Why do I always
find myself in a position of most of my friends (especially the ones closest to
me; in terms of distance) are always just so busy? I go through spats of seeing
people regularly, then things just fall off a cliff, and I find it difficult to
even hear from them as they say they just haven’t had the time.
The worst
thing about this, is that all of them have other people they can could rely on
if needed and have options for support (especially their families) and have a
support network. I don’t have such a thing, just a limited number of friends,
where even a small conversation through a phone is hard to get, that when it happens
it feels like a victory.
Everyone
keeps telling me, to get help, or to do things, like volunteering. But I’m
already TRYING to get help, it’s just taking ages to make progress there (and I
have suspicions that somewhere it might have been messed up, accidentally or
not, I don’t know). And in terms of getting out there and doing more. If I felt
in a position where I was fucking able to, I bloody well would be! But I’m not,
and when people do say that, I just feel frustrated, with myself and my situation,
about the fact that at the moment, I’m not able to do this. So, I just feel
trapped in my own fear and anxiety and no way of knowing how to escape it. Which
is why I’m pushing as much as I can to get professional help.
Also, I should
note, that when I do want contact, especially talking, and trying to meet up
with friends. It isn’t about trying to have them as anything but a friend, that
I want to enjoy conversations with (though due to difficulties in getting in touch
and their short time its really hard to do, so they tend to be more updating
each other than a conversation) and when I meet up with them, just to hang out,
and have fun, and honestly distract myself from things which have been going
on, which would be easier if I saw people more often, it would just be catching
things up with them, then times up, and go separate way. (and more often would
be ideally one a week, or once a fortnight, for each individual friend, and preferably
on different days to another)
But this just
doesn’t seem to be possible.
So, most of
the time I just feel lonely, and frustrated etc when alone in my flat. And that
is being made harder by my neighbour shouting abuse through the floor for minor
things. But that isn’t the point of this post.
Really do love and appreciate the friends I have,
I just find it frustrating at times as I honestly feel like they think that I’m
not worth much of their time, and that’s why I barely hear, let alone see
people. It doesn’t help that one friend I haven’t seen for almost 4 months now.
I do understand
that (and generally even why) my friends are busy, and everyone has their own
lives and own problems. But Its getting to the point where I think largely (with
a couple of exceptions) I feel like I’m just being left behind by people, and that’s
one of the reasons I struggle with it so much. Not because I barely see or hear
from people.
But it’s my
thoughts and anxieties and past events intensifying said thoughts and anxieties
(like they don’t care about me or they have forgotten about me etc etc) Which
leads to more attempts to contact them, but I’m also afraid that might push
people away, and this all plays into deep routed fears I have from past
traumatic events, which is honestly makes finding a resolution harder and
things are already clouded to much by what’s been mentioned above.
So, I’m not
sure what can, if anything can be done, and I want people to speak and see me
because they want to. But at the same time, so little social contact with
people is just making my anxieties etc worse. And at the lest I could use more just
as a distraction, and enjoy their company, conversation and friendship. Rather than
just feel like a burden on people, and the lack of contact just at large making
me feel even more depressed, anxious, and worthless than I already feel. Which
is why I try to make progress with this, however seem to be failing.
Also, please
don’t take this as commenting on that I’m annoyed at my friends or that I’m trying
to call them out or be negative about it (as that is the last thing I’d want to
do). I mentioned certain things, not to call them out, but to help explain how
it effects my thoughts and emotions in the way that it does. As this post isn’t
about that, but is about how their (understandable, business; although collectively
increasing) is affecting myself and therefore how that is in turn effecting my
actions.
I’m not
happy with how it effects my actions, so I wrote this to partially vent, but
also explain this to my friends etc, so they can hopefully gain more of an
insight into why I behave as I do (which also gets worse/more intense then I am
more anxious and depressed) I’m not sure I’ve done it all that well, but it’s
the best I can do atm, and needed to get this out now tbh. As it was bothering
me too much at the time of writing this, that I needed to get it out of my
head, and into the open. I do honestly wish this was different And that my freinds were less busy, or more importaintly, i was in a better position to handle the much less contact I'm receiving (and will likely continue and worsen) nowdays.
Sorry for
another depressing rant, but this is just an inner battle that is fighting in
me (one of them) and I’m getting more and more worried that it might cause
something that will make things worse, and I want to try to prevent that, and I’m
hoping that this, in one way or another, helps.
Massive hugs
to all
Natalie Xxx
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