But to Endure

The longer I walk,

The longer I travel,

The deeper I repress,

The more tired I become,

And my emotions,

Finally catch up with me.

 

Everywhere I look,

Rubbish is all I see,

Trash piled high,

With no energy,

To even know where,

Where a clean-up can begin.

 

Help, I know, is needed,

And progress was being made,

But due to current circumstances,

Help is nowhere to be seen,

And panic has finally set in.

 

Panic, of not knowing how,

How to move forward,

How to make progress,

How to stop this downward spiral.

 

I feel so isolated,

I feel so alone,

In the depths of my trash,

In the depths of my Darkness,

Where no light can be found.

 

Human contact is barely a thing,

People occasionally,

Pop up to say hello,

And recommend a meet up (socially distanced)

But little do they know,

The thought of social distancing,

More Panic, it does instil.

 

Currently, messaging is all,

All I am comfortable doing,

But rarely messages come,

With lately being lucky to,

To have a small conversation,

Every other day,

So with my isolation,

These small (but still apricated)

Infrequent messaging,

All this does is

 Is to Fan the fires of those flames.

 

Knowing how to cope,

How to come forward,

With things as they currently are,

I know not,

That same can be said of the Panic,

The panic which I must try,

Try to escape.

 

Upon reading this,

I know what people will say,

How they’re likely to respond,

To say im not alone,

And not to give in,

Whist these are well intentioned,

They further to Fanning the flames,

Flames of my emotions.

 

I need to find a way,

A way to endure,

Until the time is safe,

Safe enough to move forwards,

Safe enough to seek the help I need,

But until then,

I can but Endure.

Written by

Natalie (myself) 

Hugs to all xx

Faith through Darkness

Even in darkness, beauty can be found,
In the depths of darkness, light can shine,
The grace of God, brings how when there is none,
Through faith, you can push onwards,
Until God brings you into the light.

Darkness still surrounds me,
Yet my hope in God,
My Hope in light,
Has not been extinguished,
I refuse, Refuse to let,
Let the darkness defeat me.

The love of God sustains,
Sustains and strengthens me.
Often I do not notice, but,
Looking back, into the depths of despair,
I know that without God,
Here I would not be.

The fight it far, far from over,
Years could pass before peace finally,
Finally comes, but,
With my faith in God,
I know, in the end,
My faith in God will see me through,
Through the darkness and into the light


Natalie x

Show me light

Oh lord my God,

Hear my prayer,

Hear my cry,

Draw near to me in comfort,

And bathe me in your love and Grace

My spark is faltering,

Hope is fading,

Desperate for this depression to end,

Desperate to draw close to you

Father I need you,

Bring me Hope

Show me light,

Through the Darkness that surrounds

Lord come again,

To live in me,

To Guide, strengthen, and

To gold me

Lord I need you.

I, a broken,

Painfilled, hollow shell,

Pray that you my God,

Accept, redeem and restore,

Restore me to what I can be.

For too long Darkness has been,

Benn all around,

Draining me,

Breaking me,

Please Lord, restore me.

Bring me joy once again in my heart,

Show me love, Show me peace

Teach me how to move on,

Teach me How to follow you.

Lord my heart yearns,

My Spirit Calls,

For you to draw near,

And to light the path,

Light the path out of this Darkness!

The incoming tide

The dam is breaking.

The pain swelling,

The panic setting,

Tears flowing,

With no way to cope.

Isolated, 

Scared,

Scared of self harming,

Which grows greater,

Greater each day that passes,

As my internal struggles grow....

The walls around my pain are crumbling,

With nothing to keep them in place,

With each day I grow uncertain,

I’ll make it through,

Through this crisis in one piece....

I know that the isolation is important;

Yet it is draining my ability,

Ability to go on. 

The little strength I had before,

Is leaving before my very eyes,

Yet I know that, 

That it’s important to keep the isolation,

But at a terrible price to me...:

This may seem selfish,

And I feel awful for feeling this way,

Yet as the pain,

Unfelt and undealt with pain,

Years of it stored inside.

Starting to rise...

With not being prepared,

Or any way to cope with it at all, 

I just know, this ,

This won’t end well at all,

And that,

Terrifies me...

I just wish I knew how to see past this,

Not knowing how long it’ll last for....

I just don’t want to be,

Be washed away,

Along with this incoming tide...:

An update in rant form

So it’s been a while since I have done a blog post so I thought I’d write an update with how things are currently (this is adapted from a rant I sent to a freind, and thought I may aswell adapt it for my blog and give everyone who’s interested an update)

I’ve honestly been feeling more exhausted than usual recently and no obvious reason why. Which isn’t fun. But I expect some of it is down to added emotional stuff that’s been happening. And the emotional drain of it.

 First of all I’m honestly really struggling and really fucking frustrated by how long the NHS is taking in transitioning. And it’s not like I can do it privately as that’ll cost more than I have. But it’s really fucking hard having to wait so long when I’m becoming increasingly uncomfortable with body. I’m probably going to speak with my support worker about chasing things up with the doctor soon. I want to make some progress this year as that’ll also help with other feelings I’m having too.

But yeah it kills me that it’s taking to long, and the effect that is having with everything else, all of which I’ve talked about before. I’m not saying I expected it to be over by now. But I definitely wanted more progress by now and it’s disheartening that it hasn’t yet. But I do know that it will one day. But it still doesn’t help with how difficult it is now.

I’ve also been feeling stuck emotionally recently with no clear way forward, and been feeling like more of a failure recently (more so than ever before tbh) for lack of progress with my depression and how that has caused so much destruction since it fully emerged. And I just want it to be gone so I can move forward in my life. Especially as although I have made a little progress with a couple of things, I’m far behind where I want to be and where I should be by now and recently that has been massively bothering me tbh. And I hate it. As honestly I usually don’t think about it. But with the new year and people sharing stuff about their last decade, it bought it up. And although I know its not something that I could have helped much. Also I know that I’m not a failure, I can’t help feeling it atm and that bothers me. 

Also I have been and will continue to make take steps to get help with this and will continue too, it’s just taking a while and has been difficult and complicated so far.

Also I know I have friends. And I love and appreciate them. They’re often busy  and some of them I don’t hear from that often (from a few days to what could be weeks or months although I can’t say I’m always the most reliable on replying either so I realised this is a bit hypocritical) (Also with one in particular I am worried about damage I might have caused by something stupid I did earlier this year, it doesn’t seem like it but I’m not sure and my anxiety isn’t helping with wondering there) it has all been difficult. And they also have things going on too which I always do my best to respect, it’s just not always easy especially when my depression etc is really bad) Also this is not a criticism of them, not in the least, it’s just a rant about my internal thoughts and part paranoia, and I massively love and appreciate all my friends)

Now I don’t expect them to be available 24/7 but I honestly thought I had enough friends that I could at least meet up with someone for a bit most days. But as it is, there is 3 days a week where I see people in person, the rest of the time I’m isolated in my flat so tbh my own thoughts and occasional messaging which most of my friends struggle with. Especially prolonged conversations. Which I don’t hold against them, I just find it difficult (also doesn’t help that I’m not the best at them either)

Also I am baffled about why they’re friends with me in the first place but that’s a different insecurity to deal with. 

And due to anxiety I massively struggle to meet new people so I won’t go to new things especially alone. Which is why I don’t venture out to new events. And try to find new friends. It’s hard especially as I struggle to trust new people.

But I do wish I didn’t feel so alone, helpless and vulnerable all the time.

Also one thing I’ve been thinking about is that I want to find someone to have a relationship with. However I’m also not sure I’m ready for that, also more fundamentally I can’t imagine finding someone that I like that would be reciprocal, as it’s not something I have any real experience with tbh. And it is something I do massively struggle with. And honestly makes other decisions I have to make harder tbh. Especially as one thing I want is biological children one day, but they’re is so many problems with that. And something I’d never do alone. Or could ever do alone. But I also want to go through the surgeries as soon as possible. I know I could store stuff, but it really isn’t cheap and I can’t afford that, also it would only last 5 years and that won’t give enough time. So it’s something I honestly don’t know what to think on. As it’s extremely fucking difficult and I’ve no clue what to do about it. 

But with that aside I still want to meet someone as although I know it won’t be easy, or even answer many questions, I do think it’ll help too. And is something I really want. But again I don’t see how that’ll happen, especially in the next few years but meh. Also dating sites are useless tbh, and kinda make you feel worse. But meh.

I just wish things were easier and clearer and that I didn’t have to deal with even half the stuff I do. As honestly I still have childhood issues to sort it or at least learn to live with and minimise the effects. Especially when it comes to feelings of abandonment and all the issues around that (especially with self confidence) and I need to learn how to reconnect with emotions properly tbh. Especially with the impact that has on me and my friendships (and any future relationships (which is why despite wanting one I don’t think I’m ready, it’s frustrating and confusing))

There is a lot I need to do mental health wise too. 

There is just a lot and dealing with it all (even just what’s in this snapshot) is frustrating, and recently especially around Christmas and New Years (which also made certain things worse tbh (also made me miss being part of a family more than usual tbh) has been massively difficult, and yesterday things intensified even more than usual, and aren’t that great now. And it’s frustrating tbh. Not to say I didn’t have good things happen and I appreciate the friends I saw and was with over Christmas and New Years and that’s massively helped and is very much appreciated, but that doesn’t mean I find the period easy, and this is a rant about why and just general things I’ve been struggling with 

Sorry for the long and difficult rant tbh. I don’t really expect so much to come out tbh. And I know I need professional help for most of this. I’m just l ranting about the main issues.

Massive hugs, and a massive thanks for all who read this. (I  don’t understand why you would tbh but meh) thanks it’s appreciated massively. And sorry for how depressing this is, and how long.

Hugs and thanks for reading. And hope that your all doing well and feel free to post comments and ask any questions.

Hugs. 

Also one good thing that I am happy about last year, is that I changed my LEGAL name and gender last year (and have the ID to match too, which I am happy and relieved about. 

Hugs to all

Natalie xxxx