I wonder sometimes how much people really care about me, and my troubles, even my family members. It doesn't help that due to being in the care system im not close to anyone, especially my Dad, who I struggle to build up a relationship with after he left us to the care system (not of his own will, but on the day, it felt like he was abandoning us (me and my younger brother and sister)) And since then I don't feel that he puts in much effort to help with this, and I feel that since ive come out in wanting to be a woman that my Dad has gotten worse with contact, and when I told him, he responded like he would respond to a friend and not to his eldest child, which hurt, especially after all that happened.
There are a couple of friends who I can tell anything to, and that I trust more than I do anyone else (and by a couple I really mean two) however one is always busy and can only message once a day, and the other I really only talk to in person, but that's once every few months, which really doesn't help at the moment, as I just feel more and more isolated and unwanted by people. As I try to message people and start conversations and some just ignore me and others just don't talk much, so I just feel like giving up with that, but at the same time, im always fooling myself by thinking and hoping that they will reply, however sometimes people do reply, but by that point I just fel so lonely and isolated, im not actually wanting to speak to people as I feel like theres no point to it (which is kinda contradictory I know but that's how I feel).
And more often than not, this has a massive effect on my mood, as nowdays, im feeling really vulnerable and emotionally unstable. Im constantly feeling depressed (I really hate saying that I am, but I cant say im not) and I can feel anxious about doing the smallest things, like answering the phone at times, or even just going out to get something I need. (if I have the money), also changes can make that worse unfortunately. Also im feeling stressed all of the time, which makes me tired a lot, however I cant sleep much or well in all honesty. Also im scare and feeling lost a lot, and im also scared that ill go back to self harming, which im terrified of doing as I hate it. But I know its something I could lapse back int, and I don't want to do so, and im honestly not sure I can afford to. Especially now ive nothing to do to fill my time, and that ive nowhere to be, I have no distractions from everything that im having to deal with, and that frightens me, as its only making things worse, and ive no idea what to do to fill my time and to distract myself. And it now being the Christmas season, im feeling lonelier and worse still.
I went to the doctors about all of this (the emotional side) and they gave me a coice of counselling, medication, or perhaps both, however, with the medication, ive always been against taking it, and only considering it due to how bad things are, especially as I feel im constantly losing a part of myself each day. and ive tried counselling before and it had limited to no effect, but its something that could work, and both together might but im not sure, and im not sure which is the right choice for myself to take. and in the state im in, its a decision I just cant make, and I already feel overwhelmed and stressed with everything as it is, let alone with this decision to make. I just feel like im lost at sea drowning and with no signs or hope of rescue, with the sea ever getting rougher, with storm clouds brewing over head. I just don't know what to do anymore. I cant give up, as there is no way of doing so, and I cant carry on as ive nothing else to give, but I cant stay were I am, as that will only worsen matters, so im out of options, and little time to decide, yet I have no workable options left.
Sorry for the rant again, I just needed to get my feelings out.
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