Ok so welcome to another blog where I rant about how life is right now. So if this doesn’t interest you then feel free to click off this post.
Since the beg of this year there has been 4 main things which have been on my mind constantly, all switching between who has the most air time, but all are on my mind in different amounts. Some of my friends already know this and I’ve talked about it to an extent with them.
These four things are (I’ll expand on them as we go along) the worst day of my life and how what happened then became my worst fear and how that effects my life now. The second is the constant worry and questioning if there is something wrong with me? The third is one of the confusing and misleading or disingenuous people I’ve known, for whatever their reasons might’ve been (I still don’t know that).
And the final one is something I’m honestly worried about putting into the blog but it does tie into the other things, but is it’s own thing as well, where I’ve started developing unwelcome feelings for someone which is causing massive conflict and tension in my head, also it’s all for nothing as I cannot and will not ever tell this person as honestly, it’s causing to much conflict in me, they mean to much as a friend, amongst other things which I cannot and will not go into here.
And this is on top on my depression and anxiety which is a constant undercurrent.
So the first of these is my worst fear, which is my fear of abandonment, which honestly I’d be surprised if that shocked anyone, especially those who know me, as I know first hand what that feels like (and many types) especially when it ties to the worst day of my life (not that I would change that as despite how things have been since, knowing what my dad is like now. I think we dodged a bullet, but hat doesn’t erase past hurts), it was when I was abandoned to social services (mentioned in my life story post) by my Nan and My dad on the same day (ok my dad left us there after a quick visit (which he didn’t remember) but I didn’t know he was prevented from taking us back at the time, only found that out later)
This experience is a major player in my relationships with people now, especially in how they form and that, no matter what, there will always be an in build insecurity in any friendship etc I will have and currently have due to that, hopefully in time I’ll learn to manage it better but for now I just can’t.
So for now this effect me. And makes it very difficult to trust people, and make me constantly afraid of people abandoning friendships for whatever reason (which has happened and it never gets easier and often just adds to the fear) and this ties right into the next thing that plays on my mind.
Due to so many friendships etc failing for often confusing, unknown or just unfortunate circumstances, and just how difficult I find it to make friends (and those I do make all seem to be similar to me in different ways, which isn’t necessarily a good thing tbh) and I constantly live in fear of driving them away from messaging too much, saying something or just doing something that might (unknowing to me) drive them away and make them withdraw before ending the friendship or just suddenly stopping. And with every disappointment and further abandonment (especially when it’s by someone I consider one of my close friends, as I don’t have many of those) it make it even harder to overcome my depression, anxiety and fear to go and meet others and try new things. To safeguard myself, as it’s just rubbing salt in a deep wound which has never healed, and that with other insecurities I have about myself, it’s just a massive struggle.
And due to my insecurities (especially when it come to how insecure I am about my current state of transition (and can’t wait until I have fully transition)) amongst other things), and honestly how often this has occurred, I wonder is there something fundamentally wrong with me which eventually drives people away? As if there is I don’t have a clue what it would be and wish someone would give insight there , and if there isn’t then why the fucking hell does it keep happening? I’m sick and tired of it all. But I can’t do a thing about it.
The third thing always playing on my mind is one of those closest to me who suddenly and abruptly just ended the relationship that we were in and just went bitter and horrible (long distance) and that isn’t something I can explain and something that now they apparently don’t remember now. And it didn’t have a trigger I can remember, and honestly someone I was massively falling hard for and I thought they were too, but obviously they wasn’t. And if they were playing me then it was cruel, but it isn’t something I’ll ever find out the reasons behind what happened etc. But it has been on my mind a lot recently, which I honestly hate myself for, but what I hate most is despite the fact even if I ever had the chance of another relationship with them I’ll never take it, I do have a certain soft spot for them, which I think shows that I really do have an inability to let things go especially that which I once or still care about.
But yeah I hate that it’s been on my mind a lot, but once they were important to me. Like many others (in different ways) that I’ve been close to and then abandoned me (for various reasons across the board) and it has just been tying into all the other things.
Now the one I’m not even sure how to approach as it isn’t something I want to give much away about as I don’t want to tip off the person as I don’t want them to know. As despite how I feel. It is something I’m conflicted by and as I said there are other reasons so just can’t go into. And it isn’t someone I thought it would happen with, for many reasons and someone I definitely shouldn’t have, and that is something I hate and it adds to the conflict. And it isn’t something that even if the feelings did continue, (as they have been slowly growing for a while now until they hit this point and started major conflict) and I talked to them about it, I definitely don’t see this person being interested (especially in me, I’m not exactly great girlfriend material). And there could be a lot of problems. But this is going down a path I don’t want to think about as, I’m never going to to tell them, a honestly I value them too much as a friend, I don’t want to put them in an awkward situation most of all, and I don’t want to loose their friendship, and I can’t afford to loose another friend. So my thoughts and feelings about this person isn’t something I want to talk to the person about for the reasons already mentioned, despite how much I care about them (and even when I get short messages from them, it often even just slightly, lifts my mood just a bit (which is a difficult task atm)) I cant tell them as it’s just to complicated, messy, inappropriate and as I said, their not a friend that I would risk losing. Ever.
So that’s what’s been on my mind constantly for the first half of the year so far.
Also a weird thing happened whilst writing the above paragraph, I was listening to a Spotify playing which includes a person I’ve been wanting to listen to atm, but you know how those playlists work, so a random song came up “absolutely simitten” by Dodie came up. Which I just thought was awkward but also a really weird coincidence considering what I was writing about.
But on a positive note, I have been maki steps to get help with both my mental health and transition (although it’s taking a long time) and this blog was just a way to get the thoughts outfits my head, even if it’s just on paper as it, even just momentarily helps.
Also I am also making plans for later this year to spend 4 nights in London and seeing the Harry Potter studio tour (hopefully with some friends) which I’m looking forward to, and the planning of that and just planning things. Especially trips in general is one of my main coping mechanisms atm as it means I’m not focusing on now.
Also one thing I hate is when people tell me how strong I am, as honestly I don’t feel strong, I feel low, weak and exhausted with no idea how to get out of this long dark tunnel I’m in, as I can’t right now see an end in sight.
But one thing I would not do is to give in. As the only option for that I would never take, as it would effect those I care about too much, and honestly I’m just to stubborn to let this ultimately defeat me. At the moment it has the upper hand yes. But it won’t forever (even if it doesn’t feel like it, even as I’m writing this, where I’m doing all I can not to break down in tears as if I do, I won’t be able to finish the post)
And I will get out of it, and achieve my life goals, just later than planned.
Also another note, to those reading this who I know, if I send you messages of “hey how are you?” (And various ways of) I’m doing so as a way of reaching out, which honestly is my something I find easy. And often goes against my instincts, like writing this blog post does, j do so as it is something I feel the need to do, even if I haven’t spoken to you in a while, it is something I’m doing in the hope of having a conversation to just take my mind of things just for a little bit.
And I’m not saying that I want to be free to engage in this all the time, but one thing I do ask is if your not wanting to talk please don’t ignore me, as often that makes me feel worse and plays into some of the things I’ve mentioned here today. And I’m not saying this to make people feel guilty just to help them understand. And all I ask if your not wanting to or unable to talk, just send a message to say so, if understand that a lot more than just being ignored and whatnot. But yeah that’s what I’d ask, also if I take ages to reply, it isn’t because I’m ignoring you, it could be that I forgot you sent a reply, or that I’m not upto reply at the time due to my mental health but I will when I can (Also if your similar and want to be in contact then let me know as then that is something I’d understand. Especially compared to being ignored)
Anyways sorry for the depressing tone to this and perhaps accusing tone at the end, which I must stress isn’t intend but just occurred to be that it would be taken that way. And if you do I’m sorry and it was not my intention.
Anyways feel free to comment on this post and interact with it here. Or in other ways if you have the means to do so.
I hope you are all well, and hopefully my next blog will be lest rantish, and more positive, or at the least we sooner than this was to the last one (the next post might be a poem if I can)
Until next time,
Massive hugs to all,
Natalie xxxxx
No comments:
Post a Comment