Hey all, I created this so I can vent all my thoughts and feelings without people on Facebook complaining at me for "attention seeking" this is just so I can unload all of what bothers me somewhere which I desperately need. (I've been meaning to do this for a while)
My first thought is just how lonely I am right now, so I end up messaging people on Facebook to try to help with that, but in all honestly people barely replies, and only one person replies regularly to my messages, which only deepens the feeling especially as I've just recently been withdrawn from college as I was off a lot due to illness and depression, so I've no where to go and nothing to do right now, so Facebook and texting (as well as church and homegroup (a weekly bible study group)) are pretty much the only times I get to socialise, and talk to people, however this doesn't help with the loneliness which is almost crushing. which unfortunately doesn't help with other things im having to deal with at the moment.
Which leads me onto my next point, which is that although I was born as a male biologically, I feel that I should be female, but unfortunately due to lack of clothes and other essentials (and money) I need to be able to be myself, I cant be myself that much which I find really difficult as I hate being a guy so much having to live as one despite not being one at heart is really difficult to cope with, yes I know one day I will be able to, it will be a long hard struggle to get there, which is something I'm not strong enough for right now. especially seeing as I've been suffering with (and still am) depression since 2008 (and other emotional difficulties from undealt experiences from my past). Although I know that one day I will be able to be the woman I truly am. however unfortunately this has driven a couple of friends away from me when I came out with this, (being transgender) including a former best friend. which has made life all the more difficult, however I can understand why they did, as they are a Christian, (as am I) however I don't feel that stopping a friendship or relationship over this is actually a good or fair way to handle it, whether you feel it is right or not.
This kind of leads me to my next point, how this conflicts with my own faith, and what I have learned during these initial stages of finding my true self. I suppose all my life I I wanted to be female, I never fit in with the males at school, and ive mainly always felt more comfortable with women, which on its own may be nothing, however one thing ive always wanted (which is next to impossible at the moment) Is to become a mother one day, by becoming pregnant (etc). Also Ive always had a fascination with the female body, clothes etc which at first I didn't think to much about, and thought it was just attraction, but thinking upon this further (more recently) it was a longing to be female that I was feeling. (although the longing to wear female clothes happened when I was 15, and I used to experiment with my foster sisters clothes, which is something I'm still ashamed of) And this lead me to struggles within myself, about what I believed and what society expects of people, which taken a long time, and in all honesty I still wonder.
These struggles were that as a Christian, being a transgender, doesn't fit in with the bible, as it it can be seen that im saying that God has made a mistake, (as has been pointed out to me a couple of times and why im scared certain people from church will find this out and why I wont go to church as myself where I live) and that in Leviticus God it says that you cant wear the clothes of the other gender.
So I ended up pondering these arguments and researching into them and ive come to believe that with what Leviticus says, that the purpose was to stop either gender from dressing as the opposite gender to escape duties they had to perform as their gender. and not to stop people who really honestly believe that they are meant to be another sex. so that is an argument that I feel doesn't have validity to be used against transgender people, the next one, about saying and become another gender is like "slapping God in the face" (words actually used against me) and is like saying he made a mistake, is something which is more difficult and something im still pondering. however so far what ive come up with is that God has created us, and God loves us more than we can ever know, also we know that from the bible, God tests us, shapes and remakes us, and I believe that with transgender people such as myself, and others (especially those who are Christians) that this is a way that God remakes us, as it is not something that simply goes away, or we can fight, but it is a part of who we are as people, and that in transitioning and become a female (in my case) I believe that I will be a happier and more content person and more ready and able to do the work God has lain out for me, and live the life that God has planned. As I am a child of God, and he will not abandon me. and I believe this is God turning me into who I need to become, and that its not about saying God has made a mistake but that I'm trusting in God that he has made to be be like this, and that God has done this so in this process I learn to trust God more, and to follow his will for myself. As I believe this is a part of it.
Also I don't get that whilst the Church believes and preaches on Love, kindness, patience, gentleness, and not judging others, (as God is the only judge), they often condemn others and believe they are better and "holier" than others just because they do everything the bible says, and live good lives, and are "Christians" which is utter nonsense as at the heart of Christianity is the relationship with God, which is the most important part of being a Christian, and everything else come out from this. Which is something the Jews of Jesus's got wrong, as they surrounded themselves in the "law" and being "righteous" and not about God, and it is something the church as a whole is getting wrong now. They need to stop judging others and really look at themselves and their standing with God. As whether being a transgender and wanting to be female is right by God or not, isn't their business its between me and God, and despite whichever it is, I don't believe that it makes me any less of a Christian, or a person for it. For all that matters is my relationship with God!
Sorry for the rant on Christian ideals ect there, its just that to myself as a Christian, being transgender and being a Christian are interlinked, and I just needed to air out my thoughts and feelings on both,
Also at the moment I am feeling completely lost, as I have no idea what to do, as I cant be myself all the time as I want, but more importantly I don't have anything to do, and even if I did get a job, due to my depression I couldn't hold one down, so I really don't know what to do to fill my time until I sit my AS levels resits as a private student, and re applying to do my A2's in the next academic year. and im scared about how things will turn out with all of this, as everything depended on me being in education, so the future scares me in all honesty, it looks uncertain and dark, and with everything else weighing down on my soldiers and having not had a rest from dealing and coping with difficulties for years, im just wondering how the future will faire, and that scares me as it looks bleak, and im struggling as it is, and I'm weary of it all. And ive just no idea what to do.
And sorry to those of you who have read this, as its not exactly the best or most interesting blog entry in the world, and I thank you for reading it, I hope your all ok, and again sorry for the ranting nature of this post, and just a warning to you, this will be the nature of a lot of my posts (unless it a poem I wrote etc)
Sorry.
And I hope that all is well with you all :) *hugs*
Natalie Xxxx
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