Lost and Terrified

I really wish my depression would just go away. I really hate it and myself. And I just can’t get over it.

I’m 24, not in education or employment, have hardly any human contact, and just generally struggling in life.

When people give me advice on what to do, such as “get out more”, “get a job” or something like that, it kinda hurts. The reason I don’t is because I CAN’T, my emotions are always just a fucking mess, I am constantly on the verge of a breakdown, and constantly terrified one will come.

I have no self-belief or confidence. I hate myself and constantly feel worthless and just wishing things would change and that I didn’t feel so alone, depressed, and worthless. It doesn’t help that my that my past, my failures, insecurities, and everything I hate about my past and myself constantly playing around in my head, and it kills me.

I just wish I could be happy and overcome my fears and depression. But I don’t know how (although I have (just) started to have professional help), and not knowing how just makes me feel even more insecure than usual. I constantly just want to give up, but I can’t, it isn’t an option. At all. So, I’m stuck with just trying to put up with it, but I don’t even know how to do that. I just wish I was able to become happy and move on with my life without the death grip that my past has on me.

 And that I hate most of all, which grows my fears that I’ll be alone, with no friends, support or anything, as I’m afraid that it will cause me to push everything and everyone I care about away, as I’m terrified of being abandoned by them (the people), and I constantly try to avoid feelings of abandonment at all cost (for obvious reasons). But the more I try to avoid it, the more it constantly seems inevitable.

And all of the above and more that I just can’t put into words, is why I’m just struggling so much, and just have no idea how to even attempt to deal with everything. And I honestly just feel life, desperate and just lost, and terrified to my core.

Massive hugs to all,

Natalie xxx

The failures of Isolation (personal reflection)

I have been thinking a lot recently, about a load of different things, but the one thing that keeps cropping up is that I constantly doubt if I know how to be a friend to people. This is a concern I’ve had for years but has been on my mind a lot more of late.

And after this thinking, after my abandonment, years of stress, depression, anxiety etc, I think I honestly don’t really know how to be a friend, or what it even means to have friends. All of the people I currently think of as friends I made as an “adult” but I wouldn’t say I feel totally comfortable in any of those friendships and always have insecurities and massive worries about a friendship ending, or having a friendship abandoned.

Last night I also realised something else, which I haven’t realised before, but looking back I’m not surprised. As far as I can remember I have been somewhat guarded with letting people get too close. Which obviously got worse with certain events, and then just worsened since I came to Wales (not that I regret moving here, but that’s how it happened)

The primary school I went to here (wales) was my first real experience with bullying, I didn’t fit in with the other kids around me, and although I met a couple of people I liked, I never really had friendship with them, that and the fact that through secondary school was much the same, and I never felt that anyone tried to reach out and I was just an outcast, who both isolated myself due to the above and prior trust issues from past events and even hiding things from myself.

I mention this, due to the key thing which happened, isolation, which was half a reflex to protect myself, and honestly just not caring much at the time (though I did want the bullying to stop at the time). However I had been isolated from making or even the ability of making friends, to stop me from getting to close to people, and looking back at old and current friendships.

I half wonder if it is just an obsession with wanting a connection with people that I felt/feel rather than friendship, in some cases its clearer than others, but I do think that there is friendships I have with some people, which I’m grateful for. But even with those I (subconsciously) I don’t allow myself to get too close to anyone, or feel close, not because I don’t care about my friends, or because I don’t want to, as I do. But due to all the aforementioned past and current mental health issues, I have shut myself off, even partially to myself, as through constant exhaustion from fighting my mental health over the years and being completely afraid of people getting close and hurting me, it’s a risk I can take to an extent, but not as much as I should or need to.

My life has been me just skating though and mostly tring to hold myself together, and not allowing and then not knowing how, to open myself up to people, yes I can talk about things, but that isn’t what I mean, I mean that in my mind, in my feelings, I don’t open myself up properly to others, and myself, so I don’t feel abandoned and betrayed. And that with my anxiety, depression, exhaustion, and just not knowing how to deal with it all, I constantly question my friendships, as I honestly don’t trust myself to know what friendships really are.

Im not saying I don’t have friends as I do, this is mostly a venting piece about this in the hopes of better understanding myself why I struggle to connect and keep friendships, and it unfortunately seems, like it has everything to do with my lifelong coping mechanism of just shutting off from, other people, the world, and even myself, which honestly scares me, as it is something im not sure how to come back from that, and will need (mostly professional help (with that and for other things)) to sort out and resolve. And I hope and pray that I can and it will be something that will be easier in the future, with less self-doubt, and that I keep my mind in the process, as my coping mechanism, of just isolation, has been a failure, one I don’t know how to resolve right now.

Anyway, sorry for the rant,

And I hope you all well.

Big hugs,