In the entirety of my life, I have had so many individual
painful and difficult events take place. The most painful and far reaching is
when I was abandoned, which has affected me in so many different ways, more
than I even know about.
Saying this, being withdraw from university, shipped off to
somewhere that I’ve no support base, friends, anyone I know, in this point in
my life, when honestly, I’ve never needed the help and support of friends
around me and nearby more is not helping me at all.
The problem is not that I have been withdrawn and put
somewhere I feel will be detrimental to my mental health, but it is much deeper
and far reaching than this. It is that these events and emotions that has and
is arising from that (including a sense of being abandoned in Cardigan) is
piling onto a mountain of anxiety, depression, years of unresolved issues,
which have caused the mess I’m in the first place, and the only reason (besides
faith) I’ve made it through all of what I have so far, is that I’ve had a goal
with a path to follow to get there.
I knew following the path would be difficult. But I never
expected it to be drawn from under my feet as it has been. Which has left me
lost and no idea what to do next or where to go from here. All I want to do
right now is just escape from it all. However, I know that that isn’t possible.
Throughout the time I spent at university, I needed a lot more support than I got,
partly that was my fault for not fully engaging with the support the university
was offering, but that wasn’t going to be enough, which is why I struggled to
engage. What I needed was a good friend base to help me through, which through
different events like being kicked out of a group, or being massively mis-understood
to the point of not knowing what happened in the friendship, I wasn’t able to
build one, with those events setting me back months of working on my mental
health and contributing to my failed uni attempt. Not to say that I blame those
people for what happened because I don’t, I am just being honest with how
things happened, and the fault of what happened ultimately lies with me,
although I don’t blame myself as I just wasn’t ready at this point in my life.
But uni hasn’t left me unchanged, apart from the student
debt, and my overdraft being maxed, uni has given some positives, such as the
wonderful people I have managed (without really knowing how or why) to befriend
which I really appreciate. Although right now that I don’t think will be enough
to get me through this.
In all honesty im not sure what will get me through, as I don’t
know what to do to get through this period in my life, I have no goal or plan, I
need to improve my mental health sure, but that will need a lot of work and
will take months or years. And doesn’t help me not knowing what to do, also if I
could manage my mental health I wouldn’t be in this mess. For once I don’t see
a path forward, yes, I still have the same goals, but at the moment they seem
unreachable with no idea how to reach them.
Which is honestly why I often feel so depressed now days,
more so than usual, the pain of everything that has happened is suffocating at
times, it has bought me to bouts of
crying on a few occasions, such as just before writing this post (which is why I
felt the need to write this). Also I would be lying if I have given serious
thought to self-harming once again thankfully so far I haven’t but the thoughts
are there and ones im afraid will eventually win out. Earlier I mentioned I want
to escape things, so naturally I have thought about ending things, however,
there are two main reasons (amongst others) stopping me, one is that it seems
too painful and messy, if I did id want a quick pain free end. But secondly, I couldn’t
cause the pain that would cause those who care about me, as I really would
rather not end my pain by causing more amongst those I care about. Another
reason is mostly an aspect of my character, im too stubborn to just give in. Anyway,
despite this, it wouldn’t be honest if I say it hasn’t crossed my mind
especially now.
Everyone is saying that I can get through this, and ive been
through worse. But honestly, I still have a lot of what ive been through in my
distant past still to deal with, let alone more recent, as ive never really
found a way to have properly dealt with it, and im not even sure what it would
mean to deal with it all. Also, as I mentioned earlier, my faith and having a
path to follow helped with that. Now although not gone, my faith is greatly
diminished. And as for a path to follow, that has been destroyed and I feel
lost in a chasm of darkness, with this weird feeling of hollowness yet pain
inside of me, and its all I can do to distract myself from it when cooking,
which I can’t do often as I seldom have the finances to do it in my new place. Which
I hate.
It has been suggested that I chose cooking as a career path,
but I think that would be a grave mistake as it is currently the one thing I have
that actually helps even for a little bit, to do that as a job with destroy what
it is to me now, which is much more valuable to me, along with the fact that I don’t
think it’s the right fit for me, although right now I don’t think I could cope
with holding any job.
So there is a glimpse in what is happening in my mind, and
my emotions right now. For those who are interested.
Im am sorry it is so dark, it isn’t meant to be easy to
read, or to have any real purpose beside filling my need to vent this, and if anything,
else comes from it then that’s great, but the core and only reason I have
written this is because I needed to get it out.
I hope your all well anyway.
Massive hugs to all
Natalie Xxxxx
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