I have been
thinking a lot recently, about a load of different things, but the one thing
that keeps cropping up is that I constantly doubt if I know how to be a friend to
people. This is a concern I’ve had for years but has been on my mind a lot more
of late.
And after
this thinking, after my abandonment, years of stress, depression, anxiety etc, I
think I honestly don’t really know how to be a friend, or what it even means to
have friends. All of the people I currently think of as friends I made as an “adult”
but I wouldn’t say I feel totally comfortable in any of those friendships and always
have insecurities and massive worries about a friendship ending, or having a friendship
abandoned.
Last night I
also realised something else, which I haven’t realised before, but looking back
I’m not surprised. As far as I can remember I have been somewhat guarded with
letting people get too close. Which obviously got worse with certain events,
and then just worsened since I came to Wales (not that I regret moving here,
but that’s how it happened)
The primary
school I went to here (wales) was my first real experience with bullying, I didn’t
fit in with the other kids around me, and although I met a couple of people I liked,
I never really had friendship with them, that and the fact that through
secondary school was much the same, and I never felt that anyone tried to reach
out and I was just an outcast, who both isolated myself due to the above and
prior trust issues from past events and even hiding things from myself.
I mention
this, due to the key thing which happened, isolation, which was half a reflex
to protect myself, and honestly just not caring much at the time (though I did
want the bullying to stop at the time). However I had been isolated from making
or even the ability of making friends, to stop me from getting to close to
people, and looking back at old and current friendships.
I half
wonder if it is just an obsession with wanting a connection with people that I felt/feel
rather than friendship, in some cases its clearer than others, but I do think
that there is friendships I have with some people, which I’m grateful for. But
even with those I (subconsciously) I don’t allow myself to get too close to anyone,
or feel close, not because I don’t care about my friends, or because I don’t want
to, as I do. But due to all the aforementioned past and current mental health
issues, I have shut myself off, even partially to myself, as through constant
exhaustion from fighting my mental health over the years and being completely afraid
of people getting close and hurting me, it’s a risk I can take to an extent,
but not as much as I should or need to.
My life has
been me just skating though and mostly tring to hold myself together, and not
allowing and then not knowing how, to open myself up to people, yes I can talk
about things, but that isn’t what I mean, I mean that in my mind, in my
feelings, I don’t open myself up properly to others, and myself, so I don’t feel
abandoned and betrayed. And that with my anxiety, depression, exhaustion, and just
not knowing how to deal with it all, I constantly question my friendships, as I
honestly don’t trust myself to know what friendships really are.
Im not
saying I don’t have friends as I do, this is mostly a venting piece about this
in the hopes of better understanding myself why I struggle to connect and keep friendships,
and it unfortunately seems, like it has everything to do with my lifelong coping
mechanism of just shutting off from, other people, the world, and even myself,
which honestly scares me, as it is something im not sure how to come back from
that, and will need (mostly professional help (with that and for other things))
to sort out and resolve. And I hope and pray that I can and it will be something
that will be easier in the future, with less self-doubt, and that I keep my
mind in the process, as my coping mechanism, of just isolation, has been a failure,
one I don’t know how to resolve right now.
Anyway,
sorry for the rant,
And I hope
you all well.
Big hugs,
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