I really
wish my depression would just go away. I really hate it and myself. And I just can’t
get over it.
I’m 24, not
in education or employment, have hardly any human contact, and just generally
struggling in life.
When people
give me advice on what to do, such as “get out more”, “get a job” or something like
that, it kinda hurts. The reason I don’t is because I CAN’T, my emotions are
always just a fucking mess, I am constantly on the verge of a breakdown, and constantly
terrified one will come.
I have no self-belief
or confidence. I hate myself and constantly feel worthless and just wishing
things would change and that I didn’t feel so alone, depressed, and worthless.
It doesn’t help that my that my past, my failures, insecurities, and everything
I hate about my past and myself constantly playing around in my head, and it
kills me.
I just wish I
could be happy and overcome my fears and depression. But I don’t know how
(although I have (just) started to have professional help), and not knowing how
just makes me feel even more insecure than usual. I constantly just want to
give up, but I can’t, it isn’t an option. At all. So, I’m stuck with just trying
to put up with it, but I don’t even know how to do that. I just wish I was able
to become happy and move on with my life without the death grip that my past
has on me.
And that I hate most of all, which grows my
fears that I’ll be alone, with no friends, support or anything, as I’m afraid
that it will cause me to push everything and everyone I care about away, as I’m
terrified of being abandoned by them (the people), and I constantly try to
avoid feelings of abandonment at all cost (for obvious reasons). But the more I
try to avoid it, the more it constantly seems inevitable.
And all of the
above and more that I just can’t put into words, is why I’m just struggling so
much, and just have no idea how to even attempt to deal with everything. And I honestly
just feel life, desperate and just lost, and terrified to my core.
Massive hugs to all,
Natalie xxx
Friends are not always visible, but friends are always there. Troubles are not always visible (from outside), but troubles are always there. Love fills the universe - it is in every time and in every place, but love is hidden and often unseen.
ReplyDeleteEverywhere there is depression and laughter, fears and joys, anxieties and delights. You, Natalie, are no different, in this, from anyone else. How you do differ, though, is that you are keenly aware of where you are, of both the material and emotional universe in which we are all placed. I think I have said before that you are a poet, and all artists are "more sensitive" (whatever those words mean!). You are sensitive - and that means you use your senses - you are not asleep, you are not spending your life asleep dreaming useless dreams. You are truly awake.
And that's not easy. Not easy - but so, so, so valuable. I know *exactly* where you are (emotionally), as I have passed through valleys of darkness myself, and I know from my own experience that it's not easy. But I also know, from my own experience, that by *using* what you learn from the difficult times, those times bring their rewards to later times, better times.
You can't deal with everything, Natalie - not yet. And "yet" is the important word there. You could, if you wanted, go back to sleep and ignore the real world and how you keenly see it - but I know that you will not do that. I have confidence that you are moving towards better and better places in your internal life, your thinking, your feelings. Oh yes, I know it doesn't *feel* like that to you, right now - but it *is* like that.
Don't be scared, don't be terrified - life is always like placing one foot forward, then the other foot, then again another pace - and at each pace you worry (well, *I* worry) whether you are (I am) walking on a tightrope... but after each pace is taken, you realise that there was firm ground there all the time.
You will never be alone, Natalie - you have more friends that you realise... some of them are a long (physical) distance away - but we are here, and you can contact us at any time. we are here.
Take great care of yourself, Natalie - and remember that we are placed in God's world by His grace. And He never told us it would be *easy* - but he *did* tell us that love fills the whole universe.