Thoughts and Reflections

This past year for me has been really difficult, for various reasons I’m about to go into. I’ve also had this constant struggle battling to just keep my head above the water. To keep myself from drowning, but honestly, I feel like I’m failing.

Yes, there has been good points this year which I massively appreciate. Such as the amazing holiday in Kos with one of my closest friends. And then just the support I have had from my friends overall, I have really appreciated. Despite having some frustration with certain things which ill cover later in this post.

The purpose of writing this, is to help me to explain above all, to myself, and those who care to read this, certain things I’m feeling and to try to better understand how I’ve been affected by things. It may come across as massively self-centred, and ungrateful, but that is not my intent.

Recently, over and over one of my biggest fears have been playing on my mind, and has been making me even more self-conscience and anxious than normal. And that is of being alone, in many ways. But the main one is that I’ll be abandoned by all of my current friends, or even just some of them, as right now, I’m not sure that is something I could cope with. Honestly, I’m barely coping with things as they stand. But if I end up driving another friend away due to not knowing how to handle my anxiety and depression (which doesn’t just affect my social life, but all aspects) then that would set off a dangerous chain reaction. Especially as in the past few years I’ve already lost so, so many people I cared about a lot, including some people I have considered to be my closest friends.

I think that because of this I have placed a high value on trying (and seeming, to me, failing) at keeping the friends I have, and trying to maintain, and see as many friends as I can regularly. But that hasn’t worked, due to various reasons, so I go from periods where I see different friends 3-4 days of a week, then I could have gaps of almost three weeks, with barely any contact with anyone, and that’s just through messages, let alone meeting up with people.

And I place a value on that, as yes, I have lost a lot of close people the last few years, but also as I just need to have regular meet ups with friends, just to keep my head above water whilst I wait for professional help. And to just help me my giving me a distraction and to bring some stability in my life that doesn’t depend on me spend most of my waking moments staring at a screen just hoping that someone messages or texts me.

Some have suggested to go to different things and to meet new people. But that just isn’t something I feel capable of, mostly down to my anxiety. But also, that I’m afraid of meeting new people that could potentially end up walking away from me, like so many other friends, and Family members. I just can’t make myself meet new people to make myself vulnerable to them, especially as I can’t even do that properly with myself, let alone my current friends, as I’m both afraid to be, and I’ve shut myself away for so long, I just don’t know how, things are slowly coming out, but even then, it takes time before I can understand things, let alone admit them to myself, and others.

Which I think is one of the reasons it taken me so long to come out as Natalie, as myself.

So, I’ve been juggling finding myself as Natalie (which is becoming increasingly difficult as I haven’t exactly been able to experiment as much as I’d like, especially with stuff like clothing, where I’m barely able to afford to replace clothes I have which are way beyond use, let alone expand on what I have), trying to organise professional help, my finances and just my life in general. Along with trying to deal with my mental heath in such a way that it doesn’t burden my friends too much (although it does, massively which I hate, especially with my constant complaining, low moods, poor hygiene, not keeping my flat great so I can’t invite people over, which might make things easier ect ect.) Also then there is trying to keep some regular social life which I’m able to cope with and handle, and that others aren’t to busy for (which has been a failure, with a mixture of my depression and then people just being to busy to regularly meet (even just on a weekly basis, some can but most can’t)).

Trying to juggle all of this is something which I feel like I’m drowning in, like I’m failing, myself and my friends. And I’m afraid that Ill be abandoned once again, like I have been by so many people, including my Nan, my Dad (3 times, most recently this year), and countless friends, which I constantly think about and miss, especially two particular ones (for different reasons) which is pointless, but something that I can’t help. I can’t control it. But all of this as a whole is really affecting things right now. And it just isn’t something I know how to deal with. Especially as, no matter how much I think otherwise, I’m just not over being abandoned by them all. With 4 that affect me the most.  The 4 people which were the closest to me, and that I cared the most about.

So what I do most of the time, as I just don’t know how to deal with is, is shut myself off, just so I can survive, and just barely deal with things, barely even function, and not letting myself, or anyone else, get close to me, to even some of my middling emotions most of the time, let alone my deepest ones. Which I don’t even trust myself with, obviously, so as I’m going through the motions, I’m not living, I’m barely surviving, frozen, not knowing what to do, as if I’m trapped. Which doesn’t just sum up this year, but probably my life since I was abandoned to the Care system when I was 7/8 ish.

That doesn’t mean that I’m not grateful for the friends, support and things I have right now, as I am. But that doesn’t still mean that I’m not lost in myself.

Anyways sorry for how dark this is, I just needed to work through this (and its barely scratched the surface) and just write it down.

I hope everyone is well.

Natalie xx