How?

Lonliness crushing my heart like a vice,
Joined with depression and anxiety too,
No matter how hard I try,
I cannot keep the pain inside,

Pain from abandonment,
From many different times,
Pain from the gaping,
Gaping failure that is my life,
Pain from reminders of,
Of everything I've lost.
I can't hold it in much longer.

Even now as tears fall,
As my cries escape,
I try to keep it all inside,
All bottled up,
Not only out of fear,
But because if I don't,
I don't know how I'd move on from it,
Not with my life as it is now.

Isolation is creeping in,
Some accidental,
Some not my fault,
And some just my depression
Depressession getting in the way.

And now,
Seeing post in Facebook,
About the start of uni,
Honestly,
That makes things harder still,
And makes my failures,
Failure over keeping
Keeping the pain at bay,
And letting the depressession win.

All this crushes me,
Deeper that I can express,
Deeper than I know.
Whilst I sit in the dark and alone,
I ask myself,
How can I move on from this?
How can I be free from my past?
How can I be free of this pain?

I do not wish to erase the past,
But just to stop it's influence,
Influence on my life now,
And with little support,
Little hope,
How to achieve this,
I just don't know how.

I just don't know how....

Crushed by Fear

Life moves slowly by,
As I'm frozen,
Trapped in my own fear,
Whilst life just passes me by.

Failure upon Failure,
Rejection on Rejection,
My hope is dwindling,
That I can engage once again.

But fear,
Fear traps me,
Unable to engage,
With myself or others.

Afraid of my emotions,
Emotions and connections,
I don't know how to,
How to connect with my emotions,

Few things of which I am sure,
My past ever haunts me,
As much as I try,
I don't know how to deal.

My inability to deal,
Has ruined opportunities,
Opportunities and freindships,
Which is why I keep,
Keep a distance from both.

So due to all this,
Lonliness is ever present,
With Anxiety and depression,
Which is crushing,
Crushing me from the inside out.

Being crushed along with other big changes,
And all my emotional baggage,
Is rooting me in place,
Leave me afraid,
Afraid of losing freinds,
Aswell as being afraid of myself.

How to overcome this,
I do not know,
But help I am seeking,
And the freinds I do have,
I am ever grateful to have,
Even though I'm afraid,
Afraid my fear might drive them away.

My biggest fear,
Besides being abandoned by,
By those closest to me,
Is that I will never get over this fear,
Which will leave me,
Forever trapped.

My family as all but left me,
My freinds are all I have,
But if I can't be fully open,
Open with my self,
And engage with my problems,
Then how can I do it,
To those freinds,
Who mean so much to me?

As but not doing so,
My fear is,
If I remain distant to my freinds,
Is the question,
Will I be left,
Left alone in the darkness of my fear?

Written by
Natalie
Xxx