be doing this to the LGBTQ+ communities, as they claim the way they live them attacks their religious beliefs, so shun them, discriminate, and perform hate crimes against, are ignoring the very principle that Jesus Christ lain his life down for us for. Which is ALL are to be loved and welcomed into Gods graces, as who they are. Not what those who object to the LGBTQ+ community expect everyone to be and conform to.

Most importantly is, not just what I have mentioned above, but something else, which demonstrates how they have fallen into the trappings of Sin in their hatred of things which don’t conform to their world view and idea of faith and reject all those who differ from it. They ignore these passages from Matthew Chapter 22 36-40 (NIV)

““Teacher, what is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it “LOVE your NEIGHBOUR as yourself” All the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments” “

As you can see, although I cannot vouch for the hearts of those who hold to the way of thinking that those who are LGBTQ+ live in Sin and deserve to be shunned and outcast. I can say this, those same people who shun these people due to it “being in conflict with their religious beliefs” have missed the point of what it means to be a Christian, and directly contradicts the two commandments which Jesus spoke about in Matthew, as is mentioned above.

Due to this, arguably, they miss the whole point of what our faith is about, what our Church is built on. Not the discrimination, hatred, belittling of others based on whether they believe someone is in Sin or not.

Our faith in its pure form, is about Love, the love in our relationship with us and God, which then spreads into the transforming love from God, which flows from us in our relationship with Him.

It is not about whether we conform to what out church expects us to be, or how many we try to “correct” from their life of so called “Sin”. But it IS about how much love, compassion, and God grace we pass on and show to others, and how inclusive, loving and accepting we are of all.

Our faith is not strictly confined in what we find in the pages of the bible, as the bible is only a guide to our faith, and something to draw inspiration from God from. But out faith is so much bigger and defies the constraints of the Bible which was written a long time ago, by the hand of man, which yes may have been inspired by God, but it is still written by man.

So our faith has to outstrip the confines of the Bible, as God’s essence and abilities, standards and tools, cannot be confined purely but the Bible.

Our faith and relationship with God, is only confined by our own ability to love ourselves, but more importantly God, and our ability to love and accept others no matter what, just as God has done for us, when Jesus dies for us on that Cross 2000 or so years ago.

Another trapping of Sin we have as a Church, isn’t just how we treat others as outlined. But also, our fixation on eternal punishment and rewards for either following God or not.

But in my reading of what scripture says, especially in revelation, but also just the whole of the Bible, is that life isn’t about punishment or reward. As if it was, why would God have sent his son to die for us ALL?

It’s because it isn’t about that. Life is a simple choice. It is where we Choose to have that relationship with God, by our own free will, without pressure, without strings, to dive into the relationship with God, and the eternal love he has for is. Which is why I believe, that our God does offer us eternal life, not as a reward for following him. But as a result of how much he loves us, God loves us so much he wants us to be with him, as we love him, and he loves us, for eternity, as that is the Power of Gods love for us, and this is what I believe the Riches God promises to us are, not vague treasure in New Jerusalem described in revelations, but to share in the deep love of God, and our relationship with him THAT is our reward, and it is more than we need.

And because of this, I cannot simply believe that God would just idly sit by and watch people he loves and cares for so deeply, suffer for eternity in “Hell” as so many Christians believe and spout.

As the bible does not speak of a God that is so full of hate, that he would let those he created, those he loves to suffer for eternity. But he offers them a choice, life, in a relationship in him to share in his love forevermore. Or to simply not. Those who do not choose God, he honours their wish, by giving them a true death, where they are no longer in creation, they become nothing. As where in Gods creation can Gods love not reach? That would be nowhere. As Gods love flows through all of creation.

So, the second death described in revelation, is not an eternal punishment as many believe. But is just God granting the wishes of those who have chosen to reject him.

So, the framing that the “Sinful” shall burn forever in hell unless they repent is another, and massively harmful rhetoric of the Church. And unless we fall out of this trapping collectively, and the ones already mentioned, all we will do is just further and further be a divisive force in the world and destructive. As the message of the church should NEVER be one of hate, but one of love, ALWAYS of Love.

Also, we must be ready to admit, that we, as Christians, do not know everything and do get things wrong. That is ok, and honestly, will gain us much more respect, understanding and patience of those who are not yet ready to believe. As we are only human after all, and due to this we do not, and more importantly cannot know everything. And to fall into this is yet another trapping of sin we must fight against. Yes, we can tell people what we believe to be the case, but we cannot objectively state it as fact, and we must be able to admit we may be wrong in something, and in this we can humble ourselves before other and God, and in this God can share more of the truth through us.

Also, we must remember that we are only meant to share our beliefs with others and pray for God to do the rest. It is not our job to give life to the seeds God wants us to plant in others, as only God knows how, if and when the right time for him to grow those seeds in others. We are just his sowers.

So, pray that we, as individuals, and as a body, the Church can escape the trappings of Sin, and find our place on our walk with God, so we may follow him, and trust in the love that God has for us and the path he has placed in front of us. And that we can eradicate the hate that comes from the Church and replace is with a love so powerful, it can, has and will continue to shape the world into the world God wants it to be. Through Gods love, all of us are saved, and it is only through love, not hate we can draw more people to know of the love that God has for us, and to truly live the life God has planned for us. 

The way to fight against hate and hurt, is never about fighting back with more hate and hurtful behaviour that pushes away those who would come to the church in need, but the way to fight it is in the love which we find in God.

So, pray that we, the church can find this love again and live in it, and let Gods love work through us, and in this we can escape the trappings of sin, and to live in love which God has given to all!

Also pray that we can humble ourselves, admit we are not always right in what we believe, before others and before God, be ready for God to work in us and through is in this, and that in this we can more effectively sow the seeds that might one day grow into faith.

And finally pray that we do not focus on what we can get from out faith, or what punishments we might face, as this is not what is important, but to focus and live in the love and life which God grants us, and think of that as our reward, and how we can share this reward with as many people as God places in our path to do so.

I hope that in some way this has been helpful to you, and feel free to comment on this post with questions or anything you wish to say (which is not hateful) and I will do my best to reply.

May God bless and protect and share his love with you all.

Blessing and love

Natalie

Xxx

Fleeting Hope

Life all around me flow,
Leaving me behind,
To watch the currents flow,
And wallow in my patch of darkness.

Seeing posts of peoples happiness,
Happiness, accomplishments and just good times,
Whilst often being happy for them,
Also tears me up inside.

Thoughts of my own failings,
Failings, fears and loneliness dwell,
Along side much, much more,
Escape from it all I cannot do.

Fleeing is no option either,
As the pain lies deep within,
Then what can I do?
To soothe the wounds within?

That I do not know,
Nor do I know,
Why, oh why.
Do I drive so many away?

Both of those questions,
And one more (that I cannot tell)
Lay deep on my heart today,
Like an all consuming fire in my mind.

All the time my mood,
Mood only fluctuates from,
Being not so great to,
To being torn up inside,
With only the rarest gleams of hope.

However the hope, and happiness,
Are often to fleeting to grasp,
So whilst I’m waiting for the help I seek,
All my strength is fighting the battles within.

But that strength is failing,
So only time will tell which,
Which will win out,
But from where I stand now,
I cannot tell.

Nor can I tell what failure might,
Might resemble.
So I fear, fear I may be trapped,
Trapped in this battle,
Battle without end.

But I hope that an end will come,
And that my loneliness lifts,
My depression fades,
And old wounds heal,

But until that day,
Forever trapped,
With little yet crucial help,
From those I hold dear,
I just hope it is enough.

So now all I can do,
Is wait and wait,
With my pain,
With my loneliness,
With my past,

Until the day,
That one way or another,
It all fades away,
All I hope, is that hope wins out

Written by

Natalie xxx

What’s always on my mind of late (beyond the usual)

Ok so welcome to another blog where I rant about how life is right now. So if this doesn’t interest you then feel free to click off this post.

Since the beg  of this year there has been 4 main things which have been on my mind constantly, all switching between who has the most air time, but all are on my mind in different amounts. Some of my friends already know this and I’ve talked about it to an extent with them.

These four things are (I’ll expand on them as we go along) the worst day of my life and how what happened then became my worst fear and how that effects my life now. The second is the constant worry and questioning if there is something wrong with me? The third is one of the confusing and misleading or disingenuous people I’ve known, for whatever their reasons might’ve been (I still don’t know that).
And the final one is something I’m honestly worried about putting into the blog but it does tie into the other things, but is it’s own thing as well, where I’ve started developing unwelcome feelings for someone which is causing massive conflict and tension in my head, also it’s all for nothing as I cannot and will not ever tell this person as honestly, it’s causing to much conflict in me, they mean to much as a friend, amongst other things which I cannot and will not go into here.
And this is on top on my depression and anxiety which is a constant undercurrent.

So the first of these is my worst fear, which is my fear of abandonment, which honestly I’d be surprised if that shocked anyone, especially those who know me, as I know first hand what that feels like (and many types) especially when it ties to the worst day of my life (not that I would change that as despite how things have been since, knowing what my dad is like now. I think we dodged a bullet, but hat doesn’t erase past hurts), it was when I was abandoned to social services (mentioned in my life story post) by my Nan and My dad on the same day (ok my dad left us there after a quick visit (which he didn’t remember) but I didn’t know he was prevented from taking us back at the time, only found that out later)

This experience is a major player in my relationships with people now, especially in how they form and that, no matter what, there will always be an in build insecurity in any friendship etc I will have and currently have due to that, hopefully in time I’ll learn to manage it better but for now I just can’t.
So for now this effect me. And makes it very difficult to trust people, and make me constantly afraid of people abandoning friendships for whatever reason (which has happened and it never gets easier and often just adds to the fear) and this ties right into the next thing that plays on my mind.

Due to so many friendships etc failing for often confusing, unknown or just unfortunate circumstances, and just how difficult I find it to make friends (and those I do make all seem to be similar to me in different ways, which isn’t necessarily a good thing tbh) and I constantly live in fear of driving them away from messaging too much, saying something or just doing something that might (unknowing to me) drive them away and make them withdraw before ending the friendship or just suddenly stopping. And with every disappointment and further abandonment (especially when it’s by someone I consider one of my close friends, as I don’t have many of those) it make it even harder to overcome my depression, anxiety and fear to go and meet others and try new things. To safeguard myself, as it’s just rubbing salt in a deep wound which has never healed, and that with other insecurities I have about myself, it’s just a massive struggle.
And due to my insecurities (especially when it come to how insecure I am about my current state of transition (and can’t wait until I have fully transition)) amongst other things), and honestly how often this has occurred, I wonder is there something fundamentally wrong with me which eventually drives people away? As if there is I don’t have a clue what it would be and wish someone would give insight  there , and if there isn’t then why the fucking hell does it keep happening? I’m sick and tired of it all. But I can’t do a thing about it.

The third thing always playing on my mind is one of those closest to me who suddenly and abruptly just ended the relationship that we were in and just went bitter and horrible (long distance) and that isn’t something I can explain and something that now they apparently don’t remember now. And it didn’t have a trigger I can remember, and honestly someone I was massively falling hard for and I thought they were too, but obviously they wasn’t. And if they were playing me then it was cruel, but it isn’t something I’ll ever find out the reasons behind what happened etc. But it has been on my mind a lot recently, which I honestly hate myself for, but what I hate most is despite the fact even if I ever had the chance of another relationship with them I’ll never take it, I do have a certain soft spot for them, which I think shows that I really do have an inability to let things go especially that which I once or still care about.
But yeah I hate that it’s been on my mind a lot, but once they were important to me. Like many others (in different ways) that I’ve been close to and then abandoned me (for various reasons across the board) and it has just been tying into all the other things.

Now the one I’m not even sure how to approach as it isn’t something I want to give much away about as I don’t want to tip off the person as I don’t want them to know. As despite how I feel. It is something I’m conflicted by and as I said there are other reasons so just can’t go into. And it isn’t someone I thought it would happen with, for many reasons and someone I definitely shouldn’t have, and that is something I hate and it adds to the conflict. And it isn’t something that even if the feelings did continue, (as they have been slowly growing for a while now until they hit this point and started major conflict) and I talked to them about it, I definitely don’t see this person being interested (especially in me, I’m not exactly great girlfriend material). And there could be a lot of problems. But this is going down a path I don’t want to think about as, I’m never going to to tell them, a honestly I value them too much as a friend, I don’t want to put them in an awkward situation most of all, and I don’t want to loose their friendship, and I can’t afford to loose another friend. So my thoughts and feelings about this person isn’t something I want to talk to the person about for the reasons already mentioned, despite  how much I care about them (and even when I get short messages from them, it often even just slightly, lifts my mood just a bit (which is a difficult task atm)) I cant tell them as it’s just to complicated, messy, inappropriate and as I said, their not a friend that I would risk losing. Ever.

So that’s what’s been on my mind constantly for the first half of the year so far.
Also a weird thing happened whilst writing the above paragraph, I was listening to a Spotify playing which includes a person I’ve been wanting to listen to atm, but you know how those playlists work, so a random song came up “absolutely simitten” by Dodie came up. Which I just thought was awkward but also a really weird coincidence considering what I was writing about.

But on a positive note, I have been maki steps to get help with both my mental health and transition (although it’s taking a long time) and this blog was just a way to get the thoughts outfits my head, even if it’s just on paper as it, even just momentarily helps.
Also I am also making plans for later this year to spend 4 nights in London and seeing the Harry Potter studio tour (hopefully with some friends) which I’m looking forward to, and the planning of that and just planning things. Especially trips in general is one of my main coping mechanisms atm as it means I’m not focusing on now.
Also one thing I hate is when people tell me how strong I am, as honestly I don’t feel strong, I feel low, weak and exhausted with no idea how to get out of this long dark tunnel I’m in, as I can’t right now see an end in sight.

But one thing I would not do is to give in. As the only option for that I would never take, as it would effect those I care about too much, and honestly I’m just to stubborn to let this ultimately defeat me. At the moment it has the upper hand yes. But it won’t forever (even if it doesn’t feel like it, even as I’m writing this, where I’m doing all I can not to break down in tears as if I do, I won’t be able to finish the post)
And I will get out of it, and achieve my life goals, just later than planned.

Also another note, to those reading this who I know, if I send you messages of “hey how are you?” (And various ways of) I’m doing so as a way of reaching out, which honestly is my something I find easy. And often goes against my instincts, like writing this blog post does, j do so as it is something I feel the need to do, even if I haven’t spoken to you in a while, it is something I’m doing in the hope of having a conversation to just take my mind of things just for a little bit.
And I’m not saying that I want to be free to engage in this all the time, but one thing I do ask is if your not wanting to talk please don’t ignore me, as often that makes me feel worse and plays into some of the things I’ve mentioned here today. And I’m not saying this to make people feel guilty just to help them understand. And all I ask if your not wanting to or unable to talk, just send a message to say so, if understand that a lot more than just being ignored and whatnot. But yeah that’s what I’d ask, also if I take ages to reply, it isn’t because I’m ignoring you, it could be that I forgot you sent a reply, or that I’m not upto reply at the time due to my mental health but I will when I can (Also if your similar and want to be in contact then let me know as then that is something I’d understand. Especially compared to being ignored)

Anyways sorry for the depressing tone to this and perhaps accusing tone at the end, which I must stress isn’t intend  but just occurred to be that it would be taken that way. And if you do I’m sorry and it was not my intention.

Anyways feel free to comment on this post and interact with it here. Or in other ways if you have  the means to do so.

I hope you are all well, and hopefully my next blog will be lest rantish, and more positive, or at the least we sooner than this was to the last one (the next post might be a poem if I can)

Until next time,

Massive hugs to all,

Natalie xxxxx

Thoughts and Reflections

This past year for me has been really difficult, for various reasons I’m about to go into. I’ve also had this constant struggle battling to just keep my head above the water. To keep myself from drowning, but honestly, I feel like I’m failing.

Yes, there has been good points this year which I massively appreciate. Such as the amazing holiday in Kos with one of my closest friends. And then just the support I have had from my friends overall, I have really appreciated. Despite having some frustration with certain things which ill cover later in this post.

The purpose of writing this, is to help me to explain above all, to myself, and those who care to read this, certain things I’m feeling and to try to better understand how I’ve been affected by things. It may come across as massively self-centred, and ungrateful, but that is not my intent.

Recently, over and over one of my biggest fears have been playing on my mind, and has been making me even more self-conscience and anxious than normal. And that is of being alone, in many ways. But the main one is that I’ll be abandoned by all of my current friends, or even just some of them, as right now, I’m not sure that is something I could cope with. Honestly, I’m barely coping with things as they stand. But if I end up driving another friend away due to not knowing how to handle my anxiety and depression (which doesn’t just affect my social life, but all aspects) then that would set off a dangerous chain reaction. Especially as in the past few years I’ve already lost so, so many people I cared about a lot, including some people I have considered to be my closest friends.

I think that because of this I have placed a high value on trying (and seeming, to me, failing) at keeping the friends I have, and trying to maintain, and see as many friends as I can regularly. But that hasn’t worked, due to various reasons, so I go from periods where I see different friends 3-4 days of a week, then I could have gaps of almost three weeks, with barely any contact with anyone, and that’s just through messages, let alone meeting up with people.

And I place a value on that, as yes, I have lost a lot of close people the last few years, but also as I just need to have regular meet ups with friends, just to keep my head above water whilst I wait for professional help. And to just help me my giving me a distraction and to bring some stability in my life that doesn’t depend on me spend most of my waking moments staring at a screen just hoping that someone messages or texts me.

Some have suggested to go to different things and to meet new people. But that just isn’t something I feel capable of, mostly down to my anxiety. But also, that I’m afraid of meeting new people that could potentially end up walking away from me, like so many other friends, and Family members. I just can’t make myself meet new people to make myself vulnerable to them, especially as I can’t even do that properly with myself, let alone my current friends, as I’m both afraid to be, and I’ve shut myself away for so long, I just don’t know how, things are slowly coming out, but even then, it takes time before I can understand things, let alone admit them to myself, and others.

Which I think is one of the reasons it taken me so long to come out as Natalie, as myself.

So, I’ve been juggling finding myself as Natalie (which is becoming increasingly difficult as I haven’t exactly been able to experiment as much as I’d like, especially with stuff like clothing, where I’m barely able to afford to replace clothes I have which are way beyond use, let alone expand on what I have), trying to organise professional help, my finances and just my life in general. Along with trying to deal with my mental heath in such a way that it doesn’t burden my friends too much (although it does, massively which I hate, especially with my constant complaining, low moods, poor hygiene, not keeping my flat great so I can’t invite people over, which might make things easier ect ect.) Also then there is trying to keep some regular social life which I’m able to cope with and handle, and that others aren’t to busy for (which has been a failure, with a mixture of my depression and then people just being to busy to regularly meet (even just on a weekly basis, some can but most can’t)).

Trying to juggle all of this is something which I feel like I’m drowning in, like I’m failing, myself and my friends. And I’m afraid that Ill be abandoned once again, like I have been by so many people, including my Nan, my Dad (3 times, most recently this year), and countless friends, which I constantly think about and miss, especially two particular ones (for different reasons) which is pointless, but something that I can’t help. I can’t control it. But all of this as a whole is really affecting things right now. And it just isn’t something I know how to deal with. Especially as, no matter how much I think otherwise, I’m just not over being abandoned by them all. With 4 that affect me the most.  The 4 people which were the closest to me, and that I cared the most about.

So what I do most of the time, as I just don’t know how to deal with is, is shut myself off, just so I can survive, and just barely deal with things, barely even function, and not letting myself, or anyone else, get close to me, to even some of my middling emotions most of the time, let alone my deepest ones. Which I don’t even trust myself with, obviously, so as I’m going through the motions, I’m not living, I’m barely surviving, frozen, not knowing what to do, as if I’m trapped. Which doesn’t just sum up this year, but probably my life since I was abandoned to the Care system when I was 7/8 ish.

That doesn’t mean that I’m not grateful for the friends, support and things I have right now, as I am. But that doesn’t still mean that I’m not lost in myself.

Anyways sorry for how dark this is, I just needed to work through this (and its barely scratched the surface) and just write it down.

I hope everyone is well.

Natalie xx