Thoughts and Reflections

This past year for me has been really difficult, for various reasons I’m about to go into. I’ve also had this constant struggle battling to just keep my head above the water. To keep myself from drowning, but honestly, I feel like I’m failing.

Yes, there has been good points this year which I massively appreciate. Such as the amazing holiday in Kos with one of my closest friends. And then just the support I have had from my friends overall, I have really appreciated. Despite having some frustration with certain things which ill cover later in this post.

The purpose of writing this, is to help me to explain above all, to myself, and those who care to read this, certain things I’m feeling and to try to better understand how I’ve been affected by things. It may come across as massively self-centred, and ungrateful, but that is not my intent.

Recently, over and over one of my biggest fears have been playing on my mind, and has been making me even more self-conscience and anxious than normal. And that is of being alone, in many ways. But the main one is that I’ll be abandoned by all of my current friends, or even just some of them, as right now, I’m not sure that is something I could cope with. Honestly, I’m barely coping with things as they stand. But if I end up driving another friend away due to not knowing how to handle my anxiety and depression (which doesn’t just affect my social life, but all aspects) then that would set off a dangerous chain reaction. Especially as in the past few years I’ve already lost so, so many people I cared about a lot, including some people I have considered to be my closest friends.

I think that because of this I have placed a high value on trying (and seeming, to me, failing) at keeping the friends I have, and trying to maintain, and see as many friends as I can regularly. But that hasn’t worked, due to various reasons, so I go from periods where I see different friends 3-4 days of a week, then I could have gaps of almost three weeks, with barely any contact with anyone, and that’s just through messages, let alone meeting up with people.

And I place a value on that, as yes, I have lost a lot of close people the last few years, but also as I just need to have regular meet ups with friends, just to keep my head above water whilst I wait for professional help. And to just help me my giving me a distraction and to bring some stability in my life that doesn’t depend on me spend most of my waking moments staring at a screen just hoping that someone messages or texts me.

Some have suggested to go to different things and to meet new people. But that just isn’t something I feel capable of, mostly down to my anxiety. But also, that I’m afraid of meeting new people that could potentially end up walking away from me, like so many other friends, and Family members. I just can’t make myself meet new people to make myself vulnerable to them, especially as I can’t even do that properly with myself, let alone my current friends, as I’m both afraid to be, and I’ve shut myself away for so long, I just don’t know how, things are slowly coming out, but even then, it takes time before I can understand things, let alone admit them to myself, and others.

Which I think is one of the reasons it taken me so long to come out as Natalie, as myself.

So, I’ve been juggling finding myself as Natalie (which is becoming increasingly difficult as I haven’t exactly been able to experiment as much as I’d like, especially with stuff like clothing, where I’m barely able to afford to replace clothes I have which are way beyond use, let alone expand on what I have), trying to organise professional help, my finances and just my life in general. Along with trying to deal with my mental heath in such a way that it doesn’t burden my friends too much (although it does, massively which I hate, especially with my constant complaining, low moods, poor hygiene, not keeping my flat great so I can’t invite people over, which might make things easier ect ect.) Also then there is trying to keep some regular social life which I’m able to cope with and handle, and that others aren’t to busy for (which has been a failure, with a mixture of my depression and then people just being to busy to regularly meet (even just on a weekly basis, some can but most can’t)).

Trying to juggle all of this is something which I feel like I’m drowning in, like I’m failing, myself and my friends. And I’m afraid that Ill be abandoned once again, like I have been by so many people, including my Nan, my Dad (3 times, most recently this year), and countless friends, which I constantly think about and miss, especially two particular ones (for different reasons) which is pointless, but something that I can’t help. I can’t control it. But all of this as a whole is really affecting things right now. And it just isn’t something I know how to deal with. Especially as, no matter how much I think otherwise, I’m just not over being abandoned by them all. With 4 that affect me the most.  The 4 people which were the closest to me, and that I cared the most about.

So what I do most of the time, as I just don’t know how to deal with is, is shut myself off, just so I can survive, and just barely deal with things, barely even function, and not letting myself, or anyone else, get close to me, to even some of my middling emotions most of the time, let alone my deepest ones. Which I don’t even trust myself with, obviously, so as I’m going through the motions, I’m not living, I’m barely surviving, frozen, not knowing what to do, as if I’m trapped. Which doesn’t just sum up this year, but probably my life since I was abandoned to the Care system when I was 7/8 ish.

That doesn’t mean that I’m not grateful for the friends, support and things I have right now, as I am. But that doesn’t still mean that I’m not lost in myself.

Anyways sorry for how dark this is, I just needed to work through this (and its barely scratched the surface) and just write it down.

I hope everyone is well.

Natalie xx

An incoherent rant of my current thoughts and state of mind xx

Well for the last month (and a bit beforehand) I've been massively fixated on birthday plans. Although what I originally wanted to happen didn't end up working. I've managed to cobble something together. Some things have fallen through which is disappointing but can't be helped, and some things have been really difficult to plan and was a really last minute cobbled plan.
Although I'm half that most things have been sorted.

I'm not writing this to speak about the face of the plans. But why ive been focusing so much on plans, as I'm writing this it's 1am on the eve of my 24th birthday (so less than 24 hrs to go (actually may still be longer due to the clocks going back but meh) I'm honestly feeling massively depressed, and I'm struggling alot. I'm struggling to take care of myself financially and physically. My flat is not in the best shape. I was withdrawn from uni this past year, I just feel like I've slid to where I was before I started uni. Although I have met some amazing people who are now some of my closest friends, which I'm grateful for. And some of the experiences I've had like my trip to Kos, which was amazing and needed. For the most part though I do struggle with feeling like myself and my life is a constant failure, and that I can't do anything right which is honestly why I am so insecure in my freindships and o fear that they could break at any moment. Which terrifies me. Ok that also linked to some deeper stuff too.

But yeah, due to all of this negative stuff I honestly wanted to have something to look forward to, with minimal stress and disappointment, which hasn't quite gone to plan. Although I am grateful for what has been planned and the freinds I've met and will be meeting with etc. And this isn't about making anyone feel bad. I'm just explaining why this all means so much.
Honestly I've been using it to distract myself that I'm another year older and things have just gone down hill massively. Emotionally and just my circumstances in general. Yes I know things could be worse. But honestly, I'm tired of of telling myself that as that doesn't make things easier. And nether does people telling me I need to do something to get help, and get over my depression, to volunteer or get a job of sorts, or go to something with what would essentially be a group of strangers (which I couldn't cope with atm) as everyone is busy and mostly I barely see anyone with a what can be a week to two week gap before i see anyone who isn't paid to see me. As I'm doing what I can and waiting for an appointment in early Nov which will hopefully start a path on helping my mental health.

Anyways I just wanted to plan a weekend or a few events around my birthday easily and stress free with no hithces, or disappointments because I wanted to have something to distract and give me focus, away from the difficult and honestly lonely existence I lead. I just wanted some sort of a break from it to make things over the next few months a little easier. And honestly to help me no to feel so worthless. Although I have had load of help from freinds. And I have good freinds who do their best to help. Honestly I do feel like a worthless failure who no matter how hard she tires, just cannot reach her goals in life. And honestly I'm just tired. Tired of it all.

And all of that is why I was trying to make this birthday special for me. Yes it's kinda selfish but I think after this year I kinda deserve to be, especially for my birthday.
I just hope that plans I have for the actual day goes well. Whilst I struggle through today, focusing on the hope of a small distraction from life tomorrow.

I know this is really dark and more self centered than normal. But I just thought I need to be honest with how I felt and what is driving me with my birthday plans. Not just so I'm honest with my freinds and everyone, but more importantly, so that I'm honest with myself as until now I hadn't been.

Also please don't think I'm not appreciative of those who have done things and will be doing things with me, as I really really am. I'm just explaining why these plans have been so important to me. And why I'm so focused on them right now.

Anyways I hope that your all well. And massive hugs to all.

Natalie xx

How?

Lonliness crushing my heart like a vice,
Joined with depression and anxiety too,
No matter how hard I try,
I cannot keep the pain inside,

Pain from abandonment,
From many different times,
Pain from the gaping,
Gaping failure that is my life,
Pain from reminders of,
Of everything I've lost.
I can't hold it in much longer.

Even now as tears fall,
As my cries escape,
I try to keep it all inside,
All bottled up,
Not only out of fear,
But because if I don't,
I don't know how I'd move on from it,
Not with my life as it is now.

Isolation is creeping in,
Some accidental,
Some not my fault,
And some just my depression
Depressession getting in the way.

And now,
Seeing post in Facebook,
About the start of uni,
Honestly,
That makes things harder still,
And makes my failures,
Failure over keeping
Keeping the pain at bay,
And letting the depressession win.

All this crushes me,
Deeper that I can express,
Deeper than I know.
Whilst I sit in the dark and alone,
I ask myself,
How can I move on from this?
How can I be free from my past?
How can I be free of this pain?

I do not wish to erase the past,
But just to stop it's influence,
Influence on my life now,
And with little support,
Little hope,
How to achieve this,
I just don't know how.

I just don't know how....

Crushed by Fear

Life moves slowly by,
As I'm frozen,
Trapped in my own fear,
Whilst life just passes me by.

Failure upon Failure,
Rejection on Rejection,
My hope is dwindling,
That I can engage once again.

But fear,
Fear traps me,
Unable to engage,
With myself or others.

Afraid of my emotions,
Emotions and connections,
I don't know how to,
How to connect with my emotions,

Few things of which I am sure,
My past ever haunts me,
As much as I try,
I don't know how to deal.

My inability to deal,
Has ruined opportunities,
Opportunities and freindships,
Which is why I keep,
Keep a distance from both.

So due to all this,
Lonliness is ever present,
With Anxiety and depression,
Which is crushing,
Crushing me from the inside out.

Being crushed along with other big changes,
And all my emotional baggage,
Is rooting me in place,
Leave me afraid,
Afraid of losing freinds,
Aswell as being afraid of myself.

How to overcome this,
I do not know,
But help I am seeking,
And the freinds I do have,
I am ever grateful to have,
Even though I'm afraid,
Afraid my fear might drive them away.

My biggest fear,
Besides being abandoned by,
By those closest to me,
Is that I will never get over this fear,
Which will leave me,
Forever trapped.

My family as all but left me,
My freinds are all I have,
But if I can't be fully open,
Open with my self,
And engage with my problems,
Then how can I do it,
To those freinds,
Who mean so much to me?

As but not doing so,
My fear is,
If I remain distant to my freinds,
Is the question,
Will I be left,
Left alone in the darkness of my fear?

Written by
Natalie
Xxx

My Take on the General Election

As the voting deadline for registering to vote for the General Election on the 8^th draws near, and as the 8^th slowly draws near, I find myself thinking what is at stake in this election? And who do I want to run the country?

If I were to answer honestly, I would have to say that I don’t have confidence in any of the political leaders to get us through the next 5 years after this election. For different reasons, too.

I would never trust May to lead us to a more fairer, equal society, especially from what we have learned from the Tory manifesto, and there is the fact that she is a Tory, a party which I fundamentally disagree with, as they work for the elites and the wealthiest in society at the cost of the rest of us, yes she may be able to not get completely blow away in the Brexit negotiations, however a deal she gets won’t be put to the British people for a final say, nor will it work for anyone but the minority of the wealthy and big buinsess in the UK, and will deeply hurt the rest of us.

As for Corbyn, although I agree with a lot of his policies and direction for labour, he has come up as a leader at completely the wrong time for the country, yes, we do need his policies, but I honestly don’t have enough confidence in his abilities to negotiate any reasonable deal for us in Brexit, also he has ruled out another referendum on the subject, which I’m not happy about. I’d rather we voted remain to begin with, but we didn’t, and honestly, I don’t think that May, Corbyn or any other leader of any party right now can get us through this mess without things getting harder for those on the bottom of society.

However, out of the choices that we have, a Labour Government in Westminster, is obviously the much more preferable option rather than the horrendous option of a May government, which would bring this country to ruin.

This election, I honestly believe is the most important election, the most important vote I will face in my lifetime. As it isn’t just about party politics, it is bigger than that, it’s bigger than Brexit.

This election is about what we truly value as a nation, do we want to be led by a government that will work against the people, that will constantly put those who are most in need further down, as the Tories will do, shown in their manifesto, where they also plan to strip a lot of our rights away and restrict our speech. Especially online. And a party that will drag us out of the EU, with a “Hard Brexit” which will likely alienate us from our European allies, and make Britain much more unsafe and unstable without the help and support from the rest of Europe.

Or do we want a Government that domestically will at least do their best to do what it right by the people and actually serve us, and that helps those who are most vulnerable, and although will still take us on a dangerous path with withdrawing from the EU, will at least protect our rights and freedoms we cherish, and need, as well as striving toward a more stable and equal society, from someone who, despite my misgiving with him over Europe, Corbyn has proved to be a principled, caring politician who will, I believe work tirelessly to help the people of all of the UK.

In the area I live, Ceredigion, as it isn’t an important constituency as neither Labour or the Tories are likely to win, I honestly believe the best Party to vote for is Plaid Cymru, as they will stand up for the people of wales, and although yes, their ultimate goal may be independence, it is not what the party is running on or is a priority for, Wales is desperately falling short with investment in transportation systems, public sector investment, and general infrastructure and funding wales desperately need, and I strongly believe that the best party to support in Ceredigion is Plaid Cymru as they will stand up and fight for those issues and many more which us in wales face, especially in Ceredigion where we are the one of the poorest counties in the whole of Europe, we need a strong  voice in Westminster pushing the needs of the welsh people in parliament. Also as a strong advocate of the EU plaid will also hold any government to account over the handling of the whole withdrawal process.

So to sum up, this is a massively important election, and if I lived somewhere where it was a fight where labour had a chance of winning, I would be and I would encourage all I knew to vote labour, and implore anyone who does live somewhere where labour might win, please vote for them, but if you live in wales, and in an electoral district where labour doesn’t have much of a chance, then I would say plaid cymru is the best party to vote for. But nationally, I honestly believe, that Labour is the best option out of the choice between a Labour government and a Tory one, it isn’t a question, we need to make sure May and her cronies DO NOT have a chance to take more away from the people than they already have, whilst they and their business friends all get richer, oblivious and out of touch with the needs of the citizens of this county. Make sure that on the 9th of June, labour has the Majority in the Commons!

So everyone, please register and make sure you vote on the 8^th of June, and remember what is at stake. Our freedoms, liberty, and livelihood. Don’t make the same mistake as we did with the EU Referendum. Show that we are better than our mistakes,

Natalie xx

A new venting post

In the entirety of my life, I have had so many individual painful and difficult events take place. The most painful and far reaching is when I was abandoned, which has affected me in so many different ways, more than I even know about.

Saying this, being withdraw from university, shipped off to somewhere that I’ve no support base, friends, anyone I know, in this point in my life, when honestly, I’ve never needed the help and support of friends around me and nearby more is not helping me at all.

The problem is not that I have been withdrawn and put somewhere I feel will be detrimental to my mental health, but it is much deeper and far reaching than this. It is that these events and emotions that has and is arising from that (including a sense of being abandoned in Cardigan) is piling onto a mountain of anxiety, depression, years of unresolved issues, which have caused the mess I’m in the first place, and the only reason (besides faith) I’ve made it through all of what I have so far, is that I’ve had a goal with a path to follow to get there.

I knew following the path would be difficult. But I never expected it to be drawn from under my feet as it has been. Which has left me lost and no idea what to do next or where to go from here. All I want to do right now is just escape from it all. However, I know that that isn’t possible. Throughout the time I spent at university, I needed a lot more support than I got, partly that was my fault for not fully engaging with the support the university was offering, but that wasn’t going to be enough, which is why I struggled to engage. What I needed was a good friend base to help me through, which through different events like being kicked out of a group, or being massively mis-understood to the point of not knowing what happened in the friendship, I wasn’t able to build one, with those events setting me back months of working on my mental health and contributing to my failed uni attempt. Not to say that I blame those people for what happened because I don’t, I am just being honest with how things happened, and the fault of what happened ultimately lies with me, although I don’t blame myself as I just wasn’t ready at this point in my life.

But uni hasn’t left me unchanged, apart from the student debt, and my overdraft being maxed, uni has given some positives, such as the wonderful people I have managed (without really knowing how or why) to befriend which I really appreciate. Although right now that I don’t think will be enough to get me through this.

In all honesty im not sure what will get me through, as I don’t know what to do to get through this period in my life, I have no goal or plan, I need to improve my mental health sure, but that will need a lot of work and will take months or years. And doesn’t help me not knowing what to do, also if I could manage my mental health I wouldn’t be in this mess. For once I don’t see a path forward, yes, I still have the same goals, but at the moment they seem unreachable with no idea how to reach them.

Which is honestly why I often feel so depressed now days, more so than usual, the pain of everything that has happened is suffocating at times,  it has bought me to bouts of crying on a few occasions, such as just before writing this post (which is why I felt the need to write this). Also I would be lying if I have given serious thought to self-harming once again thankfully so far I haven’t but the thoughts are there and ones im afraid will eventually win out. Earlier I mentioned I want to escape things, so naturally I have thought about ending things, however, there are two main reasons (amongst others) stopping me, one is that it seems too painful and messy, if I did id want a quick pain free end. But secondly, I couldn’t cause the pain that would cause those who care about me, as I really would rather not end my pain by causing more amongst those I care about. Another reason is mostly an aspect of my character, im too stubborn to just give in. Anyway, despite this, it wouldn’t be honest if I say it hasn’t crossed my mind especially now.

Everyone is saying that I can get through this, and ive been through worse. But honestly, I still have a lot of what ive been through in my distant past still to deal with, let alone more recent, as ive never really found a way to have properly dealt with it, and im not even sure what it would mean to deal with it all. Also, as I mentioned earlier, my faith and having a path to follow helped with that. Now although not gone, my faith is greatly diminished. And as for a path to follow, that has been destroyed and I feel lost in a chasm of darkness, with this weird feeling of hollowness yet pain inside of me, and its all I can do to distract myself from it when cooking, which I can’t do often as I seldom have the finances to do it in my new place. Which I hate.

It has been suggested that I chose cooking as a career path, but I think that would be a grave mistake as it is currently the one thing I have that actually helps even for a little bit, to do that as a job with destroy what it is to me now, which is much more valuable to me, along with the fact that I don’t think it’s the right fit for me, although right now I don’t think I could cope with holding any job.

So there is a glimpse in what is happening in my mind, and my emotions right now. For those who are interested.

Im am sorry it is so dark, it isn’t meant to be easy to read, or to have any real purpose beside filling my need to vent this, and if anything, else comes from it then that’s great, but the core and only reason I have written this is because I needed to get it out.

I hope your all well anyway.

Massive hugs to all

Natalie Xxxxx

The Question in the Dark

Here again i lie in darkness,
Struggling to see the light,
Through this pain,
Through my tears,
In this unfamiliar place.

Lonliness knawing,
Knawing at my heart,
Whilst depression and anxiety,
They suffocate me,
Whilst i watch in fear.

I see my hopes and dreams,
Across a dark unreachable,
Unreachable void,
Not knowing how to go on,
Yet knowing there is no going back.

Whilst my tears pour,
My desperation increases,
Not knowing where to go,
Nor how to soothe this pain,
This neverending pain.

The one question circling,
Circling in my mind,
Is not how could i prevented this,
Nor why did this happen,
But what is it about me that drives,
Drives people away?

A few people stay,
But sooner or later,
They come and go,
Leaving a path of chaos,
Or they leave without,
Without me knowing why,
And that tears me up,
Tears me up inside.

My biggest fear in life,
Is the thing i experience,
Experience most often,
Some sort of abandonment,
Or rejection,
I try my best to avoid them,
Yet a way in they always find.

So that is why,
Why i keep on asking,
Why, oh why,
Do i always drive people, or
Or opportunities away?

And answer never comes,
Yet it never stops,
And more and more,.
Do i find,
The future looking more bleak,
Each and every day.

All without knowing,
Know how to escape,
To relieve this pain,
To reach where i should reach,
To ffind my way,
For now i am lost,
Lost in this darkness that surrounds.

By Natalie.

Alone in Darkness

What can I do?

What can I say?
When my life is crumbling around me?

 

Feeling the worst,

Worst ive felt in years,
With nothing but a screen for comfort.

 

I feel so alone,

I feel so afraid,
Whilst my energy just fades away

 

Sitting in darkness,
No light can be found
To lead me from this eternal night.

 

No escape can be found,
So trapped I sit
Sit and wait for the horror to come.

 

For I cannot face

The challenge ahead,
My will just is not there.

 

So in my room alone

I Cry
And hoping for a glimmer of hope.

 

On this eve I desperately need,

A friend, not behind a screen,

But there in front of me.

 

Not for any other reason,

Than to,

At least keep the dark thoughts at bay
At least for a while…..

 

Yet all are busy,

Or too far away,
So here I sit, and cry,
In front of a cold,
Cold computer screen.


By Natalie Summers

Ever Falling

My life falling apart around me.
Whilst I stand numb,
Powerless to help
Whilst my world tears itself apart.

Depression, discontent.
Sorrow, despair,
Stress, worry and
And a lack of self belief
Are but a few emotions which consume me.

Regrets I have many,
Failings in abundance,
Whilst I scream to myself,
"how can I stop this?"

The answer I do not know
For years this I have tried to find,
Yet the answer never comes,
Which leads to everlasting failure.

This failure cripples me,
So completely,
I feel so alone, so afraid,
Not having anything to catch,
Catch me whilst I fall.

Support I have little,
Far beneath what I need,
But what I need,
I cannot say,

I just feel lost,
Lost and trapped,
In a path of destruction,
Which I have no means of escape.

So how, how can I rebuild my world,
            and escape this destruction and fear?