Three Recurring Thoughts

My mood of late had honestly been declining and declining, with even good things which have happened failing to stall the downward spiral for long. Although I’m not all that surprised, and not a lot seems to help nowadays.

There are many reasons why this could be happening, but I think there are main three causes which are the main factors that are speeding up the spiral downwards (to the point where I’m barely holding back from crying (and kinda failing))

One of the biggest issues of the three I think is the general lack of progress with transitioning, and not knowing what is happening with the process, and due to my anxieties, I am not able to just make an appointment and go (by myself) to chase things up, so I’m having to struggle along, with not knowing how long it will take to start moving things forwards. And honestly the longer this drags on for, the harder it gets to cope with it. The biggest thing I want right now (of which is actually possible) is for progress to happen, although I also just wish I came to terms with my identity much earlier and started this all much earlier too. But that aside, the limbo I’m in, the lack of progress, and in increasing discomfort I feel due to dysphoria is getting increasingly difficult to be patient with and put aside for other issues. Which is something I have been doing, as there isn’t a huge amount I can do at this point in all honest. But now, it’s something I need to try to fight for more, but honestly, with this and other issues I’m to bring up later, are all feeding into the depth of my depression, which is just making just coping and surviving hard enough, and that takes up most of my energy, and I honestly don’t know how to find enough to be able to start fighting for more progress on top of my other issues.

It also doesn’t help that changing your name isn’t the cheapest thing to do (for passport and bank purposes) nor is it easy. And from what I have seen of the process, is not an easy thing for transgender individuals to do. Especially with it being such a public process. I’m planning to still do this in January, as that is the earliest that I’d be able to for many reasons. I’m looking forward to doing so, but doing that and then all the chasing up with other institutions will be a further drain to my ever-dwindling energy pool. But a yet another hurdle I need to jump over. It’s honestly frustrating how little energy for things I have because of so much is being drained to just keep my head above the water.

I just hope that things progress with all of the above soon.

The second cause of difficulties is even harder to do anything about, as it is just how life goes, but still, with how things are and have been it isn’t easy.

Its that a big part of my social group has slowly move away from Aber over the last year, due to different reasons, all of which I understand. However, with a lack of an ability to insecurities and anxieties about meeting new people being such a big issue, I haven’t been able to bolster the numbers locally as that would mean meeting new people, which I can barely cope with the idea of, let alone actually doing that.

Although I do greatly appreciate the friends in Aber I do still have, the fact that people have leaving, and being busier and less able to talk to me much (generally) has caused a big hole, in an already scares area, and now I’m at the point that a short 5-10 min convo on fb is the most communication id have in a day (and with only one person),

I have been meeting up regularly with one friend, which is nice and appreciated. However, variety helps, and it isn’t good to lean too much on one friend and isn’t guaranteed to last. And still doesn’t solve or put much of a dent into the fact that most of my time is being consumed with a crippling loneliness which most of my week consists of. I’ve largely tried to shrug it off, but recently it had been much, much harder. Especially as one friend has moved abroad, haven’t been able to see one in months, and the others aren’t (like myself) consistent with keeping up with messaging. So, I have incredibly limited options.

Though saying all of this, I am still grateful to the friends I do have, and the time I have with them.

The third contributing factor to my declining mood, is a strange one, but this year Christmas has honestly just been dropping my mood a large amount. Largely due to two factors, one is the fact that this will be the 5^th or 6^th year in a row that I have spent it alone, and with the things I have mentioned earlier, especially the increase in loneliness, it has become something I’m honestly dreading, and due to anxieties around people I don’t know I wont be able to go to any town group things, as my anxiety won’t be something I’d be able to overcome to even go to one of these things. So, my main option is to distract myself on the day which leads into the second factor; Cost.

The way I distract myself is to go all out on the Christmas food, and spend most of the day cooking, which is the plan again this year, but it isn’t cheap, and honestly takes money away from areas I honestly need it more, however I can’t not do so, as if I don’t have cooking to distract me, I just wouldn’t be able to cope with yet another Christmas alone, especially with my other issues this year.

So, all of this is just making life, and my depression and usual issues, worse and worse, which makes me worry more, which then just makes me feel worse. Which has led to me feeling the worst I’ve felt in a long time this evening, which is why I have written this post this evening. As I just needed to vent about it all.

I do hope that one day things will be easier, but I know it won’t be anytime soon.

Anyway, hugs and love to all,

Natalie

Xxxxx

A few more poems I've written (Which haven't been published yet)

Fragile Hope, Looming Fear

My life grows still,

In a restless calm,

With a storm raging,

Raging on the horizon,

Yet always out of reach,

And never seems to hit.

When that storm finally hits,

This fragile calm,

Will be shattered,

And chaos will ensue.

How I do not know,

Nor do I know how soon,

With little to distract me,

Distract me from my thoughts,

With nothing to plan for,

Nothing to strive for,

I fear it may come soon.

The few things that do linger,

As some small possible defences,

Could also turn against me.

One being trying to plan,

Plan for Christmas this year,

Although this year,

I have less certainty than usual,

Apart from that it will be likely,

Likely to be spent,

As I have for at least,

Least 5 years straight,

Ill likely be alone.

Not that I mind,

Per say, that I’ll be alone,

What I mind is,

Is the lack of people,

People nearby,

That I could potentially,

Potentially spend it with.

With friends moving away,

The already small group,

Group of friends I had near,

Near at the start of the year,

Is growing ever smaller,

And those voids,

Voids will be hard to fill.

The last distraction,

Is feelings,

Feeling I can neither,

Share, nor confront,

As I’m afraid to do either,

In whatever way,

As to do so,

Would leave me betting,

Something which,

Which I cannot afford to lose.

So with all of this happening,

All of this, and so much more,

With my depression, Anxiety,

And ghosts of my past,

I feel drained,

And so worn down,

Worried I could snap in the wind,

When the storm,

Storm finally hits.

But with no choice but to,

To move forward,

My big question is,

What will be round the next corner of my life?

The answer brings,

Brings a fragile hope,

And a looming fear,

As I step further into the unknown,

Further into the darkness,

That my life has become.

So I wait and stumble,

Into the corner,

In search of what to focus,

Focus on in the next,

Next chapter of my life.

Hidden Thoughts, Forever Repressed

Why, oh why can’t,

Can’t I get you off my mind?

No matter what other thoughts,

Thoughts that may plague me,

That harass and torment me,

You are one of the most persistent.

For months now,

Thoughts of you,

Have flowered in my mind,

And for months,

I’ve been running from them,

Scared.

There are so many reasons,

That I should not,

Be falling for,

Of all people,

You.

Once there was a time,

A time where these thoughts,

Would never have been entertained,

Entertained in my mind,

But then things changed,

And now…

Now I can scarcely go a day,

A day without thoughts of you.

Even though we haven’t spoken all that much,

Of late,

Our friendship is still there,

And I miss hearing, and seeing you,

More and more each day,

But yet there is something more,

More, that I cannot show,

Cannot let on, Cannot tell,

As I cannot, and will not,

Will not risk,

Losing you as a friend.

Besides the many reasons,

And all the complications,

That revealing my thoughts could bring,

The thing I fear most,

What I fear,

Is that if I do tell you,

Firstly that,

That you won’t be ready/interested,

And second, that I lose your friendship,

And your friendship,

Is one I hope to never lose.

So I must go on,

And wait,

Wait for either these feelings to potentially fade,

Or by some chance,

You come to me with something similar first.

Unless either happens,

These thoughts, feelings and emotions,

Along with many others,

Must be,

Always repressed.

As I cannot tell you, as I cannot lose you,

I respect, trust and care,

Care about you to much,

To put you in such position,

To turn me away,

And forever push me from your life.  

So forever, silent, I shall have to be.

Battles of Trust, Brain, and Heart.

Suddenly, a few months ago,

My thoughts ever more saturated grows,

With the thoughts of you,

Conflicted, Uncertain, Messy,

But of you.

These thoughts I know are in vein,

As nothing, could or would ever,

Ever be mentioned to you by me,

Let alone acted upon.

For so, so many reasons.

First, I wouldn’t even know where to start,

My brain in screaming,

Screaming that nothing can come from,

From these thoughts,

Yet my heart ignores this.

Despite being conflicted itself.

But as time goes on,

The more it weighs on my mind.

And the less it can be ignored,

The more I want to be able,

Be able to these thoughts, ignore.

The main reason why,

Besides being conflicted,

Conflicted within myself,

I will not say a word to you,

Is that I’m afraid to do so,

Would break your trust,

And ruin our friendship,

That, and that and some other things,

Things I cannot mention here,

Is why I cannot tell you,

Even my conflicting feelings,

As then the friendship.

In ruins could lie.

So now I’ll wait,

And hope these feelings pass,

Especially as they are not,

Not exactly welcome,

And could have impact untold if spoken.

Yet, making me think of you differently,

Than I ever did before.

With all that has happened,

In the time since our friendship began,

That we have helped each other through,

And how much I still treasure those,

Those bonds we share as friends,

I just cannot to bear to lose that.

To many times in the past I have lost those,

Those I care about the most,

And I don’t want to add yet another,

To that failed number,

That ever haunts me.

So to protect myself and you,

And not to put this,

This (confusing) friendship at risk,

Unless you feel for me, and then speaks out,

My mouth on this,

Shall now, and forever,

Be Closed.

Drifting on Hope

Ever drifting, Ever distant,

Since that fateful day,

Is all I have ever known.

Shut of emotions,

Emotions big and small,

Blanking out all but hollow pain.

Happiness, Sadness,

In full, I have never fully known,

As even by myself,

I don’t trust enough to,

To let myself feel.

Feel anything below,

Below the surface of my emotions.

Each day becomes harder,

Each day more withdrawn,

Not knowing how to deal,

Deal with my past emotions,

Or any real emotion at all.

This causes overcompensation.

Which has driven many away,

Which just ties into the fear,

Fear of the past,

Fear of abandonment.

Which when im faced with it,

No matter what form,

I withdraw, and regress,

Into the child,

That was left,

Left behind on that,

That darkest of my days,

So many years ago.

This has, is and will continue,

Continue to cause fear,

Cause pain,

And drain my capacity to fully trust,

Trust in even myself,

For the rest of my days.

Limit it though,

I will do my best to do,

Despite the hold,

Despite the fear,

Despite the pain,

I will NOT let it forever,

Forever hold me back.

How at this time,

I do not know.

But in the depths,

Depths of my being,

Depths of my Soul,

Despite the deep,

Deep pain and turmoil,

The past has caused,

I Cannot, and Will not,

Let it hold be back forevermore.

Help is being attained,

To help me learn,

To help me grow,

So I know how to deal,

Deal with the emotions,

That my past has caused.

But even with this,

The scars that remain,

Will never fully heal,

And will always run deep.

But I hope,

It will ease my detachment,

Detachment to people,

Detachment to emotion,

And Detachment to life,

That this has caused.

Most of all,

I Hope,

And I Pray,

That at last I will learn,

Learn to trust again,

Learn to relate,

Learn to grown,

And above it all,

Just learn to be happy,

As right now,

It remains a forgotten,

Forgotten Memory,

In the depths of my mind.

And afraid to become,

Become that vulnerable,

To let me feel,

Feel happiness again.

But all I can do right now,

Is to continue,

Continue to keep drifting,

Drifting on Hope.

All Poems written by myself, Natalie Summers

Lost and Terrified

I really wish my depression would just go away. I really hate it and myself. And I just can’t get over it.

I’m 24, not in education or employment, have hardly any human contact, and just generally struggling in life.

When people give me advice on what to do, such as “get out more”, “get a job” or something like that, it kinda hurts. The reason I don’t is because I CAN’T, my emotions are always just a fucking mess, I am constantly on the verge of a breakdown, and constantly terrified one will come.

I have no self-belief or confidence. I hate myself and constantly feel worthless and just wishing things would change and that I didn’t feel so alone, depressed, and worthless. It doesn’t help that my that my past, my failures, insecurities, and everything I hate about my past and myself constantly playing around in my head, and it kills me.

I just wish I could be happy and overcome my fears and depression. But I don’t know how (although I have (just) started to have professional help), and not knowing how just makes me feel even more insecure than usual. I constantly just want to give up, but I can’t, it isn’t an option. At all. So, I’m stuck with just trying to put up with it, but I don’t even know how to do that. I just wish I was able to become happy and move on with my life without the death grip that my past has on me.

 And that I hate most of all, which grows my fears that I’ll be alone, with no friends, support or anything, as I’m afraid that it will cause me to push everything and everyone I care about away, as I’m terrified of being abandoned by them (the people), and I constantly try to avoid feelings of abandonment at all cost (for obvious reasons). But the more I try to avoid it, the more it constantly seems inevitable.

And all of the above and more that I just can’t put into words, is why I’m just struggling so much, and just have no idea how to even attempt to deal with everything. And I honestly just feel life, desperate and just lost, and terrified to my core.

Massive hugs to all,

Natalie xxx

The failures of Isolation (personal reflection)

I have been thinking a lot recently, about a load of different things, but the one thing that keeps cropping up is that I constantly doubt if I know how to be a friend to people. This is a concern I’ve had for years but has been on my mind a lot more of late.

And after this thinking, after my abandonment, years of stress, depression, anxiety etc, I think I honestly don’t really know how to be a friend, or what it even means to have friends. All of the people I currently think of as friends I made as an “adult” but I wouldn’t say I feel totally comfortable in any of those friendships and always have insecurities and massive worries about a friendship ending, or having a friendship abandoned.

Last night I also realised something else, which I haven’t realised before, but looking back I’m not surprised. As far as I can remember I have been somewhat guarded with letting people get too close. Which obviously got worse with certain events, and then just worsened since I came to Wales (not that I regret moving here, but that’s how it happened)

The primary school I went to here (wales) was my first real experience with bullying, I didn’t fit in with the other kids around me, and although I met a couple of people I liked, I never really had friendship with them, that and the fact that through secondary school was much the same, and I never felt that anyone tried to reach out and I was just an outcast, who both isolated myself due to the above and prior trust issues from past events and even hiding things from myself.

I mention this, due to the key thing which happened, isolation, which was half a reflex to protect myself, and honestly just not caring much at the time (though I did want the bullying to stop at the time). However I had been isolated from making or even the ability of making friends, to stop me from getting to close to people, and looking back at old and current friendships.

I half wonder if it is just an obsession with wanting a connection with people that I felt/feel rather than friendship, in some cases its clearer than others, but I do think that there is friendships I have with some people, which I’m grateful for. But even with those I (subconsciously) I don’t allow myself to get too close to anyone, or feel close, not because I don’t care about my friends, or because I don’t want to, as I do. But due to all the aforementioned past and current mental health issues, I have shut myself off, even partially to myself, as through constant exhaustion from fighting my mental health over the years and being completely afraid of people getting close and hurting me, it’s a risk I can take to an extent, but not as much as I should or need to.

My life has been me just skating though and mostly tring to hold myself together, and not allowing and then not knowing how, to open myself up to people, yes I can talk about things, but that isn’t what I mean, I mean that in my mind, in my feelings, I don’t open myself up properly to others, and myself, so I don’t feel abandoned and betrayed. And that with my anxiety, depression, exhaustion, and just not knowing how to deal with it all, I constantly question my friendships, as I honestly don’t trust myself to know what friendships really are.

Im not saying I don’t have friends as I do, this is mostly a venting piece about this in the hopes of better understanding myself why I struggle to connect and keep friendships, and it unfortunately seems, like it has everything to do with my lifelong coping mechanism of just shutting off from, other people, the world, and even myself, which honestly scares me, as it is something im not sure how to come back from that, and will need (mostly professional help (with that and for other things)) to sort out and resolve. And I hope and pray that I can and it will be something that will be easier in the future, with less self-doubt, and that I keep my mind in the process, as my coping mechanism, of just isolation, has been a failure, one I don’t know how to resolve right now.

Anyway, sorry for the rant,

And I hope you all well.

Big hugs,

Why I think you need to read "Undivided: Coming out, becoming whole and living free from shame" By Vivky Beeching

I have spent the last 3 hours reading “Undivided” by Vicky Beeching. (before writing this which taken about 1hr and a half)  And just Wow, this is the most brilliant and amazing memoir I have ever read. Although the book is obviously deeply faith centric, and I strongly felt God working in and through Vicky’s life and story, there is so much in this book, not just for those who are in the Church.

I myself identify with a fair amount of issues raised in the book, especially when it comes to repressing parts of yourself, for whatever reason, and I know from my own experience how harmful it is. I identify as a Transgender Woman, and a Christian myself. So, I know how hard it is to come to terms something that is a part of who you are (which I have already somewhat written about on this blog already (not this blog post but the blog in general)).

With myself though it has cost me one of my closest friends at the time, and  any chance of a relationship with my Dad and a large part of my family. After telling my Dad in order to have a relationship with me, he has to accept me as me, and not to pressure me, this was his reply “You protect yourself. Sorry. I have two daughters already. Dont need other fake one. If thats how you feel then its goodbye. I have not time for misconceptions of personality. Faggott”

And that will be the last thing I’ll ever hear from him (especially after all the damage he did BEFORE that (as my Nan and them he abandoned me to social services (literally, when I was 7/8))

And I only bring this up, as I know that many people will be easily be able to relate to Vicky’s story and relate to similar experiences in their own lives. Especially those who are a part of the Church, but even those beyond can read this, and know that they are not alone in their struggles, and it is good, healthy and right to talk about them, and to accept, and love who you are. Which can be a long process but it will be worth it and better in the end.

One thing I was constantly thinking whilst reading Undivided was that this book is going to make waves, and have a huge impact, and is part of the groundwork, that Vicky, and others are essentially working towards. Which is a major shift in Theology. Which I’m excited about, especially as it is a field I want to one day enter into myself (academically). And in this divide between the Church and the LGBTQ+ community can and hopefully will, be broken.

Also, I think another thing Undivided captures, in essence, is how painful and stifling to both Individuals, and the Church as a whole, the drive to conform to beliefs and tradition, without and open mind or heart. As by doing so, you don’t allow God to come in, break, and remake you, which is an essential part of being a Christian. Not to be rigid in your beliefs, as that is something that causes experiences that Vicky has described in her book.

But more importantly I strongly believe in by being so rigid, and inflexible to change, you are shutting off the great potential God has for you, and in this you are shutting off the flow of his love and grace, which often flows through you and into those around you. And therefore, being rigid can help to suffocate a church, and lead it astray from the calling God has for you and the church you are a part of.

The most important message which I took from the book (which I’m not exactly sure was fully intended) goes beyond what the church needs to do, but what the Church and society needs to do. Especially in this day and age.  This is to become “Undivided” to look past our own preconceptions, our fears, our ignorance, pride, or whatever else it could be that can stop you from seeing, instead of the label of what makes them different to you, to see the person that stands in front of you, with the same wants and needs we all have, as we are all Human.

But in order to be able to get to the point where we can do this, we need to find a place where we are, in Vicky’s words,

“Freed from shame and fear, we are finally able to live, and love, from a place of wholeness. We find peace. We become complete. We become people who we are, at our deepest core, undivided”. If we can make the steps to do this individually in our own lives, then hopefully, person by person, it idea, will not just be something for own individual lives, which is crucial. But hopefully can be transferred to something we can do to help transform out society so it too can be undivided.

I know that this may be a strange way to write and go about a book review (as it wasnt exactly a review, but meh). However this is what I got from, an amazing, and inspiring book, from a person I admire greatly, from her old music career to her coming out story, and now this book, and someone I look forward to seeing what they have in store for the future in Theology.

And I just wanted to write and share, what I got most of all (which is only scratching the surface) and most of all, I encourage you to go on amazon, or see if “Undivided” is in your local book store, and pick up a copy and read it, whether you are a Christian or not. As I strongly believe that the book, and Vicky’s story is well worth reading as there is so much you can take away from this brilliant book. And I just can’t recommend it enough, it’s just amazing.

And I just want to thank Vicky for being strong, courageous and willing to share her story, for us all to draw from. Which is why i believe that sharing personal stories like this, in and out of Church, is becoming more and more important, as even just having this conversation, and these stories being out is helping to erode the barriers which have been up for far too long.

Thanks again to Vicky for her book, and I recommend you all to pick up a copy and read it for yourselves, it is something you definitely wont regret doing.

Hope you have found this post somewhat interesting. (and really doesn’t reflect how good the book is)

Hugs to all,

Natalie Xxxx

Emotion v Head on my freindships

Why do I always find myself in a position of most of my friends (especially the ones closest to me; in terms of distance) are always just so busy? I go through spats of seeing people regularly, then things just fall off a cliff, and I find it difficult to even hear from them as they say they just haven’t had the time.

The worst thing about this, is that all of them have other people they can could rely on if needed and have options for support (especially their families) and have a support network. I don’t have such a thing, just a limited number of friends, where even a small conversation through a phone is hard to get, that when it happens it feels like a victory.

Everyone keeps telling me, to get help, or to do things, like volunteering. But I’m already TRYING to get help, it’s just taking ages to make progress there (and I have suspicions that somewhere it might have been messed up, accidentally or not, I don’t know). And in terms of getting out there and doing more. If I felt in a position where I was fucking able to, I bloody well would be! But I’m not, and when people do say that, I just feel frustrated, with myself and my situation, about the fact that at the moment, I’m not able to do this. So, I just feel trapped in my own fear and anxiety and no way of knowing how to escape it. Which is why I’m pushing as much as I can to get professional help.

Also, I should note, that when I do want contact, especially talking, and trying to meet up with friends. It isn’t about trying to have them as anything but a friend, that I want to enjoy conversations with (though due to difficulties in getting in touch and their short time its really hard to do, so they tend to be more updating each other than a conversation) and when I meet up with them, just to hang out, and have fun, and honestly distract myself from things which have been going on, which would be easier if I saw people more often, it would just be catching things up with them, then times up, and go separate way. (and more often would be ideally one a week, or once a fortnight, for each individual friend, and preferably on different days to another)

But this just doesn’t seem to be possible.

So, most of the time I just feel lonely, and frustrated etc when alone in my flat. And that is being made harder by my neighbour shouting abuse through the floor for minor things. But that isn’t the point of this post.

 Really do love and appreciate the friends I have, I just find it frustrating at times as I honestly feel like they think that I’m not worth much of their time, and that’s why I barely hear, let alone see people. It doesn’t help that one friend I haven’t seen for almost 4 months now.

I do understand that (and generally even why) my friends are busy, and everyone has their own lives and own problems. But Its getting to the point where I think largely (with a couple of exceptions) I feel like I’m just being left behind by people, and that’s one of the reasons I struggle with it so much. Not because I barely see or hear from people.

But it’s my thoughts and anxieties and past events intensifying said thoughts and anxieties (like they don’t care about me or they have forgotten about me etc etc) Which leads to more attempts to contact them, but I’m also afraid that might push people away, and this all plays into deep routed fears I have from past traumatic events, which is honestly makes finding a resolution harder and things are already clouded to much by what’s been mentioned above.

So, I’m not sure what can, if anything can be done, and I want people to speak and see me because they want to. But at the same time, so little social contact with people is just making my anxieties etc worse. And at the lest I could use more just as a distraction, and enjoy their company, conversation and friendship. Rather than just feel like a burden on people, and the lack of contact just at large making me feel even more depressed, anxious, and worthless than I already feel. Which is why I try to make progress with this, however seem to be failing.

Also, please don’t take this as commenting on that I’m annoyed at my friends or that I’m trying to call them out or be negative about it (as that is the last thing I’d want to do). I mentioned certain things, not to call them out, but to help explain how it effects my thoughts and emotions in the way that it does. As this post isn’t about that, but is about how their (understandable, business; although collectively increasing) is affecting myself and therefore how that is in turn effecting my actions.

I’m not happy with how it effects my actions, so I wrote this to partially vent, but also explain this to my friends etc, so they can hopefully gain more of an insight into why I behave as I do (which also gets worse/more intense then I am more anxious and depressed) I’m not sure I’ve done it all that well, but it’s the best I can do atm, and needed to get this out now tbh. As it was bothering me too much at the time of writing this, that I needed to get it out of my head, and into the open. I do honestly wish this was different And that my freinds were less busy, or more importaintly, i was in a better position to handle the much less contact I'm receiving (and will likely continue and worsen) nowdays. 

Sorry for another depressing rant, but this is just an inner battle that is fighting in me (one of them) and I’m getting more and more worried that it might cause something that will make things worse, and I want to try to prevent that, and I’m hoping that this, in one way or another, helps.

Massive hugs to all

Natalie Xxx

The day my life went dark

I have mentioned this in various forms and places, but this is the most accurate and descriptive version I ever have and likely ever will write, and it is about the day I went into care (Which i wrote for a creative writing group).

Many years ago, when I was a small child, and still living with my Dad, and Nan, and at the time, I wasn’t aware that it would soon come to an end.

In January 2001 I believe (I cannot recall exactly it may have been 2000), on an overcast Friday afternoon (typical of the time of year), school has just ended, and I was exited for the weekend, although I loved school, and had some friends, I was still bullied. So, I was looking forward to not having to deal with the bullies, and just spend time with my family, especially my Dad.

I remember my Nan walking myself (and my little brother I think, my memory of the time is a little hazy on some details) home, which was at the top of a tall block of flats. The flat had a beautiful view over the City of Birmingham (or so I used to think at the time, especially on one occasion, where it was just me and Dad one New Year’s Eve, as I went back in there from my Aunts, next door, as it was dark and I wanted to watch the fireworks, so my Dad decided to join me, and this of all the memories of my Dad I have, is my favourite)

But I digress, as the day I am recounting is unfortunately not a happy one, far from it, it was honestly the worst day of my life.

So, when we finally got home from school, I remember my Dad in the kitchen and a pot of Chicken curry on the stove, which after a long day at school, and my love of curry, I was looking forward to eating it (although for some reason, my Dad does not remember this, but it isn’t something I’m likely to forget). However, just 10 minutes into being back in, having only just having my coat and shores off, I was being told to put them back on, as my Nan was telling me, and my younger brother and sister to put them on, as she shouted to Dad “Tony, I’m taking the kids for a walk” which I don’t remember hearing a reply to, and quickly after this we were shooed out the flat, and down the stairs.

The “walk” was a very short one, which taken us across a very busy main road (near the old Rover factory in Birmingham) to the Social Services building across the road (although I didn’t know what the building was, and barely noticed it before that day, but not it isn’t a place which I’m likely to forget).

Once we had reach the paved area outside of the Social services office, my Nan quickly walked ahead of us, looking back this was odd behaviour for her, and she did seem more anxious and stressed than usual, but at the time I did not pick up on it, at least not consciously.

When she got to the door of the building, (she told us to stay back a bit) she spoke into a strange shiny metal box, which I thought was curious, although now I know it is an intercom system, I didn’t know this at the time.

What she spoke into the is something that did not stick in my mind, so I can’t recount this. However, the next part I recall perfectly, and will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Once Nan spoke into the intercom, she walked past us, and quickly turned around and shouted to “Stay there, and don’t follow me” as she then turned around and walked back across the road, as she shouted again, “Don’t follow me”. It taken a few moments, after the shock of it before I just burst into tears, not knowing what was happening at the time, but I could tell it wasn’t right, it wasn’t normal, and I was confused, terrified, and deeply, deeply upset and hurt by what Nan had just did and said. Of course, I didn’t know all of this fully at the time, it’s taken a lot of time to figure out.

All that 7/8-year-old you me knew, was that nothing was right.

As I stood their crying, I remember that my brother and sister was just standing there, not sure what to do, but noticeably not in tears. But obviously not knowing what was occurring, and neither did I at the time, not really.

But now I do know, this is how my Nan, one of the people I love, trusted and cared about most in the world, broke my heart, and ability to ever fully trust, not even myself, abandoned us on the doorsteps of Social services, this. This moment, is where my childhood died.

So, we were left standing outside the social services building, next to a busy road, on a Friday afternoon, where anything could’ve happened before we were admitted into the building, which seemed like an eternity. But I think was about 10-15 minutes, to meet our fate.

Once we had been admitted into the building, the social workers lead us to a room at the back which the obviously had set up for Children, although at the time of entering the hallway outside the room, I looked in their as little as possible, as I chose to sit with my back against the wall, staring down the (at least to a young child in that state) the long hallway, which grew ever darker, and refusing to join my brother and sister, despite the efforts of the social workers, all the while I was still crying, and wanting one thing, and one thing only. And this was my Dad.

So, for at least a couple of hours I just sat there, alone, In the hallway, crying, until finally my Dad, came, for the first time since we were abandoned there, I felt some hope, a spark of happiness.

So, for about 15 mins (all the time social services would allow; again my Dad didn’t remember this either oddly, but I cannot forget this moment) my Dad was reassuring me, telling me everything was going to be ok, and that he would take care of, which I thought he would, and that we would be home soon. But then soon enough a social worker called Dad away, and I was again left watching the person I loved most out of all my family at the time, who I trusted the most, walk away, at the social and this one, cut an already wide open, deep and fresh wound, into an even wider and deeper fresher wound, which has never fully healed.

Watching my Nan walk away was one thing, but my Dad, that killed the spark of hope, the glimmer of happiness seeing him leave, as I somehow knew, despite my Dad, even when leaving, was saying, “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it” I knew, I just knew he wouldn’t.

So, I was just left sitting there, the worst I’ve ever felt, broken, and felt all alone, as my whole world had fallen apart. So, as I watched Dad walk away my short reprieve from my tear flow, had ended, and they poured out again, for at least 20 mins after he left.

Then I noticed for the first time there, my brother and sister I the room next to where I was sitting. For the first while when there I noticed that they were laughing and playing. In that moment, not consciously (otherwise I would never have done it) to protect them and myself, I cut off the events from the emotions, and just ignored the emotions that came from that, for such a long time (until 2008 when my depression broke that wall down, in a period where my life had settled down for a bit, the depression hit, and upturned it, but that’s another story).

So that night, I pushed away the emotions I was too young, and too unable to cope with those emotions (and most of the main emotional difficulties since), I just pushed them aside, locked deep inside, until they burst out on their own.

But I did this, (pushed my emotions aside) I realised later, to first help myself be able to somewhat deal with what was in front of me. But more importantly, as I am the eldest of us all there, in my subconscious, I realised I needed to at least appear strong for them, and I couldn’t do that and have my emotions present. So that was replaced with a deep dullness, just so I could manage. To get by. Which worked to a point. But in hindsight wasn’t the healthiest thing to do, but honestly, I’m not sure what could have been done differently, that would have allowed me to make it as far as I did with as minimal impact to day to day life to what I did. But it wasn’t easy, and was still a fight, but it was made easier by just dealing with the events.

Anyway, I was side tracked again. So, in this new state, I went to join my siblings, and at this point the social workers got dinner for us all (including them, and they actually ate with us, I think they knew that this wasn’t easy for us, and needed this, although they were also busy trying to find us a place to stay temporally). I remember that the food was Fish, Chips, and Curry Sauce, which is probably why, that although I can and will eat it, it isn’t exactly a dish I’m overly fond of now.

After this the social workers found us a place to stay, a place obviously set up for this type of situation, which has no warmth or character. But was a bed to sleep in. And that night I resigned myself to the fact that life wouldn’t be the same again, just little did I know, that at least for myself, that this was just the beginning of the long struggle that lay ahead, but of course I didn’t know how things would go, so after the traumatic events of that evening, I fell into a dreamless sleep, and so has every sleep been since.

And there ends the darkest moment of my life.

Hugs to all
Natalie Xxx

The Church and the problem of "Sin"

One thing I have observed, which is weighing on my mind more and more each day, is how far the Church, as a whole, has blinded itself. Not just to the world, which is harmful enough, but more importantly how the Church is blinding itself to God. I do not say this lightly, and I do not use “Church” to describe the true universal Church, but the Institutionalised from the Church has become on earth.

So How is the Church blinding itself to God you might ask? Which I myself might have asked in my youth. The answer is surprisingly clear, it is how the different forms of Church across the world, focuses, no, Fixates on one focus, one word from the bible, to justify discrimination, bigotry, hate, and so much more. This word is simple, but complex, the word is Sin.

The word “Sin” from the Hebrew origins, simply means “To miss the mark”, which in a focus of faith, and our walk with God, in simple terms means to just fall out of step with God, and his plan for us. But from this simple truth, we, the Church, has distorted it to essentially discriminate all who think differently to us. Thankfully the Church in the UK is slowly moving in the right direction on this, but we have a long, long way to go to be where God wants his Church, not just in the UK, but across the world to be.

The best example I can think of to show how the Church has used this to turn from God and became trapped in the trappings of Sin to realise that the Church in how it misses the mark in its walk in God, is the treatment of the LGBTQ+ community across the world, this is especially the case with those who just identify as Homosexual, or Transgender (I am at least the latter as a Transgender Woman). Across the world, people in the Church take issue with at least one of these groups. Based on their belief that by just being who they are, who God made them to be, that they are living in “Sin” as they believe.

This is wrong in so many ways, but most of all, the worst possible thing, is the people in the church who hold to this view assume to position of Judge, Jury, and Executioner, which completely stands in the face of the principle in our faith that only God and God alone can judge if we are living in “Sin”.

In this those who claim to be doing this to the LGBTQ+ communities, as they claim the way they live them attacks their religious beliefs, so shun them, discriminate, and perform hate crimes against, are ignoring the very principle that Jesus Christ lain his life down for us for. Which is ALL are to be loved and welcomed into Gods graces, as who they are. Not what those who object to the LGBTQ+ community expect everyone to be and conform to.

Most importantly is, not just what I have mentioned above, but something else, which demonstrates how they have fallen into the trappings of Sin in their hatred of things which don’t conform to their world view and idea of faith and reject all those who differ from it. They ignore these passages from Matthew Chapter 22 36-40 (NIV)

““Teacher, what is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it “LOVE your NEIGHBOUR as yourself” All the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments” “

As you can see, although I cannot vouch for the hearts of those who hold to the way of thinking that those who are LGBTQ+ live in Sin and deserve to be shunned and outcast. I can say this, those same people who shun these people due to it “being in conflict with their religious beliefs” have missed the point of what it means to be a Christian, and directly contradicts the two commandments which Jesus spoke about in Matthew, as is mentioned above.

Due to this, arguably, they miss the whole point of what our faith is about, what our Church is built on. Not the discrimination, hatred, belittling of others based on whether they believe someone is in Sin or not.

Our faith in its pure form, is about Love, the love in our relationship with us and God, which then spreads into the transforming love from God, which flows from us in our relationship with Him.

It is not about whether we conform to what out church expects us to be, or how many we try to “correct” from their life of so called “Sin”. But it IS about how much love, compassion, and God grace we pass on and show to others, and how inclusive, loving and accepting we are of all.

Our faith is not strictly confined in what we find in the pages of the bible, as the bible is only a guide to our faith, and something to draw inspiration from God from. But out faith is so much bigger and defies the constraints of the Bible which was written a long time ago, by the hand of man, which yes may have been inspired by God, but it is still written by man.

So our faith has to outstrip the confines of the Bible, as God’s essence and abilities, standards and tools, cannot be confined purely but the Bible.

Our faith and relationship with God, is only confined by our own ability to love ourselves, but more importantly God, and our ability to love and accept others no matter what, just as God has done for us, when Jesus dies for us on that Cross 2000 or so years ago.

Another trapping of Sin we have as a Church, isn’t just how we treat others as outlined. But also, our fixation on eternal punishment and rewards for either following God or not.

But in my reading of what scripture says, especially in revelation, but also just the whole of the Bible, is that life isn’t about punishment or reward. As if it was, why would God have sent his son to die for us ALL?

It’s because it isn’t about that. Life is a simple choice. It is where we Choose to have that relationship with God, by our own free will, without pressure, without strings, to dive into the relationship with God, and the eternal love he has for is. Which is why I believe, that our God does offer us eternal life, not as a reward for following him. But as a result of how much he loves us, God loves us so much he wants us to be with him, as we love him, and he loves us, for eternity, as that is the Power of Gods love for us, and this is what I believe the Riches God promises to us are, not vague treasure in New Jerusalem described in revelations, but to share in the deep love of God, and our relationship with him THAT is our reward, and it is more than we need.

And because of this, I cannot simply believe that God would just idly sit by and watch people he loves and cares for so deeply, suffer for eternity in “Hell” as so many Christians believe and spout.

As the bible does not speak of a God that is so full of hate, that he would let those he created, those he loves to suffer for eternity. But he offers them a choice, life, in a relationship in him to share in his love forevermore. Or to simply not. Those who do not choose God, he honours their wish, by giving them a true death, where they are no longer in creation, they become nothing. As where in Gods creation can Gods love not reach? That would be nowhere. As Gods love flows through all of creation.

So, the second death described in revelation, is not an eternal punishment as many believe. But is just God granting the wishes of those who have chosen to reject him.

So, the framing that the “Sinful” shall burn forever in hell unless they repent is another, and massively harmful rhetoric of the Church. And unless we fall out of this trapping collectively, and the ones already mentioned, all we will do is just further and further be a divisive force in the world and destructive. As the message of the church should NEVER be one of hate, but one of love, ALWAYS of Love.

Also, we must be ready to admit, that we, as Christians, do not know everything and do get things wrong. That is ok, and honestly, will gain us much more respect, understanding and patience of those who are not yet ready to believe. As we are only human after all, and due to this we do not, and more importantly cannot know everything. And to fall into this is yet another trapping of sin we must fight against. Yes, we can tell people what we believe to be the case, but we cannot objectively state it as fact, and we must be able to admit we may be wrong in something, and in this we can humble ourselves before other and God, and in this God can share more of the truth through us.

Also, we must remember that we are only meant to share our beliefs with others and pray for God to do the rest. It is not our job to give life to the seeds God wants us to plant in others, as only God knows how, if and when the right time for him to grow those seeds in others. We are just his sowers.

So, pray that we, as individuals, and as a body, the Church can escape the trappings of Sin, and find our place on our walk with God, so we may follow him, and trust in the love that God has for us and the path he has placed in front of us. And that we can eradicate the hate that comes from the Church and replace is with a love so powerful, it can, has and will continue to shape the world into the world God wants it to be. Through Gods love, all of us are saved, and it is only through love, not hate we can draw more people to know of the love that God has for us, and to truly live the life God has planned for us. 

The way to fight against hate and hurt, is never about fighting back with more hate and hurtful behaviour that pushes away those who would come to the church in need, but the way to fight it is in the love which we find in God.

So, pray that we, the church can find this love again and live in it, and let Gods love work through us, and in this we can escape the trappings of sin, and to live in love which God has given to all!

Also pray that we can humble ourselves, admit we are not always right in what we believe, before others and before God, be ready for God to work in us and through is in this, and that in this we can more effectively sow the seeds that might one day grow into faith.

And finally pray that we do not focus on what we can get from out faith, or what punishments we might face, as this is not what is important, but to focus and live in the love and life which God grants us, and think of that as our reward, and how we can share this reward with as many people as God places in our path to do so.

I hope that in some way this has been helpful to you, and feel free to comment on this post with questions or anything you wish to say (which is not hateful) and I will do my best to reply.

May God bless and protect and share his love with you all.

Blessing and love

Natalie

Xxx

Fleeting Hope

Life all around me flow,
Leaving me behind,
To watch the currents flow,
And wallow in my patch of darkness.

Seeing posts of peoples happiness,
Happiness, accomplishments and just good times,
Whilst often being happy for them,
Also tears me up inside.

Thoughts of my own failings,
Failings, fears and loneliness dwell,
Along side much, much more,
Escape from it all I cannot do.

Fleeing is no option either,
As the pain lies deep within,
Then what can I do?
To soothe the wounds within?

That I do not know,
Nor do I know,
Why, oh why.
Do I drive so many away?

Both of those questions,
And one more (that I cannot tell)
Lay deep on my heart today,
Like an all consuming fire in my mind.

All the time my mood,
Mood only fluctuates from,
Being not so great to,
To being torn up inside,
With only the rarest gleams of hope.

However the hope, and happiness,
Are often to fleeting to grasp,
So whilst I’m waiting for the help I seek,
All my strength is fighting the battles within.

But that strength is failing,
So only time will tell which,
Which will win out,
But from where I stand now,
I cannot tell.

Nor can I tell what failure might,
Might resemble.
So I fear, fear I may be trapped,
Trapped in this battle,
Battle without end.

But I hope that an end will come,
And that my loneliness lifts,
My depression fades,
And old wounds heal,

But until that day,
Forever trapped,
With little yet crucial help,
From those I hold dear,
I just hope it is enough.

So now all I can do,
Is wait and wait,
With my pain,
With my loneliness,
With my past,

Until the day,
That one way or another,
It all fades away,
All I hope, is that hope wins out

Written by

Natalie xxx