My current musings

So, here I am again writing another blog post. Not much has changed since my last blog post, I'm still deeply struggling emotionally, with all the same issues which I have already said in this blog, and one other. Which is something which I've slowly been realising but not really ever spoken about until recently. Which is having a support network, which at the moment, I just don't have right now. I have a few friends which I can speak to and trust, and I find it difficult to be able to trust people, but its weird how.

But still, I dont really have anyone who I can call at any time day or night, to rely on to be there when I need them, most people have family to rely on in this capacity, however my Dad wont accept me for who I am, and doesn't treat me like im his child, I barely speak to my mum, the closes person I have in my family is my younger sister, but even with her, I feel distant from, as I dont know her that well. And besides from my younger sister, who I actually do genuinely care about as a person, as well as her being my sister, the rest of my family in all honesty, are just strangers, and yes I care about them, and I know that they are my blood relatives, however at the same time I dont know them, and not having those family bonds which most people have, honestly, I find that really difficult at times and it hurts.

One thing I feel I need right now is that bond, however its impossible, especially now, and it makes me such an annoying and almost desperate friend to have, and im surprised about how many I do have, however, as ive said, I pressure those friends I do have so much it probably drives them away like it has so many others, which tbh still hurts. And right now, I cant do anything to chance that, as half of the time im both wanting to speak to people yet wanting to be alone at the same time, and that is a weird and annoying struggle to have. And it doesnt help that most of my time, I just dont have anyhting to do, nor can I afford to do anything, especially as half of the things id love to do, is either unlikely right now, or just too expensive and in all honesty it just makes everything more difficult, and the other half I just dont feel comfortable doing alone atm, so either way I feel trapped in my situation.

Yes, in September ill be starting at university, which im really looking forward to, and im hoping that it will really help my mood and outlook on life for so many different reasons. But that doesn't help my position now. Also there is no guarantee that university will help. Which im also taking into consideration.

One thing im doing to help distract myself is watching a lot of tv series and films, but most often than not, they just remind me of things im desperately seeking and what im missing in my life. And just makes me feel worse, id love to do some reading but im honestly not sure what to read, and I really don't feel comfortable with going to the library alone, so I just dont go, it just makes me feel to anxious.

On the note of being anxious, I actually feel anxious about going out in public right now, as one one side id love to be living as myself, but quite honestly cant afford it right now, also things with church and my home group also make things complex there, so I feel anxious when I do go out as myself because of that, but also I hate living as someone who im not, and that makes me anxious as I feel that despite coming public with my decision which is round about a year now, I havent made any progress with it, so I feel weird going out then as I feel that people will think that I made the whole thing up, when I havent, and as soon as im in uni and can afford to, I will start living as myself full time. But until then both ways I just feel weird about it.

Anyway here is an update of my current mood and how things are im my life. I know its gloomy and not interesting which im sorry about, but I hope it helps those who know me to understand why I behave as I do.

I hope that you are all well, and thanks for reading. And sorry again

Natalie

Xxx

Open Letter to Political Leaders about the Care System

An Open letter to all Political party leaders

To all political leaders in the UK,

As you all know the election is just around the corner, yet the election is extremely difficult to predict, and due to this political tensions on divisive issues are set to cause further divisions and debates on the political battle field.

However in this, we loose what is truly important, not winning votes, but what is best for the British people. Especially those who do not have a voice, or are extremely under represented in society, such as the elderly, disabled, and the group I will be writing on, Children in care and Care leavers.

I remember a news article from 11^th March 2015 based on a report given by Members of Parliament stating that “Children in care failed by government” and “get a raw deal”, which having been through the care system, I completely agree with. It is not fair or right that a child in care, has to fight for months just to get support from mental health professionals which is often minimal and doesn't truly help the individual. Nor is it right that the system is based on on a “tick box” bureaucratic nightmare, which means that the social worker assigned to the individual is unable to spend as much time with the individuals as they should as they spend a hefty chunk of their time filling out unnecessary paperwork that does not reflect the needs of the individual. Which I find is one of the biggest failings of the care system.

If social workers had less paper work to do, it would free up a lot more time which could cut costs on the social workers time, but more importantly give social workers the time to meet an individuals needs and helps them to flourish into the people they could become, rather than the failures which sadly most of them become, as when I last checked the number of people who had been in care and was homeless at some point in their lives, in and out of prison, on benefits most of their lives, etc is over (these are only rough figures) 90% with only round about 30% attaining GCSE's and then only 6% going to university out of around 57,000 Children in care, which is a huge failing on the governments part.

The State through the courts have taken these children into their care as they were either neglected and abused by their parents (or both) and then they move from children homes to foster cares, and sometimes into temporary accommodation such as bed and breakfasts throughout their time in care, and most do not receive the emotional and psychological support they desperately need which makes them more likely to go into prison, with over 1/3 of all prisoners having been in care, and nearly 50% of under 21 year old's in prison being from a care background, bearing in mind that out of the adult population only 1 or 2% of all adults go to prison. This further shows the state failings of children in care, if this was a child of parents in the uk, they would ironically, but likely, end up in the care system that is supposedly supposed to take these children away from such a harsh upbringing and fate.

All of these concerns, and so much more, desperately need to looked at and fixed in the next Parliament, as this is neglect on part of the Government to fail to provide the care needed to help the majority of children in care, and care leavers to flourish.

So my Questions to all Party Leaders follow:-

1) What are your plans to help to reform the care system so that most people who leave care can have a happy and successful future which many currently lack?

2) Will you pledge more funds to Social services and make this a protected area in terms of cuts? As further cuts to this sector could cause its collapse of an already failing system.

This is a vital service to this country however the service is currently neglected by parliament and seldom talked about, which is damaging to the system itself.

I hope that you consider these issues and commit to building a care system that creates a positive and bright future for all those who has been taken into care.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Random Musings and thoughts

Well its been a while since my last proper blog post, but that is mainly because not much has changed since then. Besides accepting the unconditional offer to the University of Wales Trinity Saint David's, Lampeter Campus and I'm starting preparations for that, such as my student finance application which is confusing but I'm getting there. So right now I'm just in limbo waiting for the exam I need to resit in the summer then just until I can do more things preparing myself for university.

Despite the future looking positive as my life is moving forwards, I find myself still battling with depression and issues with not being able to live as a woman as I really want and need to be, which is really effecting myself. and im sick of both the depression and being restricted in being myself. its crushing and draining me. On top of these issues my cousin has completely rejected the fact that I am now preparing to become and live full time as a woman, and he threatened me for the next time I see him, and basically he had just rejected me.

And im not even sure where my Dad stands on this. Besides my younger Sister, and my Nan, I'm honestly not sure that I want to have contact with my family, as I feel like I'm imposing on my dad when I've gone to visit, and I'm just not getting anywhere in rebuilding a relationship with him, although I understand that he is busy, and he has a new family and things are difficult with that from as far as I can tell, but still, I'm his eldest child, I think he should make more of an effort to have more contact, once a fortnight would be better than once every few months. I just find it really difficult to find anything to talk about with Dad, as I just don't know him as I did as a child, and im not in a place where im able to keep trying to build one. So I'm thinking just cutting all ties with them. But at the same time I want to be in touch with my family, despite mostly it seems like that's a one way thing. Which really upsets me. So im really not sure what to do here.

Then there is having nothing to do on a day to day basis, which is actually making everything worse, but at the same time, im really not able to cope with doing much which I hate. So between now an September is going to be a slow and painful waiting game hoping that I don't deteriorate in my mood to such a level that I wont be able to cope with being at university, which im doing alli can to avoid this, like trying to see a doctor, (the had to re arrange my last appointment) and just trying to find something, anything to distract me each day, but that is becoming more and more difficult now. So im just not sure what to do.

So I find myself in a situation where most of the time im torn between hopeful for the future and really struggling with my limited support system and emotional difficulties that im facing, most of the time, I just don't know how to feel, and quote often either just feel down, or hollow inside and im just feeling drain by it all, as life passes me by.....

My Life Story! (updated Nov 2021)

Hey this is a brief story of my life,

From the day I was born social services knew of me, for my Mum has been under investigation from the service since 1985, and she really didn't care about being a mother, hence she wasn't good at it. Mum left my older brother and sister to look after us, and whilst I lived there there's two main things i remember, one was that my mum trapped one of my fingers in the door and she left it in there a least 5-10 minutes before it was released, also whilst I was with mum i remember her boyfriend chasing me up the stairs with a belt, i cant remember what happened next. Their isn't actually that much else I remember from living with Mum, although there is more, I wont include them to keep this as short as possible.

 

When I was 5, I was living with my mum when my dad came and taken me and my younger brother and sister to live with him,and I've never lived with anyone longer than I had lived with my Mum. After I left Mum's It was 11 years until I next saw her, and I have not seen my older brother since and my older sister rarely, and now we are completely out of touch now.

 

I lived with dad from when i was 5-8 years old and that was full of difficult events that I shouldn't have been around, I had to put up with my Nan and Dad fighting all the time, and one day my uncle came to the house and put a knife to Nan's neck (his mum) I'm just thankful she was OK after,but I was terrified at the time, and the police were round a lot, i got warned by them a couple of times for prank calling them which I now regret, and destroying a car with my cousin, and we weren't supposed to, but i didn't understand it was wrong at the time due to not having rules until I was 5, so my Dad had a difficult time in raising me and my younger brother and sister

Oddly enough through all this, i started to hear about Jesus and believed it at the time due to going to a Roman Catholic primary school, but i couldn't build on my faith, because i was unable, as none of my family were religious.

 

Then in January 2001, it was a Friday after school, I went back home to my Nan's flat, and the moment we walked through the door, she said to dad "I'm taking the kids for a walk" and I never lived there with them again, that was the worst day of my life as I was abandoned to the care system, (and I'm still dealing with the effects of being abandoned), I cried for hours that day. My younger brother and sister didn't seem to understand what was going on, but I could tell something was wrong.

 

Whilst I've been in care I've been with 12 different foster carers, on rest bite, short term and long term care. the first one I didn't get on with, nor the second, but the third ones i was with for 2 years, and they were the best foster carers ive eve been with, they helped me so much.

Then i went to another set, Christina and Ahmet Kemal. which is when I started growing in my faith and drawing closer to God, and near the end of the placement, things were rocky with me and Christina, and she wasn't sure whether she could put up with me, because i obviously needed help (and still do) with my anger which nearly broke sown the placement, and then when we were on holiday in Egypt, she passed away, in hospital over there, and this bought me closer to God, her and Ahmet had split up before we went to Egypt and were going through a nasty divorce. When i was 10/11 yrs old, my foster brother at the time, introduced me to some of the porn magazines, which is wrong of him, and I've been slowly getting more addicted to it since, its been both an addiction, but also, despite not realising this at the time, a longing to become a female started then.

 

Then i went to live with with another set of foster carers who i didn't get on with and where really strict, and were not understanding even though i was just experiencing grief from the loss of a foster carer at the time. I moved from there after a month, then i went to another couple who were nice, i stayed their for about 5 months,

 

Then i went to another foster carer, who i was with for 3 and a bit years, and for the first year it was fine, then Christmas 2008, my foster carers broke up and nearly messed the placement up, and even the mental stability of my foster carer, but i really did my best to help them. Also around this time I finally got back in touch with my Dad and his side of the family, which at the time I was so happy about, although nervous, and cautious, as I found it difficult to trust them (and still do).

 

But then in November, of that year all my life's emotions at once, and during the two years of trying to deal with that and asking for help for it, which i didn't, and this broke down my placement and drove me to the edge of suicide. Also at this placement I started to experiment with my foster sisters clothes, which I did in secret and was deeply ashamed of at the time, however at the same time I couldn't stop myself and even when I got caught taking clothes I couldn't bring up why I was to the foster carers, as I couldn't even admit it to myself at the time. But ever since then, the desire to wear female clothes and become a woman started to grow. Which I couldn't understand at the time, and struggled with for years.

 

In august 2009, i went to a camp called soul survivor, where God really helped with my the depression I was dealing with at the time. Then when i came back (this was to another set of foster cares i was with from some of August until the 21st September) a load more stuff came to me, and then i was forced back to Birmingham, and that time i absolutely felt i couldn't cope, and i saw no end and help in my situation and at times I desperately wanted to end my own life but I just wasn't able to, then all of a sudden (after 5 months of neglect) God bought me back to Wales, where i class as my home. The foster placement I went to didn't work out because I was still struggling with my anger problem, which consistently ruined things.

 

After leaving this placement I went to stay in bed and breakfasts whilst I prepared for my GCSE's whist having most of the years work to catch up on, and do all the coursework necessary in 2 weeks, which I managed, but the effort drained me of the last of the emotional strength I had left.

 

Just before my leavers day, I moved to a supported housing, I say supported lightly, as I really didn't feel that my needs were being met there and I was drawing deeper ad deeper into emotional turmoil which led to another breakdown and my time at this accommodation only lasted from May - November 2010 and by this point I just ended up isolating myself from the world, and was really struggling with life, and being forcibly shipped to another children's home in Birmingham just made this worse. this time I was in Birmingham from November 2010 - August 2011, in which time I did improve a bit emotionally, but also, to my confusion even to this day, my ps3 and one of my laptops got stolen, which I was really annoyed about at the time, and actually made me want to go back to Wales evermore as I just had enough, which led, in hindsight to an ill-conceived move on my part.

 

This move I mentioned, was to move back with an old foster carer, which I thought would go really well, and I could recover and get my A levels then, I was really wrong. I went under the assumption that he would be rebuilding the house and that until then we would be living in a caravan on his farm. However what ended up happening was that we ended up pretty much living above his shop for a year, when I was supposed to be at 6th form trying to get my A levels, but I was still struggling with depression and I felt pressured into looking after his shop from 9-5 with no breaks or food or being paid for it, and he was out talking to his friends and basically enjoying himself. I was also paying him per fortnight towards bills and food, and what I got was just one meal per day from him.

There then came a point where I wasn't able to pay him one fortnight as I had to pay three money, so I told him I couldn't pay him (and this was just after telling my social worker about the food issue, which he talked his way out of, and then said he wanted me to buy my own food from then on, which I would have done the fortnight after this) and only was able to pay him £10 as a gesture, despite that being all I had left and what he said in reply was “what is this going to get?” so I had no choice but to use his card machine to do a refund payment into my account, (which I did twice and really hated and regretted doing even at the time but I had to so I could survive for the next fortnight) However then he got a call from his bank saying that one of the payments went overdrawn, and he didn't recognise that this had be done so he told the bank this, so they reported it as a fraud, and he got really mad at me about this, even though it was his fault in the first place. But still, what came of this was that as the bank had reported this to the police he convinced me to hand myself in as he thought it would be better like that, and of this I was arrested and given a caution for the offence. And I really wish I didn't have to do that.

 

Then after this, he dumped me down in his caravan to live from August – December 2013, and in this time I started at college to do as levels (which I ended up not doing yet again which I'll explain in due course) and was trying to arrange for me to live somewhere else, where I didn't have to live with, and pay most of the little money I was getting each week to him. (I was living on £12 a fortnight until I repaid the money back). And throughout this time it was becoming increasingly difficult to live there, and by December I had a chest infection from the damp caravan (as I had no mains water or electricity there so it was really difficult). And due to this, social services moved me into a bed and breakfast where I ended up staying until April 2013, and in this time I really fell deeper into depression and started to self-harm (which I stopped in September 2013) and was just struggling to cope so I ended up dropping out of college until the following September.

 

In April 2012 I moved into Emergency accommodation, until October 2014. In this time I went back to college and finally got my AS levels (although I only passed one due to difficulties in coping, and my Great Grandma's passing). And then in the first week of September I went on the first holiday I have been on in years which was to Tenerife, which I enjoyed. However I quickly went back into a pit of depression (which im still currently suffering with). Also in this time I started to buy women's clothing and start experimenting more with being a woman, and I found that I was more and more comfortable as a woman, and I reached the decision consciously that I wanted to become one, and that I will do all I can to get there. Also in this time I started college again this time to try to finally get my full A levels.

 

In October 2014 I moved into a flat on a project in Aberystwyth which I've lived on before, which has staff that supports you. Which has been really helpful so far, however due to depression I was unable to make myself attend college so they withdrawn me from the college. But advised me to apply to university, which I have done and I received an unconditional offer from the University of Wales Trinity Saint David which I accepted a couple of weeks ago, so I know that I'll be at university in September, which is a huge relief. However, I am still dealing with depression, and feeling lonely a lot, but I still go to Church as much as possible and a Church home group, which has helped especially as my faith in God is the only reason I have got this far in life. Also, soon I will be seeing a doctor about the depression. So that's everything, I'm currently just starting to plan for university, and I also plan on getting everything I need to be able to live as myself at university as soon as I'm able to in September, which I'm looking forward to.

 

 

So that’s where I left things in 2015, and my word, a lot but not a lot has happened since then, fist off, in hindsight, for what should have been predictable reasons, I failed university due to ongoing mental heal struggles (which are still here 6 years later), but when I was there, I met some amazing people, and some of those are amongst those I consider my closest friends to this day.

So in feb 2017, I was officially withdrawn from university, where a few months later I moved off site (just after easter 2017) but not long before, my Dad basically told me he couldn’t accept who I am (a trans woman), called me a faggot, that he didn’t need another daughter, after I said that if he wanted a relationship with myself, he needed to accept me as me, but as he couldn’t, I cut off contact, and haven’t spoken to him since.

A lot happened in June that year, I lost one of the people I considered a close friend at the time, as apparently my friendship was having an adverse effect on them, which tbh I understand, and I am sorry that it did, and ultimately, although it massively triggered my abandonment issues at the time, but thankfully was just before going away to Kos, with a friend I made from uni, which was a much needed and welcome holiday.

Then later that month, I needed to rush (with little support) to move to a new place (as was in emergency accommodation at the time), where I have lived since moving here.

 

Unfortunately, I have had issues with my neighbours, and it isn’t the best place for me to be living, but don’t have much in terms of options.

So from 2017-2020 not a lot happened, mostly trying and failing to get help that helps, and pushing for help with transitioning, which taken a long time (and only had an appointment with the Welsh gender service last year), I had a few cool trips to London with some friends, but not much besides that.

Last year, I lost my support workers which were attached to my landlord, for not engaging, which I was engaging as much as I could considering we were in a global PANDEMIC, but still.

I also managed to go to Finland in march 2020, to see a friend living out there, and a few days after returning, the first lockdown happened. And without that trip, lockdown would have been much harder.

Dec 2020, I had an appointment with the Welsh Gender service, where things started progressing more, im still waiting on some things to happen, and have my second appointment with them next month (Dec 2021) to go over things again. There are things I need to make progress on, but the pandemic and mental health has impeded that (such as losing weight) but I need to start on soon.

Also, living alone in a pandemic, is awful, and such an isolating experience, and has had a negative impact on my mental health, and still trying to get some sort of help, but that isn’t easy.

So im currently in a state of limbo, waiting on things to progress, so I can get to stage where im more able to take control over things, and not feel overwhelmed and frozen by things, and lack of progression. I hope that improves soon, but its likely to take at least another year, but likely longer.

I could have gone into more detail, but a lot of blog stuff covers it, also, as I said, not a lot happened so thought these highlights would do.

So now, we wait, and hopefully in the next update, things will be more optimistic. 

So that my life so far. Thanks for reading this. Im sorry about the length of this, and I hope that you found this useful to read. And I hope your all well :D

Thanks and God bless.

*Massive Hugs*
Natalie :D Xxxxx

{Insert interesting title here}

Hello everyone, its been a while, mainly because I wasn't sure what to write about. but I thought that I may as well write an update for you guys who still read my blog :)

Well in terms of my emotional health and transition, not much has changed there unfortunately and I desperately need to see a doctor soon, but due to feeling really worn out, and being scared, although I know I shouldn't be, I find it difficult to force myself to make and go to an appointment.

However I do actually bring good news for a change! (which feels strange), despite being withdrawn from college in October due to poor attendance from being depressed and ill, I applied to university and I have already been offered an unconditional place at The University of Wales, Trinity Saint Davids, Lampeter, to study theology and religious studies this September, which is amazing, although im still waiting for responses from other universities, Its a huge relief to know that in September ill finally be at university, which is long overdue. and it is such a relief that im finally moving on with my life. I cant tell you how much it means to me.

Another few things which are helping me get through my depression is, one of my best friends being able to talk to me every day (albeit only the one message) which I really appreciate even though I might not show it to her, she means a lot to me.
Also watching streams on Twitch.tv, mainly the streams of Kungfufruitcup and Mssnowhite, which have been such a huge help with my depression and just helping to pick up my mood and  to cope through the day, which is a massive help, and I cant describe how much their streams help me, even if I have had to adjust my sleeping schedule to watch them, as it really helps me just to get through the day, as they are both super friendly and welcoming, and its just amazing to be a part of their chats and make me feel so loved and welcomed in their streams, it really does help me just cope. They are just so amazing, and I am so lucky to have found their channels so I can have some human contact almost daily and just be a small part of their awesome streams and lives. I cant over state how much they help, just being able to watch their gaming streams and to chat with them and other people on their chat. I just cant express it.

Also the church and God is helping me cope too, I know I still need to see a doctor about this, all of what im getting is actually keeping me from the worst of wht I could be going through, which I am grateful for every day. And I thank God for leading me to all these thing that do help me cipe, from church, and my homegroup and the friends ive made their, to my best friend, and the streams, it all just means the world to me that I have access to them all. Its an incredible blessing, although things are still tough they all just make the darkness just that bit brighter! :)

*massive hug*

Thanks for reading

Natalie
Xxx

My Poetry Collection

All of these poems are written by myself, and cannot be published our used without prior consent of myself. (the poems start with the most recently written (as a general rule)). I hope you enjoy reading them! :)

Great Need, Great Love

 

Oh Lord
How could you do this?
How could you allow this?
The endless onslaught of pain
The endless mountains
One after another.

Relentlessly Storms...
Batter against me
Trials popes me
With no rest
With no end in sight.

As soon as hope arrives
In an endings sight
Yet another trial
Yet another battle
Comes to challenge me.

Many times I have
Have been close to
Just giving in
Throwing in the towel
Much as I do now
The road just seems too tough.

Yet despite of this
Despite what you allow
One thing is true
You will never allow
Allow me to Quit.

Whenever I have been close
To just giving in
Always you come
And offered you hand
To lead me on

Often with you my Lord
Have I been frustrated
That no where I looked
Could you be found
Yet knowing you were there

I know that I need you
And always will
I pray you hear my cry
And meet with me tonight
In all your Glory

Father, please remind me
You are there
And all of my life
You have in your hands
And you have guided me thus far

Please Lord, Bring to my mind
All the Good and powerful times
That I have had with you
That these may bring me
The peace and comfort of the Lord.

Father
Please hear my Cry
Strengthen and sustain me
And show me you are near
So that I may rise in you again

Father
I ask for your Spirit to come
And bring peace and love
From the throne of Heaven
To soothe the pain within
And strengthen myself in you

I need you Father
Now more than ever
You know my mind
You see my heart
I ask that you provide for my needs

In the name of Jesus
Who died for me
All of this Lord
I bring to thee
So you may set me free!

My Grandma

 

Dedicated to Grandma- R.I.P

My Grandma

My whole life I knew you,
Yet know you I did not.
Time was stolen
Our paths ceased to cross....

Yet from what I do know,
Is that you, My Grandma,
I dearly Love,
And the precious moments,
I Shared with you,
Will always be close to my heart.

When I was a child,
Your face, full of beauty,
Filled me with happiness,
And peace,

Then, from that home I knew,
That world with you,
Was torn away.

Then one fateful day,
We finally met again
And again your beauty shone,
You kindness, and love
Burned as a blinding light.

Though since then,
Little of you I saw,
Which increases the loss,
The pain I now feel.

Knowing a relationship with you,
Can never be,
So I grieve for you and the bond,
That we might have shared, can never be.

But I will rejoice in the time we shared,
Little though it was
I shall rejoice that you feel pain no more,
And are now in eternal peace.

Grandma, I miss you,
The love I hold for you,
Forever you will have,
As your love has forged,
A place of honour in my heart.

Our God

 

When our strength fails
When our resistance falls
When all seems dark
You always bring the Light!
...

God you light the way
God you give us strength
      You are there
God you give us hope
You embrace us in Your love
You are our God

Day to day we fall from grace
Day to day we fight
Prayer is our weapon
Your Spirit is our shield!

You prepare the way
You bridge the gap again
So we can draw near
And Share in your Love

When the day of Judgement comes
When we meet face to face
I will have no fear of you
'Cause I'm accepted in your Grace!

Hearts Desire

 

God on High
Hear our prayer
Draw near to us
Fill our Hearts with love
We are Humbled
We give up Thanks
And accept the Grace
Given by the one ...
Seated upon the Throne
Jesus, our Saviour
The Debt we owe to thee
No Man can pay
Yet, freely you give
So to Thee, Jesus
Our lives we pledge to thee
To further your Kingdom
To share your Love to All!

The Haunting of My Past

 

The Abandonments Crushing,
Crushing out the spark
The spark of life

The spark that
That kept me so long
That I've been fighting
Fighting so long for ...

The fight has been hard
I've struggled for so long
Just to keep going
But the sparks nearly out

The pain is torcher
The darkness consuming
The torment of my past
Haunts me in the night

Only the haunting...
The haunting worsening
The pains slicing
Right to my very soul



My mind is distant
In a blur
A whirlpool of pain
Pain from my past

One i thought
I thought would stay
Has been driven to
To despair, by me

Which makes things worse
Adding to my burden
Which is already
Pushing me to despair

Yet that is my
My own fault
Yet i could mot help it
Its worsening the pain

I wish i knew
Knew what to do
Knew how to go on
With little conversation

Yet i know that
That God is there
Watching, guiding me
So i do not fall



In this knowledge
I know i cannot
Cannot fail
Because the lord has made it so

And by his strength
In his guiding spirit
Despite how i feel
I am in Gods presence
For i am following his path
The path he set for me
The path to His Eternal Kingdom.

A Prayer

 

Father, Hear my prayer
In my loneliness,
In my distance
Remind me that you are Lord.
...

Father
In my weakness
In my hollowness
Give me purpose
Lord
In my pain
In my terror
Bring me peace
Saviour
In my darkness
In my tunnel
Bring me light
Father
In my abandonment
In my confusion
Bring me acceptance
Lord
In my lostness
In my helplessness
Father please, bring me home
I ask all these and more
In the name of Jesus
And father i trust
You will meet my needs. 

The Light in the Darkness

Stars shimmer
The moon gleams
Shines of the
The surface of the sea.

The waves crashing
The sea roaring
Roaring in the dark...
Trying to consume

Consume and destroy.
But look to the Stars
Look to the Moon
They shall guide you

You through the Dark
The mystery of
Of the Moons light
just makes you stand in awe

The Night grows ever darker
But i am not afraid
For i look to the Moon and the stars

They bring comfort
For in there light
I see
See a glimpse of Gods beauty

This reminds me that
That in the darkest of
Of places
Light yet lives

Hope is found
Found in God
In his love
By his guiding light

Lord i thank thee
For giving the night sky
So i am reminded
That in the darkness
You light shines Eternal!!

The road to healing and restoration

 

Father God, i know you are there,
i know you hear my hearts cry,
You feel and share in my pain,
You are there helping me with this burden

This burden of Pain, Hurt and other emotions,
Which are resting on my weary soul,
These emotions and hurt are tearing me to shreds,...
Especially knowing the source of the hurt.

But when i come to you,
You give me strength to go on,
You give me wisdom to choose,
to be able to stay on your path.

The path you chose for me,
I know the path will be long,
It will be hard,
But you are there at my side.

In that comfort i know i can go on,
Although fir reasons known to you,
Complete surrender to you,
At this time i cannot do.

But in your perfect timing,
In obedience to you,
You will show me how,
How to give myself to you.

You will show me how,
How to let go of my emotional torment,
This Crushing Pain, and Hurt,
In your name i will be restored.

And with restoration, Healing also,
You will shape me to what you want me to be,
And i know it will be Good,
For all that comes from you is Good.

The Power of Worship

 

The darkness lifting,
The words of comfort surrounds
In the power of music,
Even the hardest of hearts will burst
...

Full of love, hope and joy
For the Lord our God,
The power of worship,
Can bring hope of Salvation
When the words grip,
The lyrics soothe
Then God will come,
And heal your broken soul
Maybe the time isn't right
Or maybe I'm not ready
All i know, All i feel
Is slight comfort, but nothing more
Healing and Salvation anew
Will certainly come
But when the heart and mind is ready
And when the will of God wishes it to be
All i can do is wait and ponder,
Ponder the gifts and strength given
To sustain me until then
Until all is right for me to,
For me to draw deeper in love,
And longing for you!

The Void

 

The dark void closes its grasps,
I have been set into its traps.
The loneliness and the pain engulfs me,
Until I'm nearly unrecognisable.
...

Day after day I'm struggling,
Choosing right from wrong,
Darkness is blinding,
The way out its Blocked.
There seems to be no escape

Memories swirl in torment
The past is with me
Yet i cannot hide from it
All i can do is accept them,
Accept and bear them
Or do I?

There is a way out
There is an escape
An undeniable hope

The hope found in Jesus
It gives me strength
Strength to go on
To fight the void
The darkness around

Until one day.
One day where victory,
Victory will come
But not in my own strength
But on God's

Without his love
I would not be here
Without his strength
Id have crumbled
But in his power
He has seen me through

And for this I am thankful
For this i know
I know  can go on
He will carry me
Carry me in the storm
For he will never leave

Despite it being so hard
Despite the darkness around
I know eventually
Eventually the power of Light will Shine!!

The Double sided Sword

 

Love is a double sided sword,
One is Rejection,
The other Accepted,
One gives Pain,
...

The other gives more.
Rejection can kill,
Accepted can blind,
One will take forever to get over,
The other you'll never forget.
It is all in the asking of the Question,
That dictates which strikes,
One will cripple,
The other will entrap.
Rejecting seems to follow,
Accepting always escapes me,
I'm losing faith in trying,
For the end is always the same,
Pain. Misery. Despair!

The Journey

 

Life is a journey, with an unknown destination,
from birth you alone and confused,
you spend you life searching for that you cant find.
Drifting through eternity, endlessly waiting.
...

You become lost and afraid,
looking in all the wrong places,
the answers are just at your fingertips,
but still out of reach.

In a fit of desperation, of hopelessness,
you distract yourself with earthly desires,
becoming lost in hollow pleasures.
These can never bring true happiness.

Yet there's a glimmer of hope,
while you still draw breath,
the answered behind the veil are revealed,
or become irrelevant,
depending on the question.

All questions lead to one true force,
The Savour of the World, God on High,
If you've searched carefully enough
You will find that in God you find what you seek.

He is your ultimate refuge, from the journey of life,
He guides and clarifies, yet without fully revealing,
the true majesty of His power,

For in God, your life is found, without forever lost.
So when the journey is slowing,
coming to a stop,
if you've found God,
you sure to be fulfilled forever,
if your not you'll be lost forevermore.

Life finally stops, your body still,
the ask yourself,
are you fulfilled or
Lost forevermore?

Just Hanging On

 

There are times where doubt overcome,
where you are engulfed by sin,
where pain and sorrow starts,
it starts to become all you know.
...

How can we get out,
where is the escape route?
how can i find it?
how long will it take?

Do i stand a chance?
or am i forever helpless?
and i doomed to be poor in spirit?
it seems its all for nothing.

Bu there i a blinding hope
Full of shame, and helplessness
i look to the Cross where Jesus died
all is forgiven, all is restored.

There is power in Jesus Name,
just we have to believe, and hope,
then we will find and see
You need to believe...

You may be on the brink of disaster,
or even submerged
you still have time to be rescued
just be patent, have faith
and all will be made right

Follow Jesus the best you can,
and you will be saved, restored, and forgiven
you cannot know true love and grace except that found,
that found in Jesus's name!!

Life....with or without?

 

Life comes with ups and downs,
Highs and lows,
good and bad,
right and wrong.
life and death,

it all seems meaningless,
so what's the point? ...
well we all have doubts, don't we?

Life is a gift, not a right,
Love conquers all,
not just an emotion.

God is our creator,
and creation bows to him,
so why don't we?

You may think if God exists,
how can evil?
i put to you,
how can love exist without God,
how can anything exist without him?

The meaning of life,
is to love and serve God
and with honour and grace
to do so for all the eternal days
in the wondrous presence
the presence of the Lord Our God
and our Savour Jesus Christ!!

For life Comes from God!!

 

When we are shown

 

When we are shown a love so great
when we are shown a love so pure
when we are shown such a rich love
when we are shown such a abundant love
we don't know how to react

when we are shown grace so big
when we are shown grace so large ...
when we are shown a changing grace
when we are shown a saving grace
we know not where to turn

God reveals all this to us,
and through this
we see this when we are shown
for he has given us
the way the truth and the life
Through Jesus Christ our lord!!

Even Though...

 

Even though you may feel abandoned,
Even though you may feel alone,
i want you to know,
there is someone there,
who will never let go!!

Even though your heart is broken,
Even though you may be torn ...
God is there,
waiting for you
he want to heal you

Just give him the chance and he will deliver,
God is behind the door to your heart
waiting and waiting for you to open the door!!
and when you do all those "even though"
will just melt away into nothingness!!

Daily struggles, long battle

 

Every day i am subject to
the same people harassing and bullying me,
Yet every day, i am strong enough to come back,
to face them, which brings a daily struggle.

Any good i do, people over look,
because there too busy in there ways,
yet they taunt and jeer at me, ...
not caring, not seeing what they do,
they do this at every chance they get,
Its horrible unfair, but that the way my life goes.

At home, i feel unwanted, unloved, uncared for,
i dread going back at the end of the day,
for i can have no refuge there,
i dread this as much as i dread school in the morn'
my life's a living nightmare, i wish it were a dream
so i can wake up,
yet i never is,
But im still determined
to go and see the raging battle through.

My rock is my faith,
for there i can find peace and refuge,
there i feel loved and cared for,
My God is the only one there for me all the time,
i long for the day he returns,
so then i can truly know happiness and peace.

These last few lines i say to you,
times may be tough,
but stay strong,
find a rock and cling onto it for dear life,
for without that you'll have nothing
and will wither away and die inside,
and become a living shell.

Jesus is an inspiration to my heart and soul

 

Father I thank you for all you have done for us
He takes away the fear suffering and sin.
Jesus is an inspiration to my heart and soul
I can never repay the debt I owe to you
Jesus light of the world
You have shown us the light which
I now follow
You protect me from evil ...
And keep me from harm’s way
When I am doubtful you give me hope
When I suffer you give me peace
You are the one I aspire to be!
You are my hope my saviour my friend
All I want is to meet you face to face
When I do I will be in complete awe of you!
You gave your all for me
You pour your love and grace over me which
I am grateful for but I am unclean and not worthy of these things let alone to be in your presence for all of eternity
But you give them willingly so I gracefully accept

 

 

 

Much needed rant.

I wonder sometimes how much people really care about me, and my troubles, even my family members. It doesn't help that due to being in the care system im not close to anyone, especially my Dad, who I struggle to build up a relationship with after he left us to the care system (not of his own will, but on the day, it felt like he was abandoning us (me and my younger brother and sister)) And since then I don't feel that he puts in much effort to help with this, and I feel that since ive come out in wanting to be a woman that my Dad has gotten worse with contact, and when I told him, he responded like he would respond to a friend and not to his eldest child, which hurt, especially after all that happened.

There are a couple of friends who I can tell anything to, and that I trust more than I do anyone else (and by a couple I really mean two) however one is always busy and can only message once a day, and the other I really only talk to in person, but that's once every few months, which really doesn't help at the moment, as I just feel more and more isolated and unwanted by people. As I try to message people and start conversations and some just ignore me and others just don't talk much, so I just feel like giving up with that, but at the same time, im always fooling myself by thinking and hoping that they will reply, however sometimes people do reply, but by that point I just fel so lonely and isolated, im not actually wanting to speak to people as I feel like theres no point to it (which is kinda contradictory I know but that's how I feel).

And more often than not, this has a massive effect on my mood, as nowdays, im feeling really vulnerable and emotionally unstable. Im constantly feeling depressed (I really hate saying that I am, but I cant say im not) and I can feel anxious about doing the smallest things, like answering the phone at times, or even just going out to get something I need. (if I have the money), also changes can make that worse unfortunately. Also im feeling stressed all of the time, which makes me tired a lot, however I cant sleep much or well in all honesty. Also im scare and feeling lost a lot, and im also scared that ill go back to self harming, which im terrified of doing as I hate it. But I know its something I could lapse back int, and I don't want to do so, and im honestly not sure I can afford to. Especially now ive nothing to do to fill my time, and that ive nowhere to be, I have no distractions from everything that im having to deal with, and that frightens me, as its only making things worse, and ive no idea what to do to fill my time and to distract myself. And it now being the Christmas season, im feeling lonelier and worse still.

I went to the doctors about all of this (the emotional side) and they gave me a coice of counselling, medication, or perhaps both, however, with the medication, ive always been against taking it, and only considering it due to how bad things are, especially as I feel im constantly losing a part of myself each day. and ive tried counselling before and it had limited to no effect, but its something that could work, and both together might but im not sure, and im not sure which is the right choice for myself to take. and in the state im in, its a decision I just cant make, and I already feel overwhelmed and stressed with everything as it is, let alone with this decision to make. I just feel like im lost at sea drowning and with no signs or hope of rescue, with the sea ever getting rougher, with storm clouds brewing over head. I just don't know what to do anymore. I cant give up, as there is no way of doing so, and I cant carry on as ive nothing else to give, but I cant stay were I am, as that will only worsen matters, so im out of options, and little time to decide, yet I have no workable options left.

Sorry for the rant again, I just needed to get my feelings out.