Afraid, and Alone

Unloved, uncared for,

Are emotions that,

That constantly haunt me,

All stemming from,

From the fateful day, 

In which my family abandoned me,

And left me to be, 

Afraid and alone.

Since that day,

Often I’ve felt rejected.

Rejected and alone

And foster care,

And past friendships,

Has only reinforced this.

I know, in my mind,

That my friends,

Friend’s currently in my life, 

Do care, and don’t reject me,

But my heart and emotions,

Are forever in conflict with this,

Always asking,

Asking “until when?”

This is why,

Why I’m constantly afraid,

That my friend’s will leave,

And abandon me, 

Like many have in the past;

As abandonment is my biggest,

Biggest fear and downward spiral,

And I’m afraid that this fear,

Causes me more harm than good.

Also, not only in friendships,

But in crushes,

All I’ve ever know is rejection,

In one form or another,

So with, 

With my already fragile self esteem,

And body issues.

This also just makes me feel,

That I’ll forever be alone.

I wish, I wish,

That I could see hope,

In both of these,

But looking forward to the future,

All I see is pain,

Pain from the past,

Ever repeating,

And that lack of hope,

Sends me ever deeper,

Deeper into the downwards spiral.

I do hope,

Hope and pray,

That one day this will change,

Even though,

How, I do not see,

I hope to have,

Have reason to hope once again.

Until then,

All I can do,

I’d hope that I’ll not be,

Forever alone.

Written by

Natalie (myself) xx

Reflections

So, as I write this, it is 10 days before I turn 28, which has come around far too quickly, as it seems like it was yesterday, I turned 27, yet it also feels like an age.

It being my birthday coming up, I have been more reflective of late, and honestly, although I appreciate my friends, and that I have the basics I need to live, I’m far from happy, I feel low all the time, with a mix of depression, anxiety, and wishing my transition wasn’t taking so long on the medical side (although the last year a decent amount has progress has been made, and currently waiting on HRT referrals etc), along with associated issues, along with a feeling of discontent, unfulfilled, and honestly like a failure, as I’m nowhere close to where I want to be in life. By now I would have at least have wished I had a masters degree, and working on a PhD, but I couldn’t make it past the first year at university, due to poor mental health leading to almost non-existent engagement with my course at the time, although despite how hard that was, I don’t regret going, as I wouldn’t have met some of my closest friends today without going to Lampeter and doing the degree when I did, I just wish I was able to complete it, but I haven’t been able to yet, I hope to one day, so I haven’t quite given up hope, although net time round will be harder to get into a uni for many reasons, but that’s a long way into the future.

 

But yeah, I didn’t think I’d be an overweight 28-year-old trans woman, anxious living in a bedsit flat (made worse by neighbours), that I struggle to upkeep due to the long-term effects of the depression has left me constantly exhausted, making everyday tasks use a lot of energy, and on benefits, trying to seek help with mental health, so I can move on with my life, and to make it worse, things happen to be in a constant cycle, and I’m fucking sick of it all. And worst of all, although I do still have my faith that has gotten me through a lot, its only a small ember right now, and is being smothered by the exhaustion of the constant onslaught of my mental health wearing me down, and I’m afraid of what the future will bring,

 

Also, living alone for the past couple of years hasn’t been easy, especially in the middle of a pandemic, is has been draining, and has had a negative effect, and has made me miss being part of a family, even more than usual, and doesn’t help that the friends I have, I’ve not been able to see regularly, and messaging is hard for a lot of them, and I’m not always the best at replying, so that doesn’t help things, so I am feeling more alone than ever right now, and I had hoped, If I hadn’t settled with anyone by now, I’d have some relationship experience by now, but thus far, everyone I’ve been interested in so far, and expressed as such, none have returned them (one not even getting a response from), so I only have a series of rejection, which totally taps into my childhood trauma of being abandoned, which is having a massive impact, (along with dysphoria, and my weight and fitness, as well as my general lack of progress), on my self-esteem, which is paying a big part in writing this rant-y essay.

 

Looking to the future is hard, as at the moment, it is hard to imagine life being easier or better, but I still hope that one day it will be, that I will find a partner, go back to uni, have some sort of family, and a stronger support system than I have now, although I deeply appreciate what I have, I need, and would like a more consistent group, in the future, not to replace what  have now, but an  improved version of what I have now, in terms of a support group.

 

So yeah, all of this and more is going on through my mind as I am approaching my birthday, which honestly is why I generally focus on making plans for my birthdays, not because I’m trying to be self-centred, but because I need the comfort, support, and distractions of being around friends, as I enter into the next year of my life, and without the support I do get from my friends I wouldn’t be where I am now so I am incredibly grateful to them. And I hope that some progress, and burdens lessen over the next year, and that next year I will have some reasons to be more hopeful about the future than I am currently. And honestly more than anything, aside from finding a partner, and family, and the obvious, what I’m craving right now, is a hug and more consistency with friends.

 

Anyway, thanks for reading this, and feel free engage with this post if you wish, and I know people will say that a lot of this is unfounded, and I shouldn’t feel this or that, and though I appreciate the sentiment, its not going to change how I feel, and that is why, with help, I am seeking mental health support, it’s just taking a long time, but hopefully one day ill get there.

Also, I’m not trying to criticise my friends, as they are busy and have their own lives too, and I know, acknowledge, respect and accept that, but this is my thoughts on this right now, at almost 2am, when my depression isn’t letting me sleep, and I’ve not seen a friend in around a month, and not likely to until 10 days’ time, so I’m feeling  more down, and isolated than usual, and I am writing this to vent somewhere instead of botting too much in side, so this small outburst of my inner thoughts and reflections I feel I needed to vent on.

 

Anyways, thanks again for reading, and I hope your all well,

Hugs, and love to all,

Natalie Xxx

Cycles

Everywhere I look,

Life prevails,

In people’s Daily tasks,

Special Occasions,

Memorable moments,

Both happy and sad,

Both so small, and so life changing,

Vast diversity is all around.

 

Yet, all of this,

Makes me question,

Why, oh Why,

So, I feel both Hollow, and pain?

Why do I feel I cannot...

Not break free,

Free of this:

Ever worsening,

Ever draining,

Exhausting,

Cycle?

 

Yet, yes, another yet,

Even though my mental health is a daily struggle,

Even though I get set back more often than id like,

Within is a stubbornness,

Within in a Spark,

A spark of hope resides,

A spark of life hides,

Waiting out the ever-draining storms,

Waiting for the day,

The day I am free of this storm,

Free of this Cycle

 

And I Hope, and I pray, that this day comes soon…

 

Written By:-

Natalie (myself), hugs to all  xxx

Unwelcome and Alone

I had hoped this year would be different,

As it started so optimistically,

Despite world events,

Progress was being made,

But a long prolonged lockdown,

And living in almost isolation,

As worn me down,

Down further than I think,

I think I even realise, 

Then bad news came,

In an unexpected and unwelcome form,

That also dragged up ghosts,

Ghost and memories of events from long ago,

Memories I try to keep repressed.

This, with everything else stalling,

Or not going to plan,

Derailed my mental health,

And has drained my energy levels,

To lows I hate to be at.

Hopes of being more active,

Improving my diet,

And focusing on non mental health events,

Is what I was hoping to make progress on,

Yet,

Here I am,

Fighting the same battles,

Battles I have been fighting,

For the last 20 years,

And I honestly feel like,

Like I’m failing.

And living alone.

With little to keep me,

Keep my from these swirling,

Swirling, dangerous thoughts and memories,

Besides only surface distractions,

I only grow more and more exhausted,

And wishing I wasn’t so,

So alone, tired, and depressed,

My hope,

Moving forward.

Is that the depression wish fade,

The exhaustion would fade,

And I can start focus on,

On the positive in life once again,

And to not feel,

Feel so Alone.

By

Natalie (myself)

Xx

But to Endure

The longer I walk,

The longer I travel,

The deeper I repress,

The more tired I become,

And my emotions,

Finally catch up with me.

 

Everywhere I look,

Rubbish is all I see,

Trash piled high,

With no energy,

To even know where,

Where a clean-up can begin.

 

Help, I know, is needed,

And progress was being made,

But due to current circumstances,

Help is nowhere to be seen,

And panic has finally set in.

 

Panic, of not knowing how,

How to move forward,

How to make progress,

How to stop this downward spiral.

 

I feel so isolated,

I feel so alone,

In the depths of my trash,

In the depths of my Darkness,

Where no light can be found.

 

Human contact is barely a thing,

People occasionally,

Pop up to say hello,

And recommend a meet up (socially distanced)

But little do they know,

The thought of social distancing,

More Panic, it does instil.

 

Currently, messaging is all,

All I am comfortable doing,

But rarely messages come,

With lately being lucky to,

To have a small conversation,

Every other day,

So with my isolation,

These small (but still apricated)

Infrequent messaging,

All this does is

 Is to Fan the fires of those flames.

 

Knowing how to cope,

How to come forward,

With things as they currently are,

I know not,

That same can be said of the Panic,

The panic which I must try,

Try to escape.

 

Upon reading this,

I know what people will say,

How they’re likely to respond,

To say im not alone,

And not to give in,

Whist these are well intentioned,

They further to Fanning the flames,

Flames of my emotions.

 

I need to find a way,

A way to endure,

Until the time is safe,

Safe enough to move forwards,

Safe enough to seek the help I need,

But until then,

I can but Endure.

Written by

Natalie (myself) 

Hugs to all xx

Faith through Darkness

Even in darkness, beauty can be found,
In the depths of darkness, light can shine,
The grace of God, brings how when there is none,
Through faith, you can push onwards,
Until God brings you into the light.

Darkness still surrounds me,
Yet my hope in God,
My Hope in light,
Has not been extinguished,
I refuse, Refuse to let,
Let the darkness defeat me.

The love of God sustains,
Sustains and strengthens me.
Often I do not notice, but,
Looking back, into the depths of despair,
I know that without God,
Here I would not be.

The fight it far, far from over,
Years could pass before peace finally,
Finally comes, but,
With my faith in God,
I know, in the end,
My faith in God will see me through,
Through the darkness and into the light


Natalie x

Show me light

Oh lord my God,

Hear my prayer,

Hear my cry,

Draw near to me in comfort,

And bathe me in your love and Grace

My spark is faltering,

Hope is fading,

Desperate for this depression to end,

Desperate to draw close to you

Father I need you,

Bring me Hope

Show me light,

Through the Darkness that surrounds

Lord come again,

To live in me,

To Guide, strengthen, and

To gold me

Lord I need you.

I, a broken,

Painfilled, hollow shell,

Pray that you my God,

Accept, redeem and restore,

Restore me to what I can be.

For too long Darkness has been,

Benn all around,

Draining me,

Breaking me,

Please Lord, restore me.

Bring me joy once again in my heart,

Show me love, Show me peace

Teach me how to move on,

Teach me How to follow you.

Lord my heart yearns,

My Spirit Calls,

For you to draw near,

And to light the path,

Light the path out of this Darkness!