The Dams Breaking

Tears stream down my face,

A symptom of the pain within,

And a sign that the dam,

Dam holding emotions tide,

The dam is starting to break.

Every move forward I take,

Seems to come with three steps back,

With the struggle,

Against my pain, against my past,

Grows harder and harder each day.

All I want is for this pain,

This pain to end, and the tears to stop,

And to let myself truly feel again.

But don’t yet see the light at the,

The end of the tunnel yet.

As hard as I try,

I cannot hold back the tide,

And every day the pain grows more,

Pain over lack of progress,

In both mental health,

And my transition,

Every day without progress,

The pain grows ever stronger,

And the weaker I become

I really need a break,

Break from the pain,

From my thoughts,

Yet rest-bite, seems,

Seems just out of my reach

Right now,

I’m fighting against,

Against causing more pain for myself,

And the crushing weight of my emotional burdens,

Squarely on my chest.

And I don’t know how to appease It,

Although I’ve carried it for so long now

The long fight has left me,

Left me drained, and exhausted,

I’m running on fumes,

And with nowhere to refuel in sight.

And I’m just here, wondering,

Why do I even bother at all?

                                                   

The last thing I want to do is give in,

Yet, what I can do I do not know,

My past, present and future,

All in different ways,

Frighten me.

So now I just wait and see,

Which will come first,

The bursting of the dam,

Or the progress I so desperately,

Desperately want and need?

Faith, Friends, and the Long Road.

My life has not been easy,

The path has not been clear,

Neither does my future,

Future look to be.

Consistency was but,

But a distant dream,

On a path filled with pain,

On a path filled with obstacles.

Obstacles with no end in sight.

One thing that has remained,

Remained through,

Through, Abandonment,

Depression, Loneliness, Grief

Hopelessness, Desperation,

And many other things,

Is my faith in God,

Although that faith has,

Has waxed and waned.

Over the years,

It has always been,

And still remains,

Ever present.

Even now,

When fighting back tears,

When holding in crushing pain,

When feeling lonely and afraid,

When feeling hopelessness

And many more things,

Even now,

in all of this,

My faith still remains.

Without my faith,

And without the,

The few friends I have,

I’m not sure where,

Where I would be right now,

Although I fear,

Fear it would be tragic.

My faith and friends,

Despite my faith being weak,

And my support little.

These things,

Are the reason I fight,

The reason I press forward,

Not wanting to give up,

Give up on my friends,

Give up on my faith,

Or Give up on Myself.

Although giving up on myself,

That is the hardest reason,

Reason to fight for.

Especially with the,

The hopelessness that surrounds.

But because of my friends,

And because of my faith,

I cannot give up,

Although I often wish,

Wish giving up was,

Was something I could do,

I must keep going.

As my friends,

And my faith,

Are not just things I,

I continue this fight for,

But are also a part,

Part of myself,

And makes up part of,

Of who I am.

The impact they have,

The waves they cause,

Reaches further than,

Than they can see.

Despite myself,

Often feeling hollow,

Empty, yet full of torment,

Despite this,

And the hopelessness around,

In my friends,

And in my faith is a glimmer,

Glimmer of hope.

And that is what carries me forward.

The Road has and will be long,

Long and hard,

More so than I,

I can put into words,

Especially in this,

A humble Poem.

But in the end,

My faith in my friends,

And in my God,

Is what will see me through,

Out of this darkness.

It will take a long time,

But as long as I have friends,

Friends who stick with me (which I do not find easy, as they seem to fall like flies)

And my faith in God,

I will eventually,

Eventually get to a place,

Place where Instead of,

Of Surviving,

I will be able to thrive.

So the tears can finally end.

And I do so long for that day to, eventually, come……..

So this is my latest poem,

Love and hugs to all readers,

Natalie Xxx

Three Recurring Thoughts

My mood of late had honestly been declining and declining, with even good things which have happened failing to stall the downward spiral for long. Although I’m not all that surprised, and not a lot seems to help nowadays.

There are many reasons why this could be happening, but I think there are main three causes which are the main factors that are speeding up the spiral downwards (to the point where I’m barely holding back from crying (and kinda failing))

One of the biggest issues of the three I think is the general lack of progress with transitioning, and not knowing what is happening with the process, and due to my anxieties, I am not able to just make an appointment and go (by myself) to chase things up, so I’m having to struggle along, with not knowing how long it will take to start moving things forwards. And honestly the longer this drags on for, the harder it gets to cope with it. The biggest thing I want right now (of which is actually possible) is for progress to happen, although I also just wish I came to terms with my identity much earlier and started this all much earlier too. But that aside, the limbo I’m in, the lack of progress, and in increasing discomfort I feel due to dysphoria is getting increasingly difficult to be patient with and put aside for other issues. Which is something I have been doing, as there isn’t a huge amount I can do at this point in all honest. But now, it’s something I need to try to fight for more, but honestly, with this and other issues I’m to bring up later, are all feeding into the depth of my depression, which is just making just coping and surviving hard enough, and that takes up most of my energy, and I honestly don’t know how to find enough to be able to start fighting for more progress on top of my other issues.

It also doesn’t help that changing your name isn’t the cheapest thing to do (for passport and bank purposes) nor is it easy. And from what I have seen of the process, is not an easy thing for transgender individuals to do. Especially with it being such a public process. I’m planning to still do this in January, as that is the earliest that I’d be able to for many reasons. I’m looking forward to doing so, but doing that and then all the chasing up with other institutions will be a further drain to my ever-dwindling energy pool. But a yet another hurdle I need to jump over. It’s honestly frustrating how little energy for things I have because of so much is being drained to just keep my head above the water.

I just hope that things progress with all of the above soon.

The second cause of difficulties is even harder to do anything about, as it is just how life goes, but still, with how things are and have been it isn’t easy.

Its that a big part of my social group has slowly move away from Aber over the last year, due to different reasons, all of which I understand. However, with a lack of an ability to insecurities and anxieties about meeting new people being such a big issue, I haven’t been able to bolster the numbers locally as that would mean meeting new people, which I can barely cope with the idea of, let alone actually doing that.

Although I do greatly appreciate the friends in Aber I do still have, the fact that people have leaving, and being busier and less able to talk to me much (generally) has caused a big hole, in an already scares area, and now I’m at the point that a short 5-10 min convo on fb is the most communication id have in a day (and with only one person),

I have been meeting up regularly with one friend, which is nice and appreciated. However, variety helps, and it isn’t good to lean too much on one friend and isn’t guaranteed to last. And still doesn’t solve or put much of a dent into the fact that most of my time is being consumed with a crippling loneliness which most of my week consists of. I’ve largely tried to shrug it off, but recently it had been much, much harder. Especially as one friend has moved abroad, haven’t been able to see one in months, and the others aren’t (like myself) consistent with keeping up with messaging. So, I have incredibly limited options.

Though saying all of this, I am still grateful to the friends I do have, and the time I have with them.

The third contributing factor to my declining mood, is a strange one, but this year Christmas has honestly just been dropping my mood a large amount. Largely due to two factors, one is the fact that this will be the 5^th or 6^th year in a row that I have spent it alone, and with the things I have mentioned earlier, especially the increase in loneliness, it has become something I’m honestly dreading, and due to anxieties around people I don’t know I wont be able to go to any town group things, as my anxiety won’t be something I’d be able to overcome to even go to one of these things. So, my main option is to distract myself on the day which leads into the second factor; Cost.

The way I distract myself is to go all out on the Christmas food, and spend most of the day cooking, which is the plan again this year, but it isn’t cheap, and honestly takes money away from areas I honestly need it more, however I can’t not do so, as if I don’t have cooking to distract me, I just wouldn’t be able to cope with yet another Christmas alone, especially with my other issues this year.

So, all of this is just making life, and my depression and usual issues, worse and worse, which makes me worry more, which then just makes me feel worse. Which has led to me feeling the worst I’ve felt in a long time this evening, which is why I have written this post this evening. As I just needed to vent about it all.

I do hope that one day things will be easier, but I know it won’t be anytime soon.

Anyway, hugs and love to all,

Natalie

Xxxxx

A few more poems I've written (Which haven't been published yet)

Fragile Hope, Looming Fear

My life grows still,

In a restless calm,

With a storm raging,

Raging on the horizon,

Yet always out of reach,

And never seems to hit.

When that storm finally hits,

This fragile calm,

Will be shattered,

And chaos will ensue.

How I do not know,

Nor do I know how soon,

With little to distract me,

Distract me from my thoughts,

With nothing to plan for,

Nothing to strive for,

I fear it may come soon.

The few things that do linger,

As some small possible defences,

Could also turn against me.

One being trying to plan,

Plan for Christmas this year,

Although this year,

I have less certainty than usual,

Apart from that it will be likely,

Likely to be spent,

As I have for at least,

Least 5 years straight,

Ill likely be alone.

Not that I mind,

Per say, that I’ll be alone,

What I mind is,

Is the lack of people,

People nearby,

That I could potentially,

Potentially spend it with.

With friends moving away,

The already small group,

Group of friends I had near,

Near at the start of the year,

Is growing ever smaller,

And those voids,

Voids will be hard to fill.

The last distraction,

Is feelings,

Feeling I can neither,

Share, nor confront,

As I’m afraid to do either,

In whatever way,

As to do so,

Would leave me betting,

Something which,

Which I cannot afford to lose.

So with all of this happening,

All of this, and so much more,

With my depression, Anxiety,

And ghosts of my past,

I feel drained,

And so worn down,

Worried I could snap in the wind,

When the storm,

Storm finally hits.

But with no choice but to,

To move forward,

My big question is,

What will be round the next corner of my life?

The answer brings,

Brings a fragile hope,

And a looming fear,

As I step further into the unknown,

Further into the darkness,

That my life has become.

So I wait and stumble,

Into the corner,

In search of what to focus,

Focus on in the next,

Next chapter of my life.

Hidden Thoughts, Forever Repressed

Why, oh why can’t,

Can’t I get you off my mind?

No matter what other thoughts,

Thoughts that may plague me,

That harass and torment me,

You are one of the most persistent.

For months now,

Thoughts of you,

Have flowered in my mind,

And for months,

I’ve been running from them,

Scared.

There are so many reasons,

That I should not,

Be falling for,

Of all people,

You.

Once there was a time,

A time where these thoughts,

Would never have been entertained,

Entertained in my mind,

But then things changed,

And now…

Now I can scarcely go a day,

A day without thoughts of you.

Even though we haven’t spoken all that much,

Of late,

Our friendship is still there,

And I miss hearing, and seeing you,

More and more each day,

But yet there is something more,

More, that I cannot show,

Cannot let on, Cannot tell,

As I cannot, and will not,

Will not risk,

Losing you as a friend.

Besides the many reasons,

And all the complications,

That revealing my thoughts could bring,

The thing I fear most,

What I fear,

Is that if I do tell you,

Firstly that,

That you won’t be ready/interested,

And second, that I lose your friendship,

And your friendship,

Is one I hope to never lose.

So I must go on,

And wait,

Wait for either these feelings to potentially fade,

Or by some chance,

You come to me with something similar first.

Unless either happens,

These thoughts, feelings and emotions,

Along with many others,

Must be,

Always repressed.

As I cannot tell you, as I cannot lose you,

I respect, trust and care,

Care about you to much,

To put you in such position,

To turn me away,

And forever push me from your life.  

So forever, silent, I shall have to be.

Battles of Trust, Brain, and Heart.

Suddenly, a few months ago,

My thoughts ever more saturated grows,

With the thoughts of you,

Conflicted, Uncertain, Messy,

But of you.

These thoughts I know are in vein,

As nothing, could or would ever,

Ever be mentioned to you by me,

Let alone acted upon.

For so, so many reasons.

First, I wouldn’t even know where to start,

My brain in screaming,

Screaming that nothing can come from,

From these thoughts,

Yet my heart ignores this.

Despite being conflicted itself.

But as time goes on,

The more it weighs on my mind.

And the less it can be ignored,

The more I want to be able,

Be able to these thoughts, ignore.

The main reason why,

Besides being conflicted,

Conflicted within myself,

I will not say a word to you,

Is that I’m afraid to do so,

Would break your trust,

And ruin our friendship,

That, and that and some other things,

Things I cannot mention here,

Is why I cannot tell you,

Even my conflicting feelings,

As then the friendship.

In ruins could lie.

So now I’ll wait,

And hope these feelings pass,

Especially as they are not,

Not exactly welcome,

And could have impact untold if spoken.

Yet, making me think of you differently,

Than I ever did before.

With all that has happened,

In the time since our friendship began,

That we have helped each other through,

And how much I still treasure those,

Those bonds we share as friends,

I just cannot to bear to lose that.

To many times in the past I have lost those,

Those I care about the most,

And I don’t want to add yet another,

To that failed number,

That ever haunts me.

So to protect myself and you,

And not to put this,

This (confusing) friendship at risk,

Unless you feel for me, and then speaks out,

My mouth on this,

Shall now, and forever,

Be Closed.

Drifting on Hope

Ever drifting, Ever distant,

Since that fateful day,

Is all I have ever known.

Shut of emotions,

Emotions big and small,

Blanking out all but hollow pain.

Happiness, Sadness,

In full, I have never fully known,

As even by myself,

I don’t trust enough to,

To let myself feel.

Feel anything below,

Below the surface of my emotions.

Each day becomes harder,

Each day more withdrawn,

Not knowing how to deal,

Deal with my past emotions,

Or any real emotion at all.

This causes overcompensation.

Which has driven many away,

Which just ties into the fear,

Fear of the past,

Fear of abandonment.

Which when im faced with it,

No matter what form,

I withdraw, and regress,

Into the child,

That was left,

Left behind on that,

That darkest of my days,

So many years ago.

This has, is and will continue,

Continue to cause fear,

Cause pain,

And drain my capacity to fully trust,

Trust in even myself,

For the rest of my days.

Limit it though,

I will do my best to do,

Despite the hold,

Despite the fear,

Despite the pain,

I will NOT let it forever,

Forever hold me back.

How at this time,

I do not know.

But in the depths,

Depths of my being,

Depths of my Soul,

Despite the deep,

Deep pain and turmoil,

The past has caused,

I Cannot, and Will not,

Let it hold be back forevermore.

Help is being attained,

To help me learn,

To help me grow,

So I know how to deal,

Deal with the emotions,

That my past has caused.

But even with this,

The scars that remain,

Will never fully heal,

And will always run deep.

But I hope,

It will ease my detachment,

Detachment to people,

Detachment to emotion,

And Detachment to life,

That this has caused.

Most of all,

I Hope,

And I Pray,

That at last I will learn,

Learn to trust again,

Learn to relate,

Learn to grown,

And above it all,

Just learn to be happy,

As right now,

It remains a forgotten,

Forgotten Memory,

In the depths of my mind.

And afraid to become,

Become that vulnerable,

To let me feel,

Feel happiness again.

But all I can do right now,

Is to continue,

Continue to keep drifting,

Drifting on Hope.

All Poems written by myself, Natalie Summers

Lost and Terrified

I really wish my depression would just go away. I really hate it and myself. And I just can’t get over it.

I’m 24, not in education or employment, have hardly any human contact, and just generally struggling in life.

When people give me advice on what to do, such as “get out more”, “get a job” or something like that, it kinda hurts. The reason I don’t is because I CAN’T, my emotions are always just a fucking mess, I am constantly on the verge of a breakdown, and constantly terrified one will come.

I have no self-belief or confidence. I hate myself and constantly feel worthless and just wishing things would change and that I didn’t feel so alone, depressed, and worthless. It doesn’t help that my that my past, my failures, insecurities, and everything I hate about my past and myself constantly playing around in my head, and it kills me.

I just wish I could be happy and overcome my fears and depression. But I don’t know how (although I have (just) started to have professional help), and not knowing how just makes me feel even more insecure than usual. I constantly just want to give up, but I can’t, it isn’t an option. At all. So, I’m stuck with just trying to put up with it, but I don’t even know how to do that. I just wish I was able to become happy and move on with my life without the death grip that my past has on me.

 And that I hate most of all, which grows my fears that I’ll be alone, with no friends, support or anything, as I’m afraid that it will cause me to push everything and everyone I care about away, as I’m terrified of being abandoned by them (the people), and I constantly try to avoid feelings of abandonment at all cost (for obvious reasons). But the more I try to avoid it, the more it constantly seems inevitable.

And all of the above and more that I just can’t put into words, is why I’m just struggling so much, and just have no idea how to even attempt to deal with everything. And I honestly just feel life, desperate and just lost, and terrified to my core.

Massive hugs to all,

Natalie xxx

The failures of Isolation (personal reflection)

I have been thinking a lot recently, about a load of different things, but the one thing that keeps cropping up is that I constantly doubt if I know how to be a friend to people. This is a concern I’ve had for years but has been on my mind a lot more of late.

And after this thinking, after my abandonment, years of stress, depression, anxiety etc, I think I honestly don’t really know how to be a friend, or what it even means to have friends. All of the people I currently think of as friends I made as an “adult” but I wouldn’t say I feel totally comfortable in any of those friendships and always have insecurities and massive worries about a friendship ending, or having a friendship abandoned.

Last night I also realised something else, which I haven’t realised before, but looking back I’m not surprised. As far as I can remember I have been somewhat guarded with letting people get too close. Which obviously got worse with certain events, and then just worsened since I came to Wales (not that I regret moving here, but that’s how it happened)

The primary school I went to here (wales) was my first real experience with bullying, I didn’t fit in with the other kids around me, and although I met a couple of people I liked, I never really had friendship with them, that and the fact that through secondary school was much the same, and I never felt that anyone tried to reach out and I was just an outcast, who both isolated myself due to the above and prior trust issues from past events and even hiding things from myself.

I mention this, due to the key thing which happened, isolation, which was half a reflex to protect myself, and honestly just not caring much at the time (though I did want the bullying to stop at the time). However I had been isolated from making or even the ability of making friends, to stop me from getting to close to people, and looking back at old and current friendships.

I half wonder if it is just an obsession with wanting a connection with people that I felt/feel rather than friendship, in some cases its clearer than others, but I do think that there is friendships I have with some people, which I’m grateful for. But even with those I (subconsciously) I don’t allow myself to get too close to anyone, or feel close, not because I don’t care about my friends, or because I don’t want to, as I do. But due to all the aforementioned past and current mental health issues, I have shut myself off, even partially to myself, as through constant exhaustion from fighting my mental health over the years and being completely afraid of people getting close and hurting me, it’s a risk I can take to an extent, but not as much as I should or need to.

My life has been me just skating though and mostly tring to hold myself together, and not allowing and then not knowing how, to open myself up to people, yes I can talk about things, but that isn’t what I mean, I mean that in my mind, in my feelings, I don’t open myself up properly to others, and myself, so I don’t feel abandoned and betrayed. And that with my anxiety, depression, exhaustion, and just not knowing how to deal with it all, I constantly question my friendships, as I honestly don’t trust myself to know what friendships really are.

Im not saying I don’t have friends as I do, this is mostly a venting piece about this in the hopes of better understanding myself why I struggle to connect and keep friendships, and it unfortunately seems, like it has everything to do with my lifelong coping mechanism of just shutting off from, other people, the world, and even myself, which honestly scares me, as it is something im not sure how to come back from that, and will need (mostly professional help (with that and for other things)) to sort out and resolve. And I hope and pray that I can and it will be something that will be easier in the future, with less self-doubt, and that I keep my mind in the process, as my coping mechanism, of just isolation, has been a failure, one I don’t know how to resolve right now.

Anyway, sorry for the rant,

And I hope you all well.

Big hugs,

Why I think you need to read "Undivided: Coming out, becoming whole and living free from shame" By Vivky Beeching

I have spent the last 3 hours reading “Undivided” by Vicky Beeching. (before writing this which taken about 1hr and a half)  And just Wow, this is the most brilliant and amazing memoir I have ever read. Although the book is obviously deeply faith centric, and I strongly felt God working in and through Vicky’s life and story, there is so much in this book, not just for those who are in the Church.

I myself identify with a fair amount of issues raised in the book, especially when it comes to repressing parts of yourself, for whatever reason, and I know from my own experience how harmful it is. I identify as a Transgender Woman, and a Christian myself. So, I know how hard it is to come to terms something that is a part of who you are (which I have already somewhat written about on this blog already (not this blog post but the blog in general)).

With myself though it has cost me one of my closest friends at the time, and  any chance of a relationship with my Dad and a large part of my family. After telling my Dad in order to have a relationship with me, he has to accept me as me, and not to pressure me, this was his reply “You protect yourself. Sorry. I have two daughters already. Dont need other fake one. If thats how you feel then its goodbye. I have not time for misconceptions of personality. Faggott”

And that will be the last thing I’ll ever hear from him (especially after all the damage he did BEFORE that (as my Nan and them he abandoned me to social services (literally, when I was 7/8))

And I only bring this up, as I know that many people will be easily be able to relate to Vicky’s story and relate to similar experiences in their own lives. Especially those who are a part of the Church, but even those beyond can read this, and know that they are not alone in their struggles, and it is good, healthy and right to talk about them, and to accept, and love who you are. Which can be a long process but it will be worth it and better in the end.

One thing I was constantly thinking whilst reading Undivided was that this book is going to make waves, and have a huge impact, and is part of the groundwork, that Vicky, and others are essentially working towards. Which is a major shift in Theology. Which I’m excited about, especially as it is a field I want to one day enter into myself (academically). And in this divide between the Church and the LGBTQ+ community can and hopefully will, be broken.

Also, I think another thing Undivided captures, in essence, is how painful and stifling to both Individuals, and the Church as a whole, the drive to conform to beliefs and tradition, without and open mind or heart. As by doing so, you don’t allow God to come in, break, and remake you, which is an essential part of being a Christian. Not to be rigid in your beliefs, as that is something that causes experiences that Vicky has described in her book.

But more importantly I strongly believe in by being so rigid, and inflexible to change, you are shutting off the great potential God has for you, and in this you are shutting off the flow of his love and grace, which often flows through you and into those around you. And therefore, being rigid can help to suffocate a church, and lead it astray from the calling God has for you and the church you are a part of.

The most important message which I took from the book (which I’m not exactly sure was fully intended) goes beyond what the church needs to do, but what the Church and society needs to do. Especially in this day and age.  This is to become “Undivided” to look past our own preconceptions, our fears, our ignorance, pride, or whatever else it could be that can stop you from seeing, instead of the label of what makes them different to you, to see the person that stands in front of you, with the same wants and needs we all have, as we are all Human.

But in order to be able to get to the point where we can do this, we need to find a place where we are, in Vicky’s words,

“Freed from shame and fear, we are finally able to live, and love, from a place of wholeness. We find peace. We become complete. We become people who we are, at our deepest core, undivided”. If we can make the steps to do this individually in our own lives, then hopefully, person by person, it idea, will not just be something for own individual lives, which is crucial. But hopefully can be transferred to something we can do to help transform out society so it too can be undivided.

I know that this may be a strange way to write and go about a book review (as it wasnt exactly a review, but meh). However this is what I got from, an amazing, and inspiring book, from a person I admire greatly, from her old music career to her coming out story, and now this book, and someone I look forward to seeing what they have in store for the future in Theology.

And I just wanted to write and share, what I got most of all (which is only scratching the surface) and most of all, I encourage you to go on amazon, or see if “Undivided” is in your local book store, and pick up a copy and read it, whether you are a Christian or not. As I strongly believe that the book, and Vicky’s story is well worth reading as there is so much you can take away from this brilliant book. And I just can’t recommend it enough, it’s just amazing.

And I just want to thank Vicky for being strong, courageous and willing to share her story, for us all to draw from. Which is why i believe that sharing personal stories like this, in and out of Church, is becoming more and more important, as even just having this conversation, and these stories being out is helping to erode the barriers which have been up for far too long.

Thanks again to Vicky for her book, and I recommend you all to pick up a copy and read it for yourselves, it is something you definitely wont regret doing.

Hope you have found this post somewhat interesting. (and really doesn’t reflect how good the book is)

Hugs to all,

Natalie Xxxx