Unwelcome and Alone

I had hoped this year would be different,

As it started so optimistically,

Despite world events,

Progress was being made,

But a long prolonged lockdown,

And living in almost isolation,

As worn me down,

Down further than I think,

I think I even realise, 

Then bad news came,

In an unexpected and unwelcome form,

That also dragged up ghosts,

Ghost and memories of events from long ago,

Memories I try to keep repressed.

This, with everything else stalling,

Or not going to plan,

Derailed my mental health,

And has drained my energy levels,

To lows I hate to be at.

Hopes of being more active,

Improving my diet,

And focusing on non mental health events,

Is what I was hoping to make progress on,

Yet,

Here I am,

Fighting the same battles,

Battles I have been fighting,

For the last 20 years,

And I honestly feel like,

Like I’m failing.

And living alone.

With little to keep me,

Keep my from these swirling,

Swirling, dangerous thoughts and memories,

Besides only surface distractions,

I only grow more and more exhausted,

And wishing I wasn’t so,

So alone, tired, and depressed,

My hope,

Moving forward.

Is that the depression wish fade,

The exhaustion would fade,

And I can start focus on,

On the positive in life once again,

And to not feel,

Feel so Alone.

By

Natalie (myself)

Xx